Raising Children Parentless

03.02.2011

A friend sent this article to me and it’s about a topic I would’ve never thought about and it gave me pause. As far as I know, my father is alive somewhere but he’s pretty much dead to me because I met him a total of 4 times my entire life. This reality dictated the course of my relationships throughout my life, especially romantic ones, but I never considered that the loss of having a parent could dictate a parenting style. (I am consciously considering growing up without a father similar, if not the same, as losing a parent because I’m taking into account that both shape how you view the world.)

For anyone who has lost a parent or both, I encourage you to read the entire article but I offer highlights:

• Grandparents provide an opportunity for babysitting laying a foundation for grandparents and grandchildren to get-to-know each other. It also allows for family traditions to be passed down and information about family and ancestors to be shared.
• Grandparents offer another place for children to turn to should they need. They can pass down their love of art and music and/or teach skills that maybe the parents don’t have.
• Death is considered to be one of the top three reasons couples separate. Where children are involved, jealousies could arise that one parents’ parents can be a part of the kids’ lives and the other can’t. This can strain a marriage and feelings of loss often dictates the parenting style. Someone who’s lost a mother or father (or both) may be prone to approach parenting from a “worst case scenario” mentality.
• Those who have lost a parent at a young age live with the fear that they themselves will die young. (This I know to be true because both my best friend and her brother who lost both parents within 6 years of each other are convinced they’re going to follow their parents and die young.) The fear of dying young also easily feeds into how someone may approach parenting. If the loss of a parent contributes to the mentality of “the worst case scenario” and all decisions come from that part of the heart, then the fear of dying young would underscore everything.