Withering Away

10.03.2010

I’m a firm believer that if you want to see someone’s true colors observe him/her when he/she doesn’t realize that he/she is being watched. You can see a lot about that person such as whether or not he/she is truly happy, whether he/she is worried about something, or if the person wishes that his/her life turned out somewhat differently. I don’t often get a chance to catch someone I know in this kind of a light but whenever I do I pay close attention to see if I can figure out the essence of him/her.

Recently, I had this chance. I have seen this person over the past 15 years slowly wither away. He was once very handsome with a great personality but as time went on and his kids grew older, his relationship with his wife deteriorated and you could see that his body physically began to change with his shoulders hunched forward as if a heavy burden was pulling him down. I know that currently and for the most part he’s on speaking terms with his wife, but in that fleeting moment that I saw him walking, I could sense such deep sadness surrounding him.

I know that he never wanted to live the way he lives now but his wife would have nothing different. I know that he’d want a bigger living space for his family but they’re out-priced in the area that they live in and she refuses to move, so they live 4 people in a two-bedroom space. The wife’s unwillingness to compromise on many issues has worn this man down. You could see that he gave up a long time ago and now is an empty shell going through the motions.

This greatly saddens me and it is one of the very things that scares me about having kids. Rob and I have a great relationship but even the best kind can get worn down especially if there’s a communication breakdown. I think about this guy’s kids and how both of them are growing up without a father. Yes, he may physically be there but he’s vacant emotionally and spiritually. I know what that does to a girl from personal experience and I can only imagine what that can do to a son. These examples that he sets for his kids will be repeated in future relationships that his kids have and it’s unfair. I just wish people were more honest with themselves.

What Color is Your Sky?

07.01.2010

I really didn’t want to write today. At one point I tried to convince myself that it’s because I’m just exhausted with this topic. To be (a parent) or not to be? I mean, really. Why is it so hard? All I’ve ever done is make things more complicated. When most people answer “Blue” to the question “What color is the sky?” I’m the one who answers, “Shades of periwinkle, pink and purple.” I mean, why can’t I just say “blue” and be done with it?

At another point today I thought I could just make up an issue to write about but that quickly proved to be more work than I wanted to put in.

So I’m buckling down and writing the truth because…the reason I started this blog was to explore my emotions, thoughts, opinions, etc and I’m not benefiting anyone, most of all myself, if I don’t include all my emotions, thoughts, opinions, etc. Right?

I was on the bus today coming back from physical therapy for my back when a young woman, maybe even a teen, walked on with a baby and her friend. This got my brain on a rant about teen mothers and blah-blah-blah. I looked at the girl’s baby, a little boy of about 8 or 9 months, and…it got me thinking. (A very dangerous thing.)

“What is your problem?” A deeply recognizable voice from the dark corridors of my imagination asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked innocently.

“You know you’re going to have a child. So what are you waiting for?”

I said nothing hoping that my silence would make this crazy voice go away.

“You are one day going to be in your 50s with or without children. So either way you look at it, life is moving forward. What are you waiting for?” This annoying voice continued.

“But what about my writing and a life of creativity?!” I yelled.

“What about it?” The voice shot back.

How the hell am I losing a battle with my own self? I thought.

I eventually got off the bus and wandered back to my place with odd scenarios playing out in front of me such as me with my own child doing various, fun things together. And for a brief moment, and I mean a brief moment, I let myself enjoy those thoughts.

I often talk about how our society is dictated by fear. How we allow our fears to make decisions for us and how we allow those fears to rob us from living and experiencing life in the moment. I myself have asked people What are you waiting for? in reference to their wanting to start something new but are too scared to (like a new project, losing weight, taking an art class, etc). Each decision can be transformative – for good or for bad – but regardless, it’s one more level of learning (about ourselves).

I decided I wanted to make movies when I was 3 and at age 8 I discovered writing and decided that that’s what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I am obviously doing neither and the odds are strongly against me that either will happen professionally but it was only 4 years that I became serious about my writing and filming. And what I’ve learned in these last few years is that I am doing exactly what I always wanted to do even if I’m not getting paid for it. And I’m happy. Adding a child to the mix wouldn’t be easy and frankly that terrifies me. But I have tasted what it’s like to have a creative outlet for myself and I’m hell bent on never losing that. To give that up would be a sin and unforgivable for me. Therefore, just like anything that’s important, I’d have to figure out a way with Rob where I’d be able to keep the writing and any little film projects on the side because it’s what I need in order to keep going. The 9 to 5 brings the money…but my outlet is writing and filming.

I’m not quite ready to take the plunge…but I am getting slightly closer to answering the question, What are you waiting for? Even if it means complicating my life even more. But then, that’s quite familiar territory.