Children of a Loveless Marriage, Amendment

11.12.2010

I wanted to clarify something in regards to yesterday’s post. I never advocate divorce as the first and most immediate option. I believe that in this day in age people are too eager to get a divorce. At the sight of the slightest hiccup, I find that one partner, or sometimes both, immediately split up. Though this might be a bit easier to deal with if there are no kids, I don’t think it should be a flippant decision. A couple owes it to themselves and to each other to fight for their marriage and, once kids come into the picture, they owe it to their kids. The first step, of course, is admitting there’s a problem and, I think, this is where most people get stuck. But once that understanding occurs, go to therapy, go to your priest/pastor or whatever or to whomever you feel you need to go to in order to save the marriage. Once all avenues have been exhausted and one or both person(s) still feel(s) unhappy, then part ways because, as I said yesterday, pretending does nothing for no one. Especially the kids.

Children of a Loveless Marriage

11.11.2010

I finished reading writer/director Nora Ephron’s new book, I Remember Nothing, and I highly recommend it. What I liked about it was its easy read, filled with humor, endearing moments and pure honesty. There is one issue, however, with which I disagree. She writes

But I can’t think of anything good about divorce as far as the children are concerned. You can’t kid yourself about that, although many people do. They say things like, It’s better for children not to grow up with their parents in an unhappy marriage. But unless the parents are beating each other up, or abusing the children, kids are better off if their parents are together. Children are much too young to shuttle between houses. They’re too young to handle the idea that the two people they love most in the world don’t love each other anymore, if they ever did. They’re too young to understand that all the wishful thinking in the world won’t bring their parents back together. And the newfangled rigmarole of joint custody doesn’t do anything to ease the cold reality: in order to see one parent, the divorced child must walk out on the other.[1]

Though I agree that no one should stay in an abusive relationship, I’m confused by the advice to stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children.

Rob and I have talked about this in respect to friends we both had growing up who wished their parents would divorce because it would, at least, bring peace. And when the parents did eventually divorce, and they always did, the friends’ reactions were somewhere in the vicinity of “Finally.” I haven’t yet met someone who wished their mismatched parents stayed together. The thing that parents forget, I think (and I take complete freedom to say the following without being a parent myself), is how perceptive kids are. You can’t fool them. By staying in a loveless marriage, you’re teaching your child how to behave, what to accept and how to settle. This isn’t fair to anyone involved.

My mom dated a man without ever sitting me down and explaining to me what was happening even though I caught every secret glance, every secret touch and every secret hand hold. Her excuse for never telling me was to protect me (from what, I don’t know) but what I learned was that liking someone was private and to be kept in the dark. And, in an odd way, something bad. I was ten and I didn’t understand exactly what the glances, touches and holding hands meant, but I knew that something unusual was going on despite her valiant efforts to keep the relationship under wraps.

I also knew, at age eight, when things were bad between my mom and my sister’s dad. I’m still unraveling the damage of those six months. Kids are sharper and more perceptive than adults give them credit for. They are also sponges for the knowledge that parents bestow upon them. I believe that staying in an unsupportive, loveless and devoid marriage is the path of least resistance with the potential for the most life-long emotional damage. You are also cheating yourself out of what is beautiful: love.

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[1] Ephron, Nora I Remember Nothing and Other Reflections, Alfred A. Knopf, 2010, New York, NY, p. 120.

The Child: A Divorce's Weapon of Choice

06.30.2010

Divorce. It’s usually nasty and painful, and if there are kids involved it can get that much more nasty and painful.

My mom divorced my sister’s dad and, oddly, I don’t feel the actual divorce hurt me much. His short stay with us was the damaging part. My mom made it a point to not speak badly of my sister’s dad to her but, unfortunately, I was the ear to all of her opinions and troubles with him that, of course, helped shape my (negative) view of men.

Despite that, though, my mom’s attitude towards my sister’s dad and the divorce isn’t nearly as bad as I’ve seen with some families. I hate to keep bringing up my teaching, but, I witnessed so many things while teaching both in English school at Lithuanian Saturday school. One thing I consistently saw was parents using their kids as leverage against the other parent. This always devastated me.

I had a 6^th grader once who came back from x-mas vacation bragging about how his dad got him the latest video game system and that once his mom found out about it, she ran out and bought the competitor’s system, which was more expensive I think. Everything was a competition while the kid's grades sank into a deep oblivion. The parents desperately tried to outdo each other forgetting that their kid’s future was the most important issue at hand and not their damn pride.

Another parent (from Lithuanian school) argued with me that I had no right to give homework and that I shouldn’t be giving grades. He claimed that Lithuanian school was “social hour” and if his daughter had a question about something or wanted to know more about something she could look it up on her own time. I knew he was doing this because his hot little ex-wife was flirting her way through the Lithuanian American bachelors and the daughter didn’t want to do any work, and so he wanted to come out as the hero.

I can’t speak from experience on this because I’ve never been divorced myself, thank God. But, as a (former) educator and society participant, I wish that parents would be more aware of how their actions are affecting their children. I understand that sometimes it’s better that 2 people don’t stay together but to use the kids as bullets against a spouse is cruel and lifelong damaging. In almost 10 years of teaching, I have only seen one set of divorced parents try their best to be civil to each other for the sake of their kids.

Two people may split up and the journey together as a couple comes to an end. But responsibility toward your child doesn’t.