The Mind Thinks, The Heart Feels

09.05.2010

In the Los Angeles Times Magazine today, I read an interview with Milla Jovovich. This woman interests me for a strange reason and, when I disclose it, you will think me insane. Yes. You will. I used to have a major crush on actor Balthazar Getty and, as teens, they used to date, and…I hated her for that. I mean, she took away the guy who would fall in love with me the moment he saw me as soon as I were to find an opportunity to present myself to him. Now, 20 years later, she interests me because, in my head, we have history. (I told you you’d think me insane.)

Anyway, there’s something she said in the interview that resonated with me.

The question: VH1 has dubbed you the Reigning Queen of Kick-Butt. Does that help or hinder in getting dramatic roles like the one in Stone?

Her answer: You know, at this point in my career, I can’t imagine anything could hinder me, aside from myself. Having a baby really kind of changed my whole outlook. Before, it was more me being too into my head – too self-centered or insecure about this and that. Now, if my baby is not sick, if she sleeps okay, is eating well…that’s all any mom can ask for. With that kind of new outlook, people can’t help but feel that from you and look at you differently. Now I love to go on auditions.

I know it may seem weird that I identify with her without having a kid myself but there’s a part of me that understands “being too into my head – too self-centered or insecure.” I don’t have kids so I live in my own head for however much I want. I can be self-centered and I’m definitely insecure. I don’t think these necessarily go away completely once you have kids. But I think perspective on them changes because it’s no longer all about you.

I also relate on the level that once you have an attitude adjustment about something, the world takes notice. I’ve had a major attitude adjustment in my life since the beginning of summer and, having come to certain conclusions, I noticed the positive response from the world around me. This change in my life has proven what an important lesson it is to listen to your heart because the answers to all our questions, frustrations, and worries are there. We may not like what we hear but that’s when we should especially listen. Our mind may think it knows best but sometimes we need to give the controls over to the heart however insane that may make us look. Trust me. I know a thing or two about that.

Can't We Have A Conditional Relationship?

06.21.2010

A screening of Iron Man 2 was playing at Rob’s work tonight and so he took me to go see it knowing that it was one of my anticipated movies of the summer. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and a lady’s eyes can never get tired of looking at good ol’ Mr. Robert Downey, Jr.

Next to us sat a co-worker of Rob’s who had brought her adorable little boy. He was about 5 years-old, maybe even 4 (I’m horrible at judging kids’ ages) and I figured the movie must’ve been such a treat for him to see. Rob often tells me that superheroes and comic books are greatly important to little boys.

I found myself wishing that it were normal to have a kid conditionally. I know that totally defeats the purpose of parenting and bonding, etc., etc. But, it would be nice to enjoy the child when I wanted to and then he/she could just, you know, “go back.” Uh, “Where?” you ask? I don’t know. I haven’t figured that part out yet.

The thing is, I really do like and enjoy kids. And, oddly, most kids take to me. I find a kinship with them. I feel like my true silly of a personality can come out with them and no one passes judgment on me. I can play with imaginary friends, build castles out of couch cushions, and become a knight with a shield and a sword fighting off dragons. I LOVE this kind of stuff. I just don’t want the responsibility of having to give up so much of my time to do all the “extras” that involve kids (dealing with tantrums, negotiations, toys everywhere, food issues…I could keep going…)

I know you gotta take the good with the bad. I understand that logically. But I like coming and going as I please. I like having to only worry about myself, my husband, and the cats. I like being able to sleep in if I want to. I like not having to worry about meltdowns at a supermarket and watching everyone stare at me like I’m the worst mother in the world.

But I also understand that in 10 years from now, there’s a strong chance I’ll reflect on my 30s with great regrets like I do when I reflect on my 20s. I never thought I’d get married and I never wanted a family of my own. I was always career oriented though I did absolutely nothing to take any steps to reach my career goals (though I'm doing that now). What I did instead was meet an amazing man who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That threw a wrench into my whole vision of how I saw my future but I wouldn’t trade any decisions that led me to him for anything in the world.

Couldn’t a child affect in the same way?