Not Music To My Ears

05.08.2010

What was supposed to be me dropping off some stuff for my sister today turned out to be going out to lunch and hanging out in the afternoon which was so much fun. We had a yummy lunch, chatted, laughed, and reminisced. We’re truly becoming friends and, given the kind of relationship we had 3 years ago and in the years preceding that, I’m very grateful that our relationship has veered away from the direction that it looked like it was heading.

While hanging out at her place, she popped in a DVD of Fleetwood Mac and we proceeded to watch a little and talk about the music industry and the life of a creative person. Stevie Nicks is known to be a creative force and the talent that she has is unparalleled. But, as a trade-off, she has no kids. She’s apparently very close to her sister and two nieces, but has no children of her own.

I remember reading an article some years back about her and she talked about the choices that she made in life and that she regrets never having children but given her schedule, her life, and her drug habits at one point, that it’s actually better she didn’t bring any children into this world. For as grateful as I am for this woman being honest and not having children for some selfish reason, this is the very thing that I keep talking about and an issue with which I consistently wrestle.

Early on in my relationship with Rob, we had an argument about why there are more men in Hollywood than woman. Both of us got frustrated; I don’t feel I was able to express myself clearly and Rob kept saying that all I was doing was stereotyping.

But here’s my argument. When you’re in a creative mode, hours could go by before you realize how much time has gone by. When I’m writing, I could start at 10 am and the next thing I know it’s 3 pm and I haven’t even had lunch yet. Time just flies by. So let’s say that you put in an 8-hour day of writing. Let me ask, who makes your lunch for you? Who is going to do the laundry for you? Who is going to make dinner? What if a room needs cleaning? Who is going to clean it? What if you have no food in the house? Who’s going to do the shopping? What about kids if you have them? Who takes them and picks them up from school? Who helps with the homework?

It’s one thing when you’re living alone. But it’s a different thing when you’re living with someone. Between a man and a woman, it’s the woman who runs the household. So, for me, I often sacrifice my writing time so that stuff can get done around the house. I have seen an entire weekend go by without Rob coming out of his room because he’s doing one thing or the other. He, as a guy, is perfectly fine eating out, skipping meals, or not really being concerned with what’s going on outside the realm of his four walls. And if food shopping doesn’t get done that week, it’s, like “Oh, well. I’ll eat out at lunch all week.”

This certainly isn't an attack on Rob and he definitely has his days where he picks up the slack of the household chores. But, in general, I have always found that men have an easier time “checking out” and I think it’s more difficult for women to do that because of all the things women think about all at once. I think that a man doesn’t have a problem putting in 10 hours of creative time whereas it’s much more difficult for a woman to dedicate that much time to something AND clean the house AND do the shopping AND cook dinner AND put the kids to bed, etc. It’s just not possible or it puts a huge strain on the woman and relationships with the spouse and children suffer.

I know that it all comes down to communication and talking over with your partner about your needs. But I still have a problem with the fact that women have to choose between career and family. Men do, as well, to a degree, especially these days when there is a lot more divided labor in the home, but when you break it down, it really is the woman who has a deeper stake in the choice and it’s unfair.