Holiday Struggles

11.23.2010

Each year, around the holidays, I feel more in limbo. There are certain routines and rituals I’m used to at this time of year because of what I grew up with but now, being married, and especially now with my mom living elsewhere, I feel like there’s no concrete routine or ritual in our family. We go over to Rob’s parents house, which is always fun and I’m lucky enough to adore them, so that’s not a problem. But I feel an emptiness in terms of knowing exactly what to expect.

Growing up, we always went to Chicago for Christmas. We always had a traditional, Lithuanian Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas was always spent at our cousin’s house with the entire extended family. How I miss those days! Rob’s extended family is all back east, so there's just a tiny group of us out here.

Last year, I made the traditional Lithuanian Christmas Eve dinner myself and wore myself out. I wish I could say that’s the only reason I’m considering not making it this year but the fact of the matter is I don’t know if I can eat the food. Not only is it fattening, it wreaks havoc on my digestive system. So I’m finding myself deeper in limbo because I’m not sure I can continue that little bit of my childhood. I know that when you’re married new memories and traditions should be created but frankly, Rob dislikes the holidays, so any “tradition” that were to start would come from me. And I feel somewhat alone in that.

We can’t even have our fake Christmas tree anymore because of our cat who eats it irritating his medical condition. Well, there’s that and the fact that he and the other cat climb the tree. I don’t know if we could have a real tree, but I’d hate to spend money on one only to find out we can’t. So now I have to figure out what we’re going to use instead…if anything at all.

This is where I think having a kid would help the situation because you try to find ways to make this time of year special for him/her. You want him/her to have the same kind of memories you yourself had. But is that any reason to have a kid? So you’re “happier” during this time period? We’re each responsible for our own happiness.

I know this offers a blank slate, an opportunity to start our own traditions…but I’m not sure how to go about it. And I’m not sure how ready I am to put parts of my childhood behind me.

My AI Moment. What's Yours?

10.28.2010

Last week, I went to my elementary school for an open house. Not only am I an alumnus but I also taught there for a year. This school is part of the Archdiocese and so it's on the brink of being closed down due to all the financial issues the Church is having; therefore, I try to support any activities they have whenever I can.

At the open house, two students took me on a tour of the premises, although most of it looked the same from when I worked there 10 years ago which, at that point, hadn’t looked much different from when I graduated. Both the 7^th and 8^th graders flooded me with questions about my experiences there as a student, and it was during this spontaneous Q&A that I was reminded of what it is exactly I miss about teaching. It’s also the only thing.

One of the questions posed was whether or not there was anything I missed about the school. This gave me pause. I then began my answer with, “I know this won’t mean much to you but what I miss is being your age and having time. Time to play, time to be with friends and having one of my biggest worries be about completing my homework.” There were, of course, other things going on at home that I don’t miss but I miss having two hours to write in my journal, for example.

I never appreciated all that my mom did, and as a single parent at that. There are choices she made that I certainly wish she made differently, but, today, every time I have to stop a project to make dinner, I think about how, as a kid, I could just keep going.

Parents bring a child into this world and raise him/her, teaching him/her how to be self-sufficient and productive (or at least they should be). Parents parlay their values and have hopes and dreams for and expectations of their child only to often become disappointed with the choices that he/she has made (because it wasn’t the vision that they had for their child). Parents invest so much of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually into these little carbon copies of themselves who will end up maybe never appreciating, let alone aware of, all the sacrifices they, as parents, made and continue to make. Isn’t that painful?

I’d like to return, even for an AI-like moment, to a time when I was working on some school project while my mom prepared dinner (if she was home) and, instead of being annoyed by or annoyed with her, I’d like to appreciate that for that moment in time she was letting me be a kid.[1]

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[1] I am referring to the Stanley Kubrick/Steven Spielberg movie AI (Artificial Intelligence), 2001.