Holiday Struggles

11.23.2010

Each year, around the holidays, I feel more in limbo. There are certain routines and rituals I’m used to at this time of year because of what I grew up with but now, being married, and especially now with my mom living elsewhere, I feel like there’s no concrete routine or ritual in our family. We go over to Rob’s parents house, which is always fun and I’m lucky enough to adore them, so that’s not a problem. But I feel an emptiness in terms of knowing exactly what to expect.

Growing up, we always went to Chicago for Christmas. We always had a traditional, Lithuanian Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas was always spent at our cousin’s house with the entire extended family. How I miss those days! Rob’s extended family is all back east, so there's just a tiny group of us out here.

Last year, I made the traditional Lithuanian Christmas Eve dinner myself and wore myself out. I wish I could say that’s the only reason I’m considering not making it this year but the fact of the matter is I don’t know if I can eat the food. Not only is it fattening, it wreaks havoc on my digestive system. So I’m finding myself deeper in limbo because I’m not sure I can continue that little bit of my childhood. I know that when you’re married new memories and traditions should be created but frankly, Rob dislikes the holidays, so any “tradition” that were to start would come from me. And I feel somewhat alone in that.

We can’t even have our fake Christmas tree anymore because of our cat who eats it irritating his medical condition. Well, there’s that and the fact that he and the other cat climb the tree. I don’t know if we could have a real tree, but I’d hate to spend money on one only to find out we can’t. So now I have to figure out what we’re going to use instead…if anything at all.

This is where I think having a kid would help the situation because you try to find ways to make this time of year special for him/her. You want him/her to have the same kind of memories you yourself had. But is that any reason to have a kid? So you’re “happier” during this time period? We’re each responsible for our own happiness.

I know this offers a blank slate, an opportunity to start our own traditions…but I’m not sure how to go about it. And I’m not sure how ready I am to put parts of my childhood behind me.