The Tic Toc of Uncle Ben

07.24.2010

Today we went to a wedding and it got me thinking about how life just keeps moving forward and how in the blink of an eye we’ve created so many memories without realizing it. This year, Rob and I celebrate being together for 9 years. I wish time didn’t go so fast. I’m finally comfortable in my own skin and it seems like each year whizzes by faster and I’m unable to catch up. I know time is relative and I’m not in some race to win, but when it comes to the issue of expanding our family, there’s a part of me that wishes I were where I was 4 years ago. Where that pressure to make a decision wasn’t so pronounced. I’d like to be comfortable in my own skin for a while longer before deciding to bring a child into this world when I may feel like I've lost myself again. At least until the child gets older...

Baby vs. Job, Part II

03.24.2010

I’ve been working so hard on my school project that’s due on Friday and all this time that I’m forced to dedicate to it makes me grow resentful of the whole thing. I discovered last night that the last time I felt this exhausted in being “creative” was when teaching particularly that second year. Having to put together art projects or creative assignments for the students meant that I had to go through the project myself to try and see what was appropriate and useful, as well as to work out any kinks. I’m not working toward a credential or anything but this amount of time, effort, and dedication for the art program has brought out these negative emotions in me again.

It’s made me re-evaluate what are my short-term goals. I’m so constantly focused on the long-term goals that I put myself in these positions that I find myself in now having lost sight of what I want now and, in doing so, have derailed from my long-term goals. Thus, I am wasting time. Precious, precious time.

This crazy thought ran through my head this week. If I’m so miserable in the art program, through no fault of my own (it’s run horribly and most classes are set up for the student to fail; I guess it’s some sort of a test to see who can “tough it out”). So if I’m so miserable, what next? We all know my challenges with: job or baby, so…why not baby? I was trying to be my own devil’s advocate and was trying to see it from a perspective that I haven’t looked at yet. I may be scared, I may have all these questions, I may worry, etc. etc. etc. But in regards to the goals and dreams that I have career-wise, I may never achieve any of them or I may achieve only 1, neither of which would make me necessarily happy. So at the risk of never achieving a career goal I’m putting aside an opportunity to have a child because I’m hell-bent on making it as a writer, something that, at 35 and as a woman, I have every odd against me. There’s a part of me that wants to “Dare to dream” but there’s another part of me that’s pointing a finger and saying “Show me the odds in your favor and then have a baby”. I don’t know which side to listen to and I wish I had my own guru. It’s always so easy in the damn movies.

Baby vs. Job, Part I

03.21.2010

Despite being happy for the most part with where I am in my life, when it comes to the topic of planning a family, I’m getting increasingly frustrated and I’m curious if anyone feels the same way, similar to, or has felt the same way as I.

Very recently, I made the decision that after this semester, I won’t continue with the program that I started last fall. This decision has been several months in the making and, for all intents and purposes, I wish I had made this decision before the semester started but, nonetheless, I didn’t and now I have to wait it out. But the thing that’s becoming increasingly frustrating is how do we, as a family, proceed with our family planning?

Rob’s company is being sold so his future with the company, once it’s officially taken over by a new owner, is unclear. And with me not continuing with my program, the question becomes, Do we start a family now while I’m still unemployed or not? A few days ago I realized that no company is going to hire a pregnant woman so if I get pregnant now, I can’t expect to be hired until after the baby is born. But then I should probably wait a few months past that because I shouldn’t jump into a job right when the baby is born.

If I get a job now, I have to wait to get pregnant until I’ve worked long enough to accrue the necessary time to get maternity leave, and that’s assuming that the company for which I work even has that option.

An even bigger wrench thrown into the dilemma is that there is absolutely no guarantee that I’d get pregnant in time for either situation to pan out. If I look for a job now and get pregnant in the next 3-6 months, I’m “cooked”; no one will hire me. But if I don’t look for a job hoping to get pregnant in the next 6 months and I don’t, I’ve lost the time that I could’ve been looking for a permanent job.

The other side of the coin is that if put off just starting to try to get pregnant for another 18-24 months, I will be around 37-years old and my chances of getting pregnant drop immensely. Do I want to take that risk? And if we’re going ahead with our own biological children, I don’t want just one; I’d like the child to have a sibling. Therefore, we’d have two children under the age of 5 at the same time because I don’t want to be in my 40s trying for a second child.

I’m so incredibly frustrated and I, again, find myself in a situation where I totally resent the fact that, as a woman, I have to face this decision. Men don’t have to face this choice. And I also resent the fact that because I chose to have a life in my 20s, I’m now being penalized for that decision. I chose to do different things while in my 20s and am now ready to “settle down” with a permanent job but I’m faced with having to choose between a job or a baby. I wasn’t ready for either choice in my 20s but it’s almost like I feel like it’s too late for either. Or at least I’m at the point where I feel like it’s getting to be too late for either.

I mean, I talk about how important it is to know yourself and stay true to yourself as an individual and I didn’t have that in my 20s so adding a child to that mix would have been very detrimental to both of us. How is this fair? It’s as if women have this small window of opportunity to do the “career thing” but then, you better rush off to have a kid because, if anything, your body is going to start shutting down and all you’ll have to show for yourself is a career. I don’t agree that women should be having kids in their (late) 40s and 50s but I really do feel the physical pressure of having a kid and the pressure of finding a satisfactory job. I just wish there were some happy medium because I can’t see it now and it angers me.