If I Could Save Time in a Bottle

01.31.2011

One month of this new year…gone. Amazing, isn’t it? I sometimes wish that I could experience the world without time. I remember reading that Einstein said that time is relative. Have you ever found yourself feeling like time was dragging and other times, you look at the clock, it’s a certain time and in what seems like a blink of an eye, 5 hours have gone by? Einstein would use that as an example to explain how there really is no such thing as “time.” And I agree. Humans made it up. Once upon a time, the US was all over the place with the clock. Each state tracked time differently but it wasn’t until the transcontinental railroad was built that government unified time.

I think it’d be quite freeing to live in a world without time. Then it wouldn’t be so scary to see its passage on children. I remember adults telling me how fast I was growing up and I couldn’t stand it. I figured they had nothing else to say to me other than lamenting their own lost youth. Now I’m on the flip side of that coin and, dammit, if that’s not how I feel. It’s not like I necessarily wish to be young again. I just wish I had that time. Imagine if we didn’t live in such a linear society... There’d be no “Wow, where did the last 30 years go by?” It would just be. I think we’d be more inclined to live each day in the moment. Perhaps that is a reason people have kids. Small children have no concept of time and each day is filled with wonder. We adults lose those qualities somewhere along the way and our children remind us of the beauty of the moment. And of course, it is those moments that we capture in our minds that instantly become beloved memories, just like yesterday, just like today and just like tomorrow will be...

One Needs a Core

12.16.2010

A friend of mine has raised three grown sons and she told me the other day that she still has to remind herself that she is, in fact, a mom.

This struck me because I was under the impression that at some point in one’s life, quite possibly when you have a kid, things just click in to place. Not that you have everything figured out but that you, you know, grow up and that somehow having a kid makes you smarter. I know that may sound silly and/or may not make much sense but one of the reasons I’m scared of having a kid is because I have trouble seeing myself as “an adult.” Would having a child make me lose my sense of play? Would I lose my sense of wonder as I was bogged down with the responsibility of raising another human being? Would I see myself differently?

Perhaps there’s some truth to all those questions and that, yes, a part of my current definition of “play” would change or my sense of wonder would change as I witnessed the world through my child’s eyes and, yes, I suppose I would see myself differently. But we are all individuals before the child comes into our world with our own set of interests, likes and dislikes and though some of that may alter over time, I think the core of who we are remains the same post-child. What I’m starting to realize is that many of us have difficulty recognizing the movement of time and that the wistful days of our youth have long gone. Life moves forward, and that’s OK.

My AI Moment. What's Yours?

10.28.2010

Last week, I went to my elementary school for an open house. Not only am I an alumnus but I also taught there for a year. This school is part of the Archdiocese and so it's on the brink of being closed down due to all the financial issues the Church is having; therefore, I try to support any activities they have whenever I can.

At the open house, two students took me on a tour of the premises, although most of it looked the same from when I worked there 10 years ago which, at that point, hadn’t looked much different from when I graduated. Both the 7^th and 8^th graders flooded me with questions about my experiences there as a student, and it was during this spontaneous Q&A that I was reminded of what it is exactly I miss about teaching. It’s also the only thing.

One of the questions posed was whether or not there was anything I missed about the school. This gave me pause. I then began my answer with, “I know this won’t mean much to you but what I miss is being your age and having time. Time to play, time to be with friends and having one of my biggest worries be about completing my homework.” There were, of course, other things going on at home that I don’t miss but I miss having two hours to write in my journal, for example.

I never appreciated all that my mom did, and as a single parent at that. There are choices she made that I certainly wish she made differently, but, today, every time I have to stop a project to make dinner, I think about how, as a kid, I could just keep going.

Parents bring a child into this world and raise him/her, teaching him/her how to be self-sufficient and productive (or at least they should be). Parents parlay their values and have hopes and dreams for and expectations of their child only to often become disappointed with the choices that he/she has made (because it wasn’t the vision that they had for their child). Parents invest so much of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually into these little carbon copies of themselves who will end up maybe never appreciating, let alone aware of, all the sacrifices they, as parents, made and continue to make. Isn’t that painful?

I’d like to return, even for an AI-like moment, to a time when I was working on some school project while my mom prepared dinner (if she was home) and, instead of being annoyed by or annoyed with her, I’d like to appreciate that for that moment in time she was letting me be a kid.[1]

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[1] I am referring to the Stanley Kubrick/Steven Spielberg movie AI (Artificial Intelligence), 2001.

The Tic Toc of Uncle Ben

07.24.2010

Today we went to a wedding and it got me thinking about how life just keeps moving forward and how in the blink of an eye we’ve created so many memories without realizing it. This year, Rob and I celebrate being together for 9 years. I wish time didn’t go so fast. I’m finally comfortable in my own skin and it seems like each year whizzes by faster and I’m unable to catch up. I know time is relative and I’m not in some race to win, but when it comes to the issue of expanding our family, there’s a part of me that wishes I were where I was 4 years ago. Where that pressure to make a decision wasn’t so pronounced. I’d like to be comfortable in my own skin for a while longer before deciding to bring a child into this world when I may feel like I've lost myself again. At least until the child gets older...

Didn't I Just Wake Up?

06.15.2010

Today was one of those days where I woke up and the next thing I know it was 3 pm. Why is it as we get older, time slips by faster than when you’re younger? It’s not fair.

It was also one of those days where I found it difficult to get motivated. I’ve been having a lot of those days and, I suspect, it mainly has to do with the fact that I’ve been eating like crap lately. You truly are what you eat and it affects your mood, your brain function, sleep patters, etc.

It’s definitely during these moments, these kinds of days and weeks, I feel like a child would be getting mixed messages from me which would, of course, mess them up. I talk about how important health is to me but I’ve completely fallen off the wagon of a consistent exercise schedule or planning my meals which is one of the key ingredients to losing weight (something that hasn’t happened for me in months).

I guess I should remind myself that though the mixed messages might be doing some damage, the larger picture is teaching the child that fluctuations in schedule occur constantly and the best that you can is the best that you can do. I try to exercise when I can…so I guess that’s a lesson in itself. I might be out of balance on some things…but I’m working on it. And that’s what a kid needs to learn: To not stop trying.