Epilogue

I was thinking about this blog recently and realized that I should be honest about the outcome, given that the purpose of it was not just to explore our world through issues surrounding children but my own thoughts about having kids.

This last September, Rob and I welcomed a little girl into our lives.  The decision to have a kid was never concrete and even upon finding out I was pregnant I was unsure.  The pregnancy journey was not fun and those women who think it is mystify me.  What made it especially challenging was that I developed an overgrown fibroid which started to die and the pain I endured from that was even worse than labor.

Currently, we’re 4 ½ months in and, obviously, much has changed since she was born. Having a child isn’t for everybody and you won’t find me advocating for it or against it because we’re all on our own path.  Life gets turned on to its heels after a child is born.  You go through such a shock to your system that there’s nothing I can compare it to.  I don’t remember the first 6 weeks, arguably 12, but I, obviously, survived and got through it somehow because I’m still here.

This might be weird to say but I would’ve been ok with not having kids.  I had a full life before and felt that I had purpose.  I wasn’t seeking to fill any void and can find it annoying when people say, “I don’t remember life before kids.”  That may be true for them but I certainly do and, honestly, I sometimes miss it.

But having said that, knowing what I now know, I can’t imagine my life without our daughter.  If I were to lose her, I would suffer.  She makes me understand the world a little differently, if not more deeply.  This doesn’t make me a better person than someone who’s childless, by any means.  I liken it to teaching: I was always sympathetic to the plight of teachers but didn’t really understand their world until I became one.  I could understand a parent before having a child myself but only up to a certain point.  As a parent, I understand patience more deeply (although being a teacher helped).  I understand fearlessness and sacrifice where I’d do anything for her without question.  I also understand love on a level I didn’t think someone like me was capable. These don't make me a better person now (since I think I was pretty good before), but I’m already a stronger person because of them.

There are a lot of fears now – oh the fears! – and worries and concerns.  I’ve already had countless moments where I’ve questioned the reasoning behind the choice to be responsible for another human being.  I look at all the hatred people have for each other, all the judgments and lack of responsibility, and my heart aches that we brought an innocent soul into this mess.  A mess that I will have to try and explain one day when I don’t even understand it all myself.

But then I look at her.  I look at her face, her eyes, her smile.  I hear her giggles and now emerging laugh, and somewhere deep within me there’s a flicker of light, of hope, of faith, if you will, that shines telling me that in the end it’ll all be OK.  That the foundation we’re building for her will help grow her good heart and soul that you can already see.  She may witness darkness enveloping our world but my hope is that she’ll see its light is greater.  The lack of sleep, the worry, and all of the concerns that come with this territory of being a parent is a microcosm of the larger picture on Earth.  These things may seem dark in the moment they’re happening but her smiles, giggles and laughter are the light that shine greater than any dark cloud could ever try to cover.  There’s so much focus on the negative aspects of having a kid and of all that you lose.  I know because I sang that tune forever. But what about all that you gain?  I can’t say what this is exactly because it’s different for each of us.

Life is nothing but stages that we go through and the challenges of each stage are what make us stronger individuals.  I may have been unsure before but there’s no doubt in my mind that I will be eternally grateful for choosing to go down this road.  Challenges and all.

Long Day Warrants a Day Off

11.16.2010

I'm taking the day off. The thing is, I know what I want to write about, in fact, there are two topics I was going to spread over to the next day, but I’ve been under a deadline and my creative juices are all used up by this point in the evening. Come back tomorrow for what, I hope, will be a more interesting post. One thing I will say, though, the hours I’ve put in to meet this deadline are exactly why I’m afraid of having kids. Very long days and skipped meals or late meals…can’t do that with a kid… As Barbara Walters warned, “You can’t have it all.”

You're Damned If You Do And You're Damned If You Don't

11.04.2010

I read an article today with Cher who said that her two kids were resentful of her choosing her career over them when they were younger which then prompted me to sarcastically think, “Well, that’s great.” She said her eldest is pretty much over it but her son still harbors resentment. I certainly have my own issues with my mom not being around. So what’s the point? I mean, you try your best as a parent but then we selfish kids want nothing but our parents’ time and dedication while psychologists and others are saying that parents need to take time for themselves and each other. So whatever you do, you’re going to screw up your kids, right?

Makes me think of Susan Sarandon’s response to the question of how was she able to raise kids and work successfully in the entertainment industry. “You do your best and after years of therapy, you hope they forgive you.”

I don’t have kids and that immediately became my mantra. I guess that it’s true, though. Parents can’t be there for you every time all the time. And part of growing up is accepting that and learning from it.

The Fertility Test

10.12.2010

A couple of weeks ago, I took a fertility test. I first heard about such a test through a friend and finally went to a gyno to talk about it and get some other things checked out. The scare I had with the MRI earlier this year is nothing to be alarmed about, though something to be monitored. I’m not totally convinced that it’s not contributing to some other issues I’m having but this is where I have to take a leap of faith in science.

For anyone who is like me and has no idea what exactly is a fertility test for women, it is a blood test taken on your 2^nd or 3^rd day of your period.

The entire week I waited for the results, I thought about the reactions I could have to one of the two possible results. What if I’m abnormal? Or, what if I’m normal?

It was easier for me to answer the first question because if something is physically wrong with me then the decision is made for me and I can wash my hands of it. And a part of me was actually hoping for this (I know that sounds horrible. Please lightning don’t strike me).

But alas, the results came back normal and the doctor said all is great. The more I search for an outside source to make this damn decision and to give me a sign that we shouldn’t have kids, the more the signs point in the opposite direction.

I've been a fighter and a survivor for much of my life and it’s instinct to prepare for battle and the worst scenario. The downside to this is that I tend to ignore other possibilities. I’ve created a battle in weighing the decision to have a baby; an internal struggle that’s become more difficult than it probably should be.

“Every journey begins with a first step.” I stand on a precipice of sorts, waiting. If I take a step forward off that cliff, I fall and will need to spread my wings and fly observing what’s below me through a new pair of eyes. If I continue to stand on the precipice, I’m safe, on land, comfortable and secure.

“Every. Journey. Begins. With a first step.” How much of life is explored through the eyes of comfort?

Not Music To My Ears

05.08.2010

What was supposed to be me dropping off some stuff for my sister today turned out to be going out to lunch and hanging out in the afternoon which was so much fun. We had a yummy lunch, chatted, laughed, and reminisced. We’re truly becoming friends and, given the kind of relationship we had 3 years ago and in the years preceding that, I’m very grateful that our relationship has veered away from the direction that it looked like it was heading.

While hanging out at her place, she popped in a DVD of Fleetwood Mac and we proceeded to watch a little and talk about the music industry and the life of a creative person. Stevie Nicks is known to be a creative force and the talent that she has is unparalleled. But, as a trade-off, she has no kids. She’s apparently very close to her sister and two nieces, but has no children of her own.

I remember reading an article some years back about her and she talked about the choices that she made in life and that she regrets never having children but given her schedule, her life, and her drug habits at one point, that it’s actually better she didn’t bring any children into this world. For as grateful as I am for this woman being honest and not having children for some selfish reason, this is the very thing that I keep talking about and an issue with which I consistently wrestle.

Early on in my relationship with Rob, we had an argument about why there are more men in Hollywood than woman. Both of us got frustrated; I don’t feel I was able to express myself clearly and Rob kept saying that all I was doing was stereotyping.

But here’s my argument. When you’re in a creative mode, hours could go by before you realize how much time has gone by. When I’m writing, I could start at 10 am and the next thing I know it’s 3 pm and I haven’t even had lunch yet. Time just flies by. So let’s say that you put in an 8-hour day of writing. Let me ask, who makes your lunch for you? Who is going to do the laundry for you? Who is going to make dinner? What if a room needs cleaning? Who is going to clean it? What if you have no food in the house? Who’s going to do the shopping? What about kids if you have them? Who takes them and picks them up from school? Who helps with the homework?

It’s one thing when you’re living alone. But it’s a different thing when you’re living with someone. Between a man and a woman, it’s the woman who runs the household. So, for me, I often sacrifice my writing time so that stuff can get done around the house. I have seen an entire weekend go by without Rob coming out of his room because he’s doing one thing or the other. He, as a guy, is perfectly fine eating out, skipping meals, or not really being concerned with what’s going on outside the realm of his four walls. And if food shopping doesn’t get done that week, it’s, like “Oh, well. I’ll eat out at lunch all week.”

This certainly isn't an attack on Rob and he definitely has his days where he picks up the slack of the household chores. But, in general, I have always found that men have an easier time “checking out” and I think it’s more difficult for women to do that because of all the things women think about all at once. I think that a man doesn’t have a problem putting in 10 hours of creative time whereas it’s much more difficult for a woman to dedicate that much time to something AND clean the house AND do the shopping AND cook dinner AND put the kids to bed, etc. It’s just not possible or it puts a huge strain on the woman and relationships with the spouse and children suffer.

I know that it all comes down to communication and talking over with your partner about your needs. But I still have a problem with the fact that women have to choose between career and family. Men do, as well, to a degree, especially these days when there is a lot more divided labor in the home, but when you break it down, it really is the woman who has a deeper stake in the choice and it’s unfair.