All Magic, All The Time?

11.01.2010

I’ve been feeling inadequate lately and the main culprit for this is that I’ve been doing a lot of comparing of my life with others. I hate when I do this because it offers nothing good but, alas, I fell down that rabbit hole and now I’m dealing with it. (Or not.)

It seems like those with kids have all the answers to life. They’re always happy and life is lived for their kids, through their kids, and by their kids. This really makes me feel like a horrible individual that in order for one to be happy and content, one must have kids. We mainly hear stories of the fantastic, funny, imaginative, etc things that kids do and how all those things accumulated make a parent’s life so much richer. I, personally, would like to hear more stories of parents juggling life, their relationship with each other, work and time alone successfully. As magical as having a kid may be, I’m not so sure that it’s necessarily all magic all the time. But hell, maybe I’m wrong.

The Fertility Test

10.12.2010

A couple of weeks ago, I took a fertility test. I first heard about such a test through a friend and finally went to a gyno to talk about it and get some other things checked out. The scare I had with the MRI earlier this year is nothing to be alarmed about, though something to be monitored. I’m not totally convinced that it’s not contributing to some other issues I’m having but this is where I have to take a leap of faith in science.

For anyone who is like me and has no idea what exactly is a fertility test for women, it is a blood test taken on your 2^nd or 3^rd day of your period.

The entire week I waited for the results, I thought about the reactions I could have to one of the two possible results. What if I’m abnormal? Or, what if I’m normal?

It was easier for me to answer the first question because if something is physically wrong with me then the decision is made for me and I can wash my hands of it. And a part of me was actually hoping for this (I know that sounds horrible. Please lightning don’t strike me).

But alas, the results came back normal and the doctor said all is great. The more I search for an outside source to make this damn decision and to give me a sign that we shouldn’t have kids, the more the signs point in the opposite direction.

I've been a fighter and a survivor for much of my life and it’s instinct to prepare for battle and the worst scenario. The downside to this is that I tend to ignore other possibilities. I’ve created a battle in weighing the decision to have a baby; an internal struggle that’s become more difficult than it probably should be.

“Every journey begins with a first step.” I stand on a precipice of sorts, waiting. If I take a step forward off that cliff, I fall and will need to spread my wings and fly observing what’s below me through a new pair of eyes. If I continue to stand on the precipice, I’m safe, on land, comfortable and secure.

“Every. Journey. Begins. With a first step.” How much of life is explored through the eyes of comfort?