Free The Hikers: Part II

01.29.2011

Briefly on the event the other night… It included a short documentary on the hikers and their plight with interviews with family members and Sarah Shourd herself. It was heartbreaking to listen to what the mothers went through when they found out that their children were caught and detained (and what they’re still going through). The Iranian government has lead them on several times about their release by giving an official release date, but the date came and went without incident. Since the hikers were caught, the mothers have spoken to their sons two or three times and were granted a visit once. The entire situation is horrendous and the overall treatment of the hikers underscores how dark humanity can get.

I imagine that when a child is born, parents want to do everything in their power to protect him/her. As a result, I can understand how this alone makes it difficult for a parent to let go of a child at any stage. The world is a scary place. It’s hard to fathom what it feels like to suddenly lose a family member in whatever capacity like murder or political prisoner.

This is going to seem like a silly comparison but some years back my sister and I had a deep schism in our relationship that culminated in our not speaking to each other except for an occasional moment at a family function two or three times a year. This was an excruciatingly painful time for me because I had to learn to let go. With 7 years difference between us, I’ve often expressed maternal instincts toward her and I wanted to protect her from the situation she was in but I couldn’t. I also didn’t know for how long she’d allow herself to be in that situation and I didn’t know if our relationship was irreparable. Luckily, it was. But I understand the deep desire for something to be a certain way and yet you can’t change it no matter how desperate you are. You have to let the child (or sibling) go through the storm and find ways to let him/her know that when he/she finds his/her way back to land, you’ll be their lighthouse. My wish is for those hikers’ storm to end quickly and for them to come home to the lighthouses that wait shining and patient.

Traveling Toward Independence

12.19.2010

In the Travel Section of today’s LA Times, there was an interesting article about giving the gift of travel to a loved.[1] Although the article didn’t focus entirely on kids, I want to include its opening paragraph:

As parents struggle to find just the right gift for their children this holiday season, let me make a suggestion: I’d give the gift of independence. In this age of “helicopter parenting” – our unceasing hovering over our children – it’s not always easy to instill in them the joy of independence and its corollary, self-reliance. Do we really want them to put us aside and embark on some other journey, separate from our care? Yes, I’m not suggesting dropping a teenager in the middle of the Gobi Desert and wishing him good luck…but a series of escalating challenges is the quickest route to becoming your own person. Travel not only opens a window to the world; it also grants the traveler an opportunity to peer deeply inside himself…When we travel, we change under the influence of impressions, memories and experiences that force us to reexamine and reevaluate our present, our past, who we are and what we aspire to be. Travel puts life into perspective, often reminding us of what’s important.

I was sixteen years old when I spent my junior year of high school abroad. As a teen, of course, you think know absolutely everything but when I think about how young I was, I’m astonished that my mother, very much a control freak, allowed me to go. It was also the year where I began to grow up emotionally in ways that I wouldn’t have ever been able to do otherwise. I was always “older” than most because of my situation at home and the responsibilities I had but that year abroad…it made me see the world and what was possible. I agree with the journalist that when you travel alone (or with a select few friends) and become faced with decisions that only you can make, it forces you to draw from within in order to find a solution. This produces confidence and allows a “take charge” mentality to emerge. As parents, I imagine that the point is to help your child develop these kinds of characteristics and I believe that traveling is a perfect template.

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[1] http://www.latimes.com/travel/la-tr-gift-20101219,0,2204867.story

Accepting Family

07.05.2010

I’ve been really missing my mom this passed weekend. She moved to Lithuania 2 years ago and I haven’t seen her since x-mas ’08 and it’s a mystery when I’ll be seeing her next.

I long ago learned that I had to accept my mom for whom she is and, like parents with their children, I had to accept that she’s going to make her own decisions regardless of what others may or may not think. As an artist, she has always lived her life by her emotions and desires first which always made for a creative environment to grow up in but it had and does have its drawbacks.

This acceptance of a family member’s decision that you don’t necessarily agree with is very difficult. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way but it’s very challenging for me to have to accept that certain things aren’t viewed in the same way as I view them. And I know that parents have to deal with this and their children constantly. If you see that your child is making a mistake, it’s important that you step back and let him/her make the mistake because how else is she/he going to learn? When your child hurts, you hurt. When your child’s happy and excited, so, as a parent, are you.

Our decisions affect more than just us. My mom’s decision to move has affected everyone that she knows and directly changed my (and my sister’s) life forever. Especially because a flight to Lithuania can’t be done over a weekend.

I don’t know how good I would be in stepping back with my opinions and the like if my child were making a decision that I don’t agree with. I’ve had to be in a mother role for most of my life and I think it’s contributed to my decision to not have kids earlier. The emotional entanglement involved in guiding and raising kids can go deep and when the kid goes against that guidance in some way, the decision can cut deeply. It’s because I’ve had to deal with a lot of decisions made around me that have cut deeply that makes me sometimes wonder how much of that do I want to willingly bring back into my life? How easy is it to differentiate between your child as the child you want to control and the child who is his/her own individual? How do you know when to let go and when to hang on?

Letting Go

05.24.2010

step ashore

if time were to bring only memories,

then i’d grow a tree of wisdom

through which the world could see

the beauty that lies beneath

the surface of the moon.

the desire born in each of us,

innate, to reach those stars

that long ago have died, survived

in light that hides the hunger

that is fed in the subconscious of our mind.

read the prayers that have been written

on the stones of time and tales,

and write the words that pass your lips

when pain and anger stop to peel

the skin upon your cheeks.

set the fire into the storm

and watch it burn the clocks

as they melt my sanity and sanctity –

freezing moments

that only our hearts have chosen.

crave the waters and the sun,

but don’t let the lightning shine

the way onto the path

of darkness into light

without first whispering to me the truth

that only souls like yours

can ever know in death.

05.2000/vb.