Free The Hikers: Part III

02.02.2011

I’m writing about the hikers again because, I think, there’s been a misunderstanding about what message I was trying to convey the other day. I wrote that entry very late and after an exhausting day, and I later realized that it may not have made sense.

To start, for anyone who may be new to my blog and who may not have read my very first entry, the “rules” and “point” of my blog may not be clear. While I do get political and express my opinions, it’s always in the context of analyzing our society through the topic of children whether it’s on parenting or education, for example. I also often provide personal experiences to explore whatever issue(s) I’m discussing in a particular entry. I think my entry on the hikers the other day and relating it to my sister may have been doubly confusing without knowing the way I’ve set things up.

What I personally took away from last week’s event at USC with Sarah Shourd is how despite having every reason to be angry and spiteful, I’m to understand that she’s made peace with her interment and continues to fight for her fiancé and friend. Through this dark period in her life, she’s found a way of letting go of the anger and continues to hope and pray for the release of Josh and Shane.

From their mothers’ perspective, I understood that they too hope and pray (and fight), BUT, I would like to draw attention to the fact that the situation and ultimate decision of their sons’ fate is out of their hands. They can scream, turn blue, throw and break things but nothing will change it. They have the power to do exactly what it is they’re doing now but they can’t force Iran’s government to release their sons. Sometimes the most painful decision includes sitting and waiting and accepting that there is a greater power in control (and I mean that literally and spiritually).

It was this sentiment that I was trying to express when I brought up my sister. I acknowledge that it was a weak attempt and, obviously, my family’s plight at the time didn’t involve a family member unjustly detained. But, without getting into specifics, a life was in danger. My mom and I could do nothing to change the situation and we had to sit, wait and accept that there was a greater power in control. For my family, there was a happy ending. I too wish the same ending for Josh and Shane. I also wish that Sarah and Shane can marry one day and start a life together in peace. They most certainly deserve that as does anyone.

Free The Hikers: Part II

01.29.2011

Briefly on the event the other night… It included a short documentary on the hikers and their plight with interviews with family members and Sarah Shourd herself. It was heartbreaking to listen to what the mothers went through when they found out that their children were caught and detained (and what they’re still going through). The Iranian government has lead them on several times about their release by giving an official release date, but the date came and went without incident. Since the hikers were caught, the mothers have spoken to their sons two or three times and were granted a visit once. The entire situation is horrendous and the overall treatment of the hikers underscores how dark humanity can get.

I imagine that when a child is born, parents want to do everything in their power to protect him/her. As a result, I can understand how this alone makes it difficult for a parent to let go of a child at any stage. The world is a scary place. It’s hard to fathom what it feels like to suddenly lose a family member in whatever capacity like murder or political prisoner.

This is going to seem like a silly comparison but some years back my sister and I had a deep schism in our relationship that culminated in our not speaking to each other except for an occasional moment at a family function two or three times a year. This was an excruciatingly painful time for me because I had to learn to let go. With 7 years difference between us, I’ve often expressed maternal instincts toward her and I wanted to protect her from the situation she was in but I couldn’t. I also didn’t know for how long she’d allow herself to be in that situation and I didn’t know if our relationship was irreparable. Luckily, it was. But I understand the deep desire for something to be a certain way and yet you can’t change it no matter how desperate you are. You have to let the child (or sibling) go through the storm and find ways to let him/her know that when he/she finds his/her way back to land, you’ll be their lighthouse. My wish is for those hikers’ storm to end quickly and for them to come home to the lighthouses that wait shining and patient.

Free The Hikers: Part I

01.27.2011

I’ve had an incredibly intense emotional day today so the most that I can do is post a link to a website that gives information about the hikers that were detained in Iran. I heard Sarah Shourd, who was released in September, speak tonight and was greatly inspired. I promise to write more about this tomorrow when I have the head space to do so but Sarah’s mother was present tonight and the two gentlemen that are still detained have mothers back home here in the US that wait to hold their sons once again. If you have a child, I’m sure you can imagine the pain that these mothers endure knowing their sons are in confinement for no reason and for an indefinite period of time.

http://freethehikers.org/

Women CEOs Who Are Moms

11.02.2010

A few weeks ago, The Wall Street Journal on-line published an article about women CEOs and 12 out of the Fortune 500 companies are led by women, 11 of whom are mothers.[1] This caught my attention because I’m constantly worried about what happens to women and their careers once they have children. It’s still hard to climb the ladder, as the article mentions, but it’s much easier than it was even just 15 years ago.

I’m somewhat disappointed that the article wasn’t as good as I thought it was going to be though I couldn’t tell you what exactly I was looking for in it. Answers, maybe? But to what question(s), I don’t know. Maybe it was to let me know that it’s OK for a woman to want a career and to pursue one while having children. One CEO mother said that you have to plan on not having guilt about missing certain activities and not being there for every single milestone. She also suggested that, “When you walk in the door, you should be ready to say, ‘I am home now,’ and not check email until later.” This makes sense. You compartmentalize your life. Work is work and home is home. Each deserves your attention separately. I can buy that.

What a couple of women said is that being a parent has made their decision-making skills at work much sharper and more compassionate toward others in the company. BJ’s Wholesale Club CEO, Laura Sen, said that, because of her kids, she brought in employee wellness and weight-loss programs because investing in the workforce was important to her. She said that being a mom makes her “have a more maternal view in terms of how” people are treated.

The saddest part of the article, though, is that since 2000 women CEOs still make $0.79 on the dollar where their male counterparts make the full $1.00 and climb the ladder faster. Change in the right direction sure does happen at slow increments, doesn’t it?

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[1] http://finance.yahoo.com/career-work/article/111055/the-corner-office-and-a-family?mod=career-leadership

Mother Polar Bear and Her Cub

10.15.2010

Today has been one of those days…

Finding Inspiration on SNL

09.28.2010

I finally sat down to watch the season opener of Saturday Night Live and wasn’t surprised that it was one of their better episodes because Amy Poehler was hosting. She just had her second child about 7 weeks ago and looks great. As a result of her hosting the show, some of the “oldie but goodies” from the past came back including Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph. Boy, I miss those women. All of them are powerhouses, in my book, and have become successful comediennes as well as mothers in the past 5 years or so and they give me such inspiration. Not that I seek to be a comedienne; that’d be like me trying to make it as a singer. But they followed their passion, became successful, and are moms with family and partner/spouse obligations figuring it out as they go. I’m sure that there’s some drama behind-the-scenes and that they have days when they feel overwhelmed. But, they give me hope that women can strive to have balance between a career and family. There’s still a big chunk of me that fails to believe in that possibility 100% without something giving, but looking at these women gives me pause.

The Clothing Store Experience

08.27.2010

I was at Ross and while standing in line I noticed a mother with her teenaged daughter and another child of about three in a stroller. I would normally make no comment on someone’s race, religion or ethnicity, etc, as I believe such information is unnecessary, but for my particular story it is.

Judging by the head scarves that both mother and daughter wore, I’m guessing that they were Muslim. (I acknowledge that I could be wrong but for the sake of my story, let’s say they were.)

I admit that, like most Americans, I know very little about this religion or its customs. And even though what I saw happened could’ve occurred to anyone, it’s the daughter’s attitude that struck a chord with me.

There were two things I saw. First, when the family was called to the register, the teenaged daughter went ahead of her mother who was having trouble carrying clothes in one hand and pushing the stroller with the other. When the mother dropped a pair of shoes, she yelled out to her daughter (in their native language) who turned around, with an attitude, and said what I imagined to be something along the lines of, “What?” or “How is that my problem?”

The mother said something to make her daughter walk back while at the same time kicking the pair of shoes at her. I was shocked. She was holding one other thing in her hand and I couldn’t understand why she didn’t just bend down to pick them up. Why did she kick the shoes at her daughter?

Once at the register, I observed the daughter giving total attitude to her mom. You know, the typical teenaged attitude that expresses you so totally and seriously don’t want to be seen with your mom because she’s so lame and doesn’t know anything.

This made me think about cultural differences. Does this kind of an attitude among teens exist in the Muslim world? What I do know about them is that they’re deeply religious and very tight with their families. Was this girl’s attitude a result of living in the States?

I’m sure this behavior is blamed on the Americanization of their culture…but is that really true? Yes, we value materialism. Yes, we value money. Yes, we value fame and power. But I wonder if teens act in the same way regardless of their family history and regardless of what part of the world they live in. Or is the “typical teen” as we know it purely a product of American consumerism?

Why Don't I Feel Love?

07.28.2010

I recently met a friend who had a baby a couple of months ago and one of the things we talked about is the emotions that follow once you have a baby. Obviously we were speaking from a woman’s perspective and I started wondering about why more women don’t come out and admit certain feelings and/or thoughts. Well, let me correct myself. I can actually answer that. It’s because it’s not “normal” to have feelings of dislike towards a child that you just birthed, that’s why. Or is it?

I know of two, unrelated adults who admitted to not loving their child once he/she came into their life. I find this fascinating because does this ever come into play in the movies, TV shows or even in conversation with friends? One person said that a few days after his child was born, he and his spouse turned to each other said, “What the hell did we do?” and then admitted that it wasn’t until about month 3 that they started to have feelings of love toward their child.

I know that it seems that I tend to constantly side on the negative and that I may often come across as a pessimist. But all I’ve ever asked for was the full picture and I don’t believe we get that. And worse, I don’t believe women get that. We are sold the notion that getting married and having babies is the only calling we’re meant to follow with deep conviction. I think women need to be told that if they experience negative feelings toward their baby in the beginning, it’s ok. We need to be told that the shock of life being turned upside down is OK. I imagine that new mothers need reassurance that things are going to get better because there’s nothing worse than feeling alone. I wish there were more stories that offered all different kinds of experiences and emotions…

(…hmmmm…a book idea?...)

Mother's Affection Decreases Anxiety?

07.27.2010

Here’s an article that I came across yesterday.[1] Very interesting and…uh…duh! Enjoy!

Can a Mother's Affection Prevent Anxiety in Adulthood? / By Amanda Gardner, Health.com July 26, 2010

Babies whose mothers are attentive and caring tend to grow into happy, well-adjusted children. But the psychological benefits of having a doting mother may extend well beyond childhood, a new study suggests.

According to the study, which followed nearly 500 infants into their 30s, babies who receive above-average levels of affection and attention from their mothers are less likely than other babies to grow up to be emotionally distressed, anxious, or hostile adults.

What's more, the link between the emotional health of adults and their mothers' affection was evident even though the mothers and babies were observed for a single day, when the babies were just 8 months old.

"Even a simple assessment of the quality of the mother-infant interaction at such an early age captures something very important in terms of the future psychological health of that infant," says Joanna Maselko, Ph.D., the lead author of the study and an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Duke University Medical School, in Durham, North Carolina.

The findings, which appear in the "Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health," make a strong case for policies that would help foster positive interactions between infants and parents, such as paid parental leave, Maselko says.

The study also suggests that health insurance should cover services -- such as infant-massage classes -- that have been shown to strengthen the child-caregiver relationship, says Robin Gurwitch, Ph.D., a professor of developmental and behavioral pediatrics at Cincinnati Children's Hospital.

"Early experience can be a mediating factor on what happens to us as adults, and we need to look at things that we can do to improve parent-child bonding that can then perhaps serve as a protective factor later," Gurwitch says.

The study included 482 babies born in Providence in the early 1960s. Along with their mothers, the babies were part of a larger, nationwide study on pregnancy and infancy.

When the babies were eight months old, psychologists observed the mothers' interactions with them as the babies took a series of development tests. The psychologists rated the mother's affection and attention level on a five-point scale ranging from "negative" to "extravagant." The vast majority of the interactions (85 percent) were considered "warm," or normal.

Roughly 30 years later, the babies-turned-adults were interviewed about their levels of emotional distress. The adults whose mothers had displayed "extravagant" or "caressing" affection (the two top ratings) were much less likely than their less-doted-on peers to be anxious. They were also less likely to report hostility, distressing social interactions, and psychosomatic symptoms.

The findings add to a large body of psychological research on mother-child attachment that suggests that healthy bonds between young children and parents are crucial to a child's emotional development.

Maselko and her colleagues suspect that their findings may be explained in part by the hormone oxytocin, which acts as a brain chemical. Also known as the "bonding hormone" or "cuddle hormone," oxytocin is released during breastfeeding and other moments of closeness.

"Oxytocin adds [to] the perception of trust and support, and hence is very helpful in building social bonds," Maselko explains. "It's plausible that close parent-child bonds help support the neural development of the areas of the brain that make and use oxytocin, setting up the child for more effective social interactions and mental health in the future."

For now that's just a theory, however. As the authors note, other factors -- including genetics, a mother's stress levels, or even factors that have nothing to do with the mother -- could explain the findings.

A smaller proportion of mothers with lower socioeconomic status exhibited "extravagant" or "caressing" affection than did better-off mothers, for instance. Although the researchers controlled for socioeconomic status and other characteristics, it's possible that social and financial difficulties during childhood could play a role in adult emotional distress.

Charles Bauer, M.D., a professor of pediatrics, ob-gyn, and psychology at the University of Miami's Miller School of Medicine, says that conclusions about the role of maternal affection on a person's future mental health based on a single day of observation at eight months old are bound to be inexact.

"There are so many intervening variables between eight months and 34 years," Bauer says. "A whole cadre of factors might lead to a more stable environment, a more stable mental health picture, a more stable individual."

Copyright Health Magazine 2010

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[1] http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/07/26/mother.affection.anxiety/index.html?hpt=T2

Exactly Whose Child Are You Friends With?

04.06.2010

Friendships. I think they can be almost as complicated as or as complicated as families.

About a month or so ago, I was listening to KBIG who had a caller write in with the issue that her daughter is friends with another little girl whose mother she did not like at all. This mother was writing in for advice in how to handle the situation. Most people were calling in and recommending that she just had to “suck it up”.

I’m not sure I really agree with this but what’s the alternative? Forbidding your child from being friends with someone? Is it fair to choose your kids’ friends? No parent wants his/her kid hanging out with someone whom you know is headed in the wrong direction. I mean, let’s face it. As adults, you can spot the problem kids. You sure don’t when you’re young. So when is it ok to give your input about whom your kid can hang out with and whom your kid can’t?

And is it wrong to not want your kid to hang out with a kid whose parent you don’t like? I think we can agree that because kids spend so much time with their mothers that sooner than later, whatever qualities one may not like about the mother, the child is going to adopt. Then your child may be influenced by these qualities. We raise our kids with our beliefs and each parent has a different style and I’m not sure it’s necessarily wrong to guide your children to be friends with people who are more in-line with who you are.

Now having said that, I realize the danger that brings to associating yourself with only like-minded people and that’s not necessarily good either. Diversity is good. But I can think of a few people with whom I wouldn’t necessarily want to have a connection with and I’d actually be devastated if our kids became friends. Yes, devastated and I don’t think I’d have the stamina to just “suck it up.” My tolerance level for BS is so low and having to deal with certain people would make me lose my mind and that isn’t good for anyone in my household. So, any thoughts?