Choices Aren't Always Easy

07.20.2010

I was thinking today about this one family that I know whose daughter is over their house with her husband and little girl almost every weekend. Yesterday, the grandfather said to me that it’s so easy to forget how long it takes to dress a little kid and he wondered out loud how he and his wife had any time to do anything while raising their kids.

Sometimes I’m slow (uhh…I’m often slow) but his comment made me realize that my criticism of people who spend so much time with their families once their kid is born may have been harsh. Way harsh.

Everyone tells me that you want family around when you have kids because they’re a great help. But what I never realized is how that help works.

I look at this family’s daughter and she’s always tired, running after a little one, making sure she’s not breaking bones or putting something toxic into her mouth. Doing this by yourself and I’m mean totally and completely by yourself all day, every day, would drive any person bananas no matter how doting.

I can see that out of sheer necessity for sanity whoever is the stay-at-home parent needs to have help and who better than family? It was like a light bulb went off today. That’s not to say I still feel a tinge of being slighted by those people I once considered friends and who now never make time but let’s say I understand their plight a little better. Once a kid comes into your life, everything changes: the rules, the dynamic, and the relationships.

"My Life is Better Than Yours"

06.28.2010

People come and go in our lives…we all know that. As we grow and experience the world through one set of eyes others are witnessing it through a different set. Sometimes the two are compatible for a long time and sometimes not.

I’ve had my share of painful “break-ups” with friends; four in fact. Three of them were by my choice and if I had to do it all over again, including the “break up,” I would. The fourth that fell apart still slightly remains a mystery to me; however, if push came to shove, I’d probably be able to cough up what happened and, after 15 years, I can very much admit to what I did wrong. In fact, this person and I have seen each other a few times over the years but it wasn't until just recently, after a thoroughly pleasant conversation, a great calm came over me. I feel I (we) had closure even though we didn't talk about what happened.

Anyway, back to the point of today's posting.

What is difficult to go through, I think, is when you see someone close to you change, almost overnight, because she had a child. I had to endure friendships where my girlfriend(s) held it over my head that I was the single one and who would remind me that I just couldn’t understand what it was like (to be in a relationship). I kind of always found that to be funny because it was as if I was a demanding friend but, if anything, I was the one who actually withdrew because I didn’t want to bother them and their time with their guy. And now, over the years, some "friends" have held it over my head that I’m not part of the special “baby club.”

I abhor this.

I know that my set of responsibilities is different from parents. I know that my daily routine is different from parents. I know that my concerns are different from parents. But I’m still me and…I thought the friend was still, well, a friend.

I once had to go through this with someone with whom I was a friend since childhood. Granted, our friendship was…an "interesting" one and one that warranted a few therapy sessions over the years. In fact, my relationship with her was very similar to the kind of relationship I had (have?) with my mom. So the baby thing was just one added layer to an ocean-filled list of issues between us.

So now as I get older and more people are having children, I hear more of this exclusivity going around; a kind of “I’m-better-than-you” attitude. To me, this is a way of using children for the sake of some makeshift competition between (insecure) adults. For some, as a toddler, it’s all about who’s got the coolest toys in the sandbox. For some, as a young child, it’s all about who’s got the coolest toys in the backpack. For some, as a teen, it’s about who’s listening to the coolest music (or who has the latest gadgets/video games, etc.). Then that transfers to the coolest college or job or car. I guess the next logical step is that it becomes about who’s got the coolest life with the 2-car garage, 2.35 kids, dog and white picket fence.

I may have once been all about the coolest gadgets, toys and music, but I have no interest in playing the “coolest life” game because, well, those rules seem too boring. I’d like to play a game where people get to be themselves without any pretenses, maybe sing a song or two and, at the end of the day, be happy that they got to see yet another sunset. We only get one shot in this lifetime…why waste it on pretending to be something you're not?