Showing posts with label raising children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label raising children. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A Woman's Inner Battle

02.23.2011

I’m currently reading Tom Brokaw’s book titled Boom! Voices of the Sixties in which he includes brief memoirs on different events and people. As a woman, my life is shaped by experiences that affect my gender and I don’t care what men think, they’ll never understand what it’s like knowing that the odds are against me in getting equal pay or equal opportunity because of my gender. But as aware as I like to consider myself to be, I’m realizing that I really don’t know what women went through so that I'd have the right to vote or the right to choose whether I want to work or not. This particular choice, it’s important to note, is not one that men have. I certainly take issue with the idea that I’d have so much more to give up but when it comes to working, women do have a choice even if it’s not the most financially sane one. (For example, there’s a couple I know of where the wife refuses to work and just pops out kid after kid to avoid the discussion or there’s another couple I know of where the husband was out of work and despite this, the wife refused to get a job because her job was raising the kids – even though her husband was at home too, unemployed, and taking money from his parents to put food on the table). That was a long tangent but my point is that women have the choice to work with kids or stay-at-home with kids. Men don’t naturally have that choice.

Mr. Brokaw wrote about women who were involved in some way with the women’s movement in the 1960s and although I didn’t agree with all the women’s choices or beliefs, what I appreciate is they didn’t let society’s view of what they should be or do hamper their goals in any way. It’s very easy for us women to push ourselves to the side because we’re taught from a young age to serve others and though I’m not advocating selfishness, I think it’s important to keep one’s goals in mind and not lose sight of that. I want to share some quotes that inspired me and made me feel proud to be a woman. It also made me appreciate all those women before me who paved the way for me. On behalf of all women today, Thank You.

She has little patience with women who worry about what they should “do.”
For her, it “isn’t an ethical question. It’s a question of how are they going to
move forward. There was a wave of sentiment that you were somehow
diminished if you didn’t work. My view has always been, work if you want to.
If your job repels you, move on to something else. Be good at what you want
to be.” – Carla Hills, lawyer, Beverly Hills, CA (p. 229).

She thinks that characterizing issues related to family as “women’s issues”
guarantees failure. “These are universal social issues that involve men, women,
and children. If you want to raise a family, it takes time and energy, and it
requires life adjustments – remember what every expectant parent hears: ‘It will
change your life!’ And it does. When ‘family’ is only a woman’s issue, then it
is women who will be expected to make the adjustment.” – Laura, Carla Hills’
daughter, mother of 2 and lawyer herself (p. 231).

“I used to think you could have it all,” she says. “Now I believe you can have it
all, but not all at the same time. There are costs to every decision. Mine weren’t
cost-free. I had only one child and two divorces. That’s a cost.” – Dr. Judith
Rodin, 1st female president of an Ivy League university (U of Penn, 1994-2004;
pp. 221-222).

“I think my generation of women is constantly anxious about balancing
working
and motherhood. We don’t want to completely give up one for the other, and
we’re such compulsive mothers that we’re going eighteen hours a day between
the office and our kids – taking them to music lessons and soccer games, to
museums and swimming. The dads help a lot, but the moms want to be there
for their kids and for their jobs. It’s tough.” – Jennifer Brokaw, mother of two
and emergency-room physician. (p. 240)

Monday, February 21, 2011

Contemplating Life Without Children

02.21.2011

I think I’ve written about this before but I recently revisited the question, “How do you feel about not having kids at all?”

In my 20s, I would’ve offered a definitive answer that it doesn’t bother me. A decade or so later, I’m on the fence sometimes leaning in one direction and sometimes in the other. But the one thing I can definitely say right now is the notion of not having kids scares me more than having them because projecting into the future about 20 years it saddens me to see only Rob and me in the picture. I know that friends can become family and you can have an active life without children. I get it; I understand because Rob and I have lived such a life for 10 years now.

I was thinking about the show Brothers & Sisters that, I have to admit, has become a ridiculous soap opera, but I love the cast and so I continue to watch. But I was thinking about it today because I was thinking about Sally Field’s character and how now, with her husband dead, she lives her life day in and day out and how much more it’s fulfilled with her children. It’s hard to explain. I’m sure she’d be happy without her children (because she wouldn’t know otherwise) but there’s something about having her kids to lean on in difficult times or having her kids laugh with her in good times.

I also know that you can’t predict what kind of a relationship you’d have with your kid. I’d say my relationship with my mom (now) is pretty good. But she’s no longer in the States so the memories we create together are very few for the remainder of her (or my) life. I’d like to think I’d develop a good relationship with my kid(s) and I certainly want to be around in their adult years and see their kid(s) grow up. Jobs, career, money, cars, houses, etc will always be there in some form or another but what solidifies one’s existence is family. I think about the childless couples and wonder when a spouse dies, what’s left?

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Rooster Slowly Sways

12.26.2010

I had an intense discussion with my mother-in-law about pregnancy, labor and epidurals today. I sense the winds they are a-changing…

Friday, December 24, 2010

Family Support

12.24.2010

Happy Christmas Eve! What a successful evening… It would’ve been great to have my mom and grandmother here but we were all together in spirit. I had a great time and the food came out particularly well, which I’m happy about.

I’m lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful family and should a little one enter our lives, I know that he or she (and I) will have a tremendous amount of support. And amidst the crazy amount of concerns and reasons for hesitation I have, knowing this gives me comfort.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Not So Clueless Behavior

12.06.2010

The universe must’ve read my yesterday’s posting because today I was having dinner at a food court when I heard a child crying uncontrollably while in the midst of a complete and utter meltdown. Like, the throw-himself-down-on-the-ground-kind of meltdown.

I took one look at the mom who seemed totally overwhelmed and my heart went out to her. After taking a moment to probably gather her strength, she lifted him off the ground, still screaming (though not kicking), and headed out of the food court. As hard as I know that was for her, I wanted to thank her because I knew once she was gone, we’d have quiet but she wouldn’t.

This reminded me of hearing stories from my mom and how she dealt with my sister’s screaming for the first 5 years of her life. I have a vague recollection of my sister’s constant crying but I do have a good recollection of our neighbor with a deep voice being the only one capable of calming her down. He spent many a night at our house while my mom was studying for her Master’s exams. My mom often retells the moments of how well she understood being pushed to the fringes of insanity by a crying child and would often walk away from her, go to the bathroom, cling to the sink and count for as long as it took her to calm down. She says that if she hadn’t done that she would’ve been arrested for child abuse.

I sometimes wonder how I’d be able to handle a child like that. Rob and I are pretty low key; I tend to have a lot of patience and it takes a lot to push me. But if I had a child that constantly cried and deprived me of sleep and sanity, then, well, I’m not quite sure what the outcome would be. I understand everything in phases…but…I don’t know…I’d be taking a lot of midnight walks and probably, like my mom, know how to count really, really, really well.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Dedicating Your Life to Just Your Kid

11.26.2010

My second year teaching, I had a student whose mother was a “stay-at-home mom.” She got involved in any classroom-related activity, was very nice and sweet, and I appreciated all she did for me. However, even at that time, I wondered what she was going to do once her son left the house. She dedicated her entire life to just her one child, doing nothing else and living for nothing else.

When you teach, it opens up your eyes to a lot of different things. Not only is it amazing birth control but dealing with children and then dealing with their parents gives you a really good psychological edge in life. At least, that’s what I believe.

A woman like the mother of my student scared me immensely at the age of 26 and, frankly, still does. What does a mother like that see when she looks in the mirror 18 years after her child is grown and moved out of the house? What does a mother like that see when she looks at her husband and doesn’t recognize him because he’s carved out a life for himself to accommodate his wife’s dedication toward just the child? What does a mother like that do when her child walks out of the house and starts to live on his/her own (if he/she does at all because the umbilical cord was never quite cut)? The sadness that I imagine is too much.

What is that healthy boundary? I like what Rob’s parents did by trading with other parents. One weekend they would take friends’ kids so that their parents could have some alone time and vice versa. Rob’s parents took care of their own kids but they always made sure to teach boundaries, that adult time was adult time, no exceptions. And this started from when Rob was just born. I like that. I realize now, writing this out that that’s exactly what Rob and I would do. So I guess the key is to keep that line of communication open with your spouse and expresses what you need. I don’t have to raise my kids in a closed-off environment much like my mom did and I certainly don’t have to block off help. If I want a weekend away, I’m going to take it. I always have and I don’t see a child stopping that and, as a matter of fact, it shouldn’t because I don’t want to forget who I am or who I am with Rob and realize 18 years later that I missed an entire life with the man I love and with whom I chose to share my life’s journey. Because, once the kid(s) leave, it’ll be just the two of us again and I don’t want to be strangers.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Schedule Leaves No Room

11.21.2010

(I ended on a bit of a sour note the last time I wrote and I, of course, don’t believe that just naturally skinny people should be allowed to have kids. I had a weak moment…)

Obviously I skipped a day and as much as I tried to sit down and write last night, I just didn’t have the time. I had a 17-hour day yesterday and by 11 pm, I just didn’t have it in me. When it comes to planning a family, such a schedule concerns me, which I know I’ve mentioned before. Unfortunately, I’m happiest when I work on creative projects but the kind of projects I do require an intense amount of preparation, focus, and dedication. It really leaves very little room for children. At least in this stage in the game because we don’t have the money to hire a full-time assistant either for me or for a child and so I’m wearing all the hats in order to make the projects move forward. I can’t imagine tacking on mother to my list. If being a mother is a full-time job in itself, I ask the same question I keep asking, how does one have the time to do anything else?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Women CEOs Who Are Moms

11.02.2010

A few weeks ago, The Wall Street Journal on-line published an article about women CEOs and 12 out of the Fortune 500 companies are led by women, 11 of whom are mothers.[1] This caught my attention because I’m constantly worried about what happens to women and their careers once they have children. It’s still hard to climb the ladder, as the article mentions, but it’s much easier than it was even just 15 years ago.

I’m somewhat disappointed that the article wasn’t as good as I thought it was going to be though I couldn’t tell you what exactly I was looking for in it. Answers, maybe? But to what question(s), I don’t know. Maybe it was to let me know that it’s OK for a woman to want a career and to pursue one while having children. One CEO mother said that you have to plan on not having guilt about missing certain activities and not being there for every single milestone. She also suggested that, “When you walk in the door, you should be ready to say, ‘I am home now,’ and not check email until later.” This makes sense. You compartmentalize your life. Work is work and home is home. Each deserves your attention separately. I can buy that.

What a couple of women said is that being a parent has made their decision-making skills at work much sharper and more compassionate toward others in the company. BJ’s Wholesale Club CEO, Laura Sen, said that, because of her kids, she brought in employee wellness and weight-loss programs because investing in the workforce was important to her. She said that being a mom makes her “have a more maternal view in terms of how” people are treated.

The saddest part of the article, though, is that since 2000 women CEOs still make $0.79 on the dollar where their male counterparts make the full $1.00 and climb the ladder faster. Change in the right direction sure does happen at slow increments, doesn’t it?

Friday, October 22, 2010

"You Have to Be Better..."

10.22.2010

Lately I’ve been contemplating the saying that I often hear from many parents and that is that once you had a kid, you try to be the best person that you possibly could be. Like one of my favorite lines in the movie Away We Go, a woman says about her kids, “You have to be better than you ever imagined.”

I always like to think of myself as already trying to be the best that I can be and I like to tell myself that I certainly don’t need a child to push me to be better. But, as of late, I question those sentiments.

It’s become very easy for me to fall into a lax routine, to come and go as I please and not have to worry about whether or not I’m setting a good example for anyone. And as much I tend to not mind that, when I step outside of my shell, it makes me wonder if I am really being my best when I let things get a little more “slothy” or I don’t push myself to exercise more because all I have is myself. I don’t have to be an example for anyone so why try?

That’s not to say that I haven’t known parents who couldn’t care less about being the best they can be when they have kids. I taught kids with such parents. But I’m taking heed of the comment that I hear from other parents who do take that comment to heart and it makes me wonder if I truly am being as good as I can be.

I’m not saying I have to have a kid to become better. But I think that it becomes easier to be a little lazier in that department because you don’t have to worry about anyone else. There’s no one looking up to you, no one to emulate you and without that I think it’s easier to let part of your personality slip through the cracks.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Nonprofit Makes Science Hot

10.21.2010

I read an article in Sunday’s paper (10.16.2010) about a nonprofit that recently opened whose focus is on engaging children with science. A woman, Tara Chklovski, founded Iridescent while pursuing a doctorate in aerodynamics at USC. She is 32-years old and what an inspiration… I have had many kid-oriented nonprofit ideas in my head but have always talked myself out of exploring them because of fear.

What Ms. Chklovski has done is recruit surrounding-area schools to come to the complex and learn different things about science taught by volunteer teachers who are USC engineering students and the like. One little girl was so enthralled with a workshop where she got to pull things apart that she asked her mom if she could pull apart the family car. The mom didn’t think that was such a good idea, of course. (But hey, a kid excited about science!? And a girl at that!? Yay!)

These are the kinds of things we need more of and it also serves as one more example that it truly does take a village to raise a family. We all have a part in raising the next generation whether we have kids or not.

If you’re looking for a place to donate, I’m sure Iridescent could use the help. www.iridescentlearning.org.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Mother's Affection Decreases Anxiety?

07.27.2010

Here’s an article that I came across yesterday.[1] Very interesting and…uh…duh! Enjoy!

Can a Mother's Affection Prevent Anxiety in Adulthood? / By Amanda Gardner, Health.com July 26, 2010

Babies whose mothers are attentive and caring tend to grow into happy, well-adjusted children. But the psychological benefits of having a doting mother may extend well beyond childhood, a new study suggests.

According to the study, which followed nearly 500 infants into their 30s, babies who receive above-average levels of affection and attention from their mothers are less likely than other babies to grow up to be emotionally distressed, anxious, or hostile adults.

What's more, the link between the emotional health of adults and their mothers' affection was evident even though the mothers and babies were observed for a single day, when the babies were just 8 months old.

"Even a simple assessment of the quality of the mother-infant interaction at such an early age captures something very important in terms of the future psychological health of that infant," says Joanna Maselko, Ph.D., the lead author of the study and an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Duke University Medical School, in Durham, North Carolina.

The findings, which appear in the "Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health," make a strong case for policies that would help foster positive interactions between infants and parents, such as paid parental leave, Maselko says.

The study also suggests that health insurance should cover services -- such as infant-massage classes -- that have been shown to strengthen the child-caregiver relationship, says Robin Gurwitch, Ph.D., a professor of developmental and behavioral pediatrics at Cincinnati Children's Hospital.

"Early experience can be a mediating factor on what happens to us as adults, and we need to look at things that we can do to improve parent-child bonding that can then perhaps serve as a protective factor later," Gurwitch says.

The study included 482 babies born in Providence in the early 1960s. Along with their mothers, the babies were part of a larger, nationwide study on pregnancy and infancy.

When the babies were eight months old, psychologists observed the mothers' interactions with them as the babies took a series of development tests. The psychologists rated the mother's affection and attention level on a five-point scale ranging from "negative" to "extravagant." The vast majority of the interactions (85 percent) were considered "warm," or normal.

Roughly 30 years later, the babies-turned-adults were interviewed about their levels of emotional distress. The adults whose mothers had displayed "extravagant" or "caressing" affection (the two top ratings) were much less likely than their less-doted-on peers to be anxious. They were also less likely to report hostility, distressing social interactions, and psychosomatic symptoms.

The findings add to a large body of psychological research on mother-child attachment that suggests that healthy bonds between young children and parents are crucial to a child's emotional development.

Maselko and her colleagues suspect that their findings may be explained in part by the hormone oxytocin, which acts as a brain chemical. Also known as the "bonding hormone" or "cuddle hormone," oxytocin is released during breastfeeding and other moments of closeness.

"Oxytocin adds [to] the perception of trust and support, and hence is very helpful in building social bonds," Maselko explains. "It's plausible that close parent-child bonds help support the neural development of the areas of the brain that make and use oxytocin, setting up the child for more effective social interactions and mental health in the future."

For now that's just a theory, however. As the authors note, other factors -- including genetics, a mother's stress levels, or even factors that have nothing to do with the mother -- could explain the findings.

A smaller proportion of mothers with lower socioeconomic status exhibited "extravagant" or "caressing" affection than did better-off mothers, for instance. Although the researchers controlled for socioeconomic status and other characteristics, it's possible that social and financial difficulties during childhood could play a role in adult emotional distress.

Charles Bauer, M.D., a professor of pediatrics, ob-gyn, and psychology at the University of Miami's Miller School of Medicine, says that conclusions about the role of maternal affection on a person's future mental health based on a single day of observation at eight months old are bound to be inexact.

"There are so many intervening variables between eight months and 34 years," Bauer says. "A whole cadre of factors might lead to a more stable environment, a more stable mental health picture, a more stable individual."

Copyright Health Magazine 2010

"Elmo Pee Pee"

07.26.2010

I told Rob today a funny little anecdote that happened last week with this little 1 ½ year old whose father I tutor in Lithuanian. We were done with our lesson and I was using their bathroom when, on the other side of the door, I could hear their little cutey-pie saying “pee-pee” over and over.

I chuckled to myself because I was convinced that she had heard me and was announcing to the world what exactly I was doing. But when I opened the door and she took one look at me and, holding tightly onto her Elmo doll, she pointed to the bathroom and said, “Uh-oh, pee-pee, pee-pee.” Judging by the look of sheer worry on her face, I realized that she had had an accident.

I called over her parents and when they came, her father kept reassuring her that everything was ok and her mom asked, “You wanted have a pee pee with Vejune?” She responded with “Elmo pee pee.” It was the funniest thing I’d heard in a while. Her concern for getting into trouble caused her try to pass off the pee-pee accident on Elmo! These are the moments that I love kids and love their reasoning. It’s all so honest…even if they do try to pass things off.

So now Rob and I have this inside joke. If we're out and about and one of us has to use the restroom instead of saying just that, we turn into an 2-year-old and say "Elmo pee pee." It's the funniest and dorkiest thing we've done yet. And we don't even have kids...boy I feel sorry for any children we have.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Choices Aren't Always Easy

07.20.2010

I was thinking today about this one family that I know whose daughter is over their house with her husband and little girl almost every weekend. Yesterday, the grandfather said to me that it’s so easy to forget how long it takes to dress a little kid and he wondered out loud how he and his wife had any time to do anything while raising their kids.

Sometimes I’m slow (uhh…I’m often slow) but his comment made me realize that my criticism of people who spend so much time with their families once their kid is born may have been harsh. Way harsh.

Everyone tells me that you want family around when you have kids because they’re a great help. But what I never realized is how that help works.

I look at this family’s daughter and she’s always tired, running after a little one, making sure she’s not breaking bones or putting something toxic into her mouth. Doing this by yourself and I’m mean totally and completely by yourself all day, every day, would drive any person bananas no matter how doting.

I can see that out of sheer necessity for sanity whoever is the stay-at-home parent needs to have help and who better than family? It was like a light bulb went off today. That’s not to say I still feel a tinge of being slighted by those people I once considered friends and who now never make time but let’s say I understand their plight a little better. Once a kid comes into your life, everything changes: the rules, the dynamic, and the relationships.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Do You Have $222,360?

06.11.2010

So if I needed any more ammunition to add to my worry about having a child, I open up my yahoo page to be faced with the following article: (Sigh….)

Cost of Raising a Child Ticks Up

by Sue Shellenbarger / Friday, June 11, 2010

Provided by the Wall Street Journal

A child born in 2009 will cost nearly a quarter of a million dollars, or about $222,360, to raise to maturity, up a little less than 1% from 2008, the Agriculture Department said Wednesday in its annual report on the average cost of raising a child. (The department runs the survey to help courts and state governments set child-support guidelines.) Expenses for child care, education and health care rose the most compared with 2008, while the cost of transportation for a child actually fell, the department said. Annual child-rearing expenses for the average middle-income, two-parent family range from $11,650 to $13,530, depending on the age of the child, the department says.

Child care accounts for 17% of the total spending, and education for 16% of the total. The cost of housing makes up nearly one-third of the total; this is gauged by the average cost of an additional bedroom. But the tally excludes any spending on kids over age 17, so it doesn't include one of the biggest and fastest-growing single financial outlays many parents make: the cost of sending your child through college. Higher-education costs aren't included, the department says.

Families in the Northeast have the highest costs, followed by cities in the West, then cities in the Midwest. Families in rural areas and in Southern cities have the lowest child-rearing costs.

For families with many kids, however, there is some good news: The more children you have, the less it costs to raise each one. These economics of scale deliver 22% savings per child for families with three or more children. That is because kids can share a bedroom, hand down clothing and toys to each other, and consume food purchased in bulk quantities, reducing costs. Also, private schools and child-care centers may offer sibling discounts. The data is compiled based on spending by 11,800 two-parent families and 3,350 single parents with at least one child under 18 living at home.

Based on previous reports by the department, the overall cost of raising a child rose 15% in inflation-adjusted dollars between 1960 and 2008. The increase has been driven largely by sharp increases in health-care, child-care and education costs, the department says. Interestingly, clothing and food costs have fallen, perhaps because of more efficient mass production of food and reduced costs of manufacturing clothing.

Readers, yesterday, the discussion turned to whether or not it's possible to raise a family on one salary. Does a report like this help in making that kind of decision or in planning your savings?[1]

Thursday, May 13, 2010

We All Have Multiple Personalities

05.11.2010

I had a dentist’s appointment today – thank goddess for Novocain – and as we were talking about some mutual people that we know, it hit me how we all have different faces that we show different people. It’s as if we by nature have multiple personalities subconsciously cherry-picking what side of ourselves we will show to whom.

This particular individual that the dentist and I were talking about isn’t someone I necessarily know well but I do know a family member very well. To my dentist, this said individual is a really nice person, courteous and business-oriented.

The background that I happen to know is that this particular person not only mistreats family members but is a bigot and a racist who happens to be raising children with these beliefs. Where do we draw the line – at least in our heads – that someone may be nice overall but is doing something so unforgivable?

I think it’s incorrigible to be raising children with such beliefs especially when espousing Christian dogma. I know that this happens in the world and for many years I prided myself in not knowing anyone like that but in recent years, I’ve been taught that isn’t the case. Actually, on second thought, that’s not true. Growing up in the Lithuanian community, I came across many racists. The Lithuanian community is not…the most progressive, to put it mildly.

How do you tell a child that such teachings are wrong when he/she will experience it or see it out on the playground? How do you tell a child that he/she needs to take the “higher ground” when so many children and their parents don’t? And how do you hope that your child sees the good when there’s so much bad?