Fear is Part of the Equation

12.28.2010

I’m trying to launch a project that requires me to work with Dreamweaver CS. It’s taking a tremendous amount of patience, as I’m not the most tech-oriented person – ah, hell, I’m not tech-oriented at all – so I must complete tasks one painful baby-step at a time.

Under normal and any other circumstances I have an enormous amount of patience. But a computer and I are like oil and vinegar and my nasty side comes out. Rob has commented that when I get angry at the computer, he skulks away to his room, shuts the door and hides until the storm blows over. Yes, I get ugly.

Thus, in preparation for this project and knowing this, uh, “flaw” of mine, I coached myself by saying that it was necessary for me to approach this uncharted territory positively, to acknowledge that I will come to forks in the road and I won’t know which way to go, and to accept that I will make mistakes and hit up against brick walls. All of this is OK and I need to trust in myself and not be afraid to ask for help but to, most importantly, understand that I’m not in a race and am working under no deadline.

I reminded myself of all of this, repeated it like a mantra and eventually realized that these same sentiments apply to parenthood. However, before I get to that (and just stay with me), I wanted to address that I keep waiting for that “click” to occur, the one where people say you wake up one morning and know it’s time (to have a kid). That hasn’t happened to me and, I think, what’s happening is I hide behind my fear. There are, of course, other factors, but I keep waiting and wondering and nothing’s happening.

Now, I put off for weeks starting my project because of fear and the fact that I was waiting for the “right” moment – for some divine inspiration to knock me over and bless me. But I don’t know if the divine is ignoring me or perhaps I’ve pissed it off but I didn’t get any signs so, I buckled down and started on my own.

Parenthood is uncharted territory and needs to be approached positively knowing that fear is part of the equation but not the answer. You will come to forks in the road and not know which way to go. Mistakes will occur and there’ll be moments where you feel like you’re hitting your head up against the wall. And you know what? That’s OK.

The journey of weaving a dream begins with the first baby-step. My road beckons…

Not So Clueless Behavior

12.06.2010

The universe must’ve read my yesterday’s posting because today I was having dinner at a food court when I heard a child crying uncontrollably while in the midst of a complete and utter meltdown. Like, the throw-himself-down-on-the-ground-kind of meltdown.

I took one look at the mom who seemed totally overwhelmed and my heart went out to her. After taking a moment to probably gather her strength, she lifted him off the ground, still screaming (though not kicking), and headed out of the food court. As hard as I know that was for her, I wanted to thank her because I knew once she was gone, we’d have quiet but she wouldn’t.

This reminded me of hearing stories from my mom and how she dealt with my sister’s screaming for the first 5 years of her life. I have a vague recollection of my sister’s constant crying but I do have a good recollection of our neighbor with a deep voice being the only one capable of calming her down. He spent many a night at our house while my mom was studying for her Master’s exams. My mom often retells the moments of how well she understood being pushed to the fringes of insanity by a crying child and would often walk away from her, go to the bathroom, cling to the sink and count for as long as it took her to calm down. She says that if she hadn’t done that she would’ve been arrested for child abuse.

I sometimes wonder how I’d be able to handle a child like that. Rob and I are pretty low key; I tend to have a lot of patience and it takes a lot to push me. But if I had a child that constantly cried and deprived me of sleep and sanity, then, well, I’m not quite sure what the outcome would be. I understand everything in phases…but…I don’t know…I’d be taking a lot of midnight walks and probably, like my mom, know how to count really, really, really well.