A Bittersweet Reinvention

12.22.2010

I’ve been slowly getting ready for our traditional Lithuanian Christmas Eve dinner which, a couple of weeks ago, I was debating on whether or not I even wanted to do. It’s a lot of preparation. Growing up, we’d all be assigned different tasks in order to make the dinner but, now, it’s all on my shoulders.

I decided to do it because it’s the only thing I have left connected to my childhood. Not having any family in the States anymore (other than my sister but I’m the older one…) so it’s kind of up to me to follow through on any traditions. But what’s sad is that those traditions, as they stand now, are hanging by a thread. I’m having a rough time with this. When you’re a kid, the adults figure it out for you.

My mom, sister and I would always go to Chicago for Christmas. Very rarely would we not, so by Thanksgiving, there was a trip in the next month for which to plan. I looked forward to the travel and to the prospect of having an actual white Christmas. I’d see my extended family, get to eat my grandmother’s pancakes, and stay up late. It’s been many years since this and I’ve been floundering. At least for a while my mom was still in the States and we’d go to Lithuania for Christmas or my grandmother would fly out here. Things were different but we could at least pretend that there was some sort of “normalcy” to how they were before. But then that stopped and I haven’t been able to figure out what’s going to happen. Every year this time comes around and I have no idea what to expect. Honestly, I don’t know why I really care because Christmas is a fabrication of the Church to stamp out paganism, but, whatever the reason, it still makes me sad that there isn’t a definite plan that I know of ahead of time.

Part of me tells myself that things would change if kids were in the picture. I think parents want to create a similar experience for their kids and so family traditions, rituals, etc are created or brought back. And I’m OK with creating our own new traditions and rituals but this makes me feel scared. It’s one more example of getting older, of life moving forward and a separation from my past. This space that I’m in right now, and have been for a while, puts me in limbo and the unknown is always scary. I don’t know when I’ll next have a Christmas with my mom and my grandmother, if at all, and so I’m left to reinvent this holiday for myself and my (new) family. As much potential as this might present, it’s bittersweet. But in life, I guess, that’s nothing new.

Hypocrisy at Its Best

09.07.2010

I don’t think I’ve made it a secret how I feel about organized religion; however, I respect a person who believes and follows through on their beliefs. I don’t necessarily want those beliefs forced down my throat but if you say you follow a doctrine and go to mass every week and participate in activities, e.g., then I can see you’re a devout follower. What irks me is those people who say one thing and do the other.

There are people that I know of who are not religious by any means yet carried out a specific religious ceremony like a wedding, a baptism or communion in order to please family, friends, or a community. I don’t understand this.

Some years back, there were a bunch of women I knew of who were getting married and held their ceremony in a church but the last time they stepped foot in any church was at the age of 16. The only reason they were getting married in the church was because of their guests or their parents insisted that a priest marry them. Or, as in once case, a rabbi marry them. (It’s like having a shotgun marriage because, somehow, no one’s gonna figure out that a baby is born 6 months later. If we pretend something is one way then it must be true, right?)

This doesn’t make sense to me. I got lectured for not getting married in a church – especially the Lithuanian church. Now, in this same church, I see people going through various ceremonies from baptisms to communions to confirmations without ever stepping foot inside prior to that ritual. But you look at the pictures from these events and everyone’s standing at the altar proud as proud can be and…I just don’t get it. What is the purpose of going through a ritual if you don’t believe in it? I think it cheapens the whole experience and it cheapens the process for anyone who truly believes in the rite of passage that these rituals hold. And not to mention the negative subtext of the lesson a child learns from this experience. It's one thing to turn a new leaf but it's another to pretend to be a part of a community that never meant anything before and won't after.

Happier Families = Happier Kids

07.23.2010

The same Psychology Today magazine I was referring to the other day has an article in it about families and happiness. Being an issue near and dear to my heart, I, of course, read it. Here’s a summary with my notes:[1]

1) "Communicate Well and Often" – the best part was reading about a family where the parents encouraged their children to work out their differences without parental influence. I think this is an excellent idea because not only does it teach the children a way to problem solve on their own but it achieves two greater goals. One, each child has to figure out what is their best communication strategy and second, the issue of parental favoritism gets squashed to a minimum.

2) "Build Rituals" – the worst part of “ritual” is that it’s predictable. But the best part is that it’s dependable. Each person in the family knows what he/she is responsible for and it helps to run a tight ship. It also teaches team-building and that in order to have a successful dinner, party, or just a successful day with as little mishap as possible, it’s necessary that each person play a part.

3) "Stay Flexible" – as important as the ritual may be, it’s equally important to participate in the magic of spontaneity. When you plan something and it goes accordingly, there’s always a sense of accomplishment. But when you turn from the usual road you travel on you open yourself up to the possibility of some amazing memories.

4) "Have Fun and Reach Out Together" – do things together as a family even if that means dragging out a teenager who’d rather stay locked up in his/her room. Spending time together outside of the normal environment allows for kids to see their parents in a different light and vice versa.

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[1] Rosenberg, Amy Psychology Today, August 2010, pp. 62-69.