Sex and The City 2 and the Neighbors

06.16.2010

There are moments in life where the spirit moves you. Literally.

Back to Sex and the City 2 for a moment and an issue that really hit home that, for whatever reason (probably wanting to hide from myself), I didn’t want to admit bugged me as much as it did. If you read my “Unexpected Detours” entry, you know that I don’t do well with emotions.

The characters of Carrie and Big don’t want children. They remind each other throughout the movie that it’s just the two of them and, at the beginning of the movie, they tell a couple at a wedding about how, despite loving children, having them just isn’t who they are as a couple.

There’s definitely a part of me that gets that. And scarily so. But as the movie progressed and showed their daily schedule of ordering in or going out to their favorite restaurants, or Big settling on the couch for the evening and she settling in next to him…it got me thinking. Their home had amazing décor that will never have drawings in crayon on them. And that’s OK. They have the luxury of going out whenever and for however long they want. And that’s fine too (and something I thoroughly enjoy doing with my husband). But, I got a sense from these scenes that there was very much something missing.

During the scene where Carrie gives Big an engraved watch for their anniversary, I felt a sadness come over me. The engraving was about how it was just going to be the two of them for the rest of their lives. And as happy as that seemed to make them I suddenly realized that if one of them died, that’s it. The memories they’ve created together would continuously remain in her or his memory bank. Alone.

Well, being the great emotional pusher-asider that I am, I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. Until today.

I have lived in the same building for 27 years. If I’m still here in 3 years, I can celebrate 30 years; not a milestone I really want to achieve. (Perhaps I’ll blog about the reasons someday.) As you can imagine, living in a place for this long, you get to know your neighbors. Many people with whom I grew up still live in the building including the neighbors with whom we share a patio fence.

These particular neighbors and my family were never close but they are very much a part of my childhood. They would keep to themselves and even their kids were recluses and the mother kind of scared me. I think there was a lot of pain behind her eyes and her gruff behavior but, as a kid, you just know what scares you.

I noticed a few months ago that it had been at least a year ½ that I last saw the mother and I got confirmation today that she passed away about a year ago. The first thought that came to my mind was the anniversary watch scene from Sex and the City 2. Even though my neighbors aren’t necessarily the friendliest and kept to themselves, they were a family of 4 with their own rituals, traditions, and memories.

I have noticed that the son comes over at least 2-3 times a week to be with his dad who, I have to say, hasn’t been looking well himself lately. But…what he has is a son (and daughter) and shared memories to help with the pain of having lost his partner.

The idea of having a/n (adult) child to hold on to in times of trouble, in times of loneliness if, God forbid, you lose your partner…it’s the common bond that ties you. And, strangely, in this context, having a child doesn’t scare me as much as living a life alone without the love of my life were I to ever lose him.

Didn't I Just Wake Up?

06.15.2010

Today was one of those days where I woke up and the next thing I know it was 3 pm. Why is it as we get older, time slips by faster than when you’re younger? It’s not fair.

It was also one of those days where I found it difficult to get motivated. I’ve been having a lot of those days and, I suspect, it mainly has to do with the fact that I’ve been eating like crap lately. You truly are what you eat and it affects your mood, your brain function, sleep patters, etc.

It’s definitely during these moments, these kinds of days and weeks, I feel like a child would be getting mixed messages from me which would, of course, mess them up. I talk about how important health is to me but I’ve completely fallen off the wagon of a consistent exercise schedule or planning my meals which is one of the key ingredients to losing weight (something that hasn’t happened for me in months).

I guess I should remind myself that though the mixed messages might be doing some damage, the larger picture is teaching the child that fluctuations in schedule occur constantly and the best that you can is the best that you can do. I try to exercise when I can…so I guess that’s a lesson in itself. I might be out of balance on some things…but I’m working on it. And that’s what a kid needs to learn: To not stop trying.

Sex and the City 2

06.14.2010

Sometimes we find a connection to things in the least expected places and at the least expected times. For reasons I won’t go into, my sister and I had the luck of having the afternoon free so we decided to grab the bull by the horns and finally go see the movie Sex and the City 2.

Now, I never watched the show when it was on TV. In fact, I loathed hearing about it and the only reason I saw the first movie is because my mother-in-law invited me and since we occasionally are movie buddies, I figured I didn’t want to turn down an opportunity to go see a movie with her. Plus, I saw it while my sister was in Korea for a year and I decided that in honor of her, a devout follower of the show, I would go see it. I ended up really liking the movie and since then will catch an episode here and there on cable and I begrudgingly have to admit that it’s a fun show.

Anyway, there’s a part in Sex and the City 2 where the characters Miranda and Charlotte are sitting at a bar and talking mom to mom. Miranda tells Charlotte to open up about motherhood and Charlotte, staying true to form, wouldn’t admit that anything was wrong. Then Miranda uttered words I never thought I would ever hear another woman say (other than maybe me):

“I love Bradley [her son]. Don’t get me wrong, I love him. But I miss my job. Being a mom is not enough.”

I actually started to well up at this part because for the first time, I didn’t feel alone.

Biology vs. Ideology

06.13.2010

I saw a friend’s posting recently of her and her kids and their family. The photos included your typical family vacation, family outings, family with friends, etc. But there was one particular photo that caught my attention. It was, like I said, your typical picture of mom with her kids and a friend with the her own kid, but they were all hanging out on the carpet of someone’s house. As the kids crawled around and the mom’s looked at the camera, I got such a sense of contentment from the photo. Not contentment on my side but just that the people in the photo looked really happy to be where they were doing what they were doing.

I found myself jealous. I found myself jealous because they seemed so happy with their decision…so happy to have friends and family with children around them. I have so many memories like that growing up and, when our time comes to end our journey in this lifetime, it’s not the days we had at our jobs that we’ll remember or how much money’s in our bank account. Not that I speak from experience, cause I haven’t knocked on death’s door, but I’m imagining that one would remember the moments that are more meaningful than remembering the sum total of your bank account. But what do I know? My point is, I found myself wishing that I had those meaningful memories to be able to pass on down to my own children and, almost instantaneously, a heaviness came over me. I can’t reconcile what is obviously innate with my ideological thoughts. And I’m just continuing to meditate on these thoughts because I am desperate for a sign to point me in the right direction. People say, “You’ll know one day. You’ll wake up and you’ll know.” But no one EVER told me that I would have this fierce internal struggle between what is biological and what is ideological. Figures this would happen to me.

Unhealthy Toxins in Your Home

06.12.2010

I have wanted to write about this topic for a while but I had to do a bit of research to compile my data. I found out about something called “VOC” some years back and I feel this is a good forum to write about it.

VOC stands for “volatile organic compound” and it “refers to organic chemical compounds which have significant vapor pressures and which can affect the environment and human health. VOCs are numerous, varied and ubiquitous. Although VOCs include both man-made and naturally occurring chemical compounds, it is the anthropogenic VOCs that are regulated, especially for indoors where concentrations can be highest. VOCs are typically not acutely toxic but have chronic affects.”[1]

I discovered that paint has an enormous amount of toxins and the affects of inhaling these toxins are horrendous. The air inside our homes is more polluted that the outdoor air (according to the EPA) and is considered to be one of the top 5 hazards to human health.[2]

One of the biggest toxic agents in paint is “ethylene glycol.” This is “a solvent used in latex paints [and] is listed as a hazardous substance and a toxic air contaminant under many federal and state regulations. A clear, colorless, odorless liquid, ethylene glycol and its vapor can be toxic to humans. Exposure may cause irritation to the skin, eyes, nose, throat and lungs, and allergic reactions are possible. Overexposure could lead to nausea, vomiting, drowsiness, coma, and respiratory failure. Repeated overexposure can permanently damage the kidneys. Among major latex paint brand, the full line of Dunn-Edwards paints is ethylene glycol-free.”[3]

See my second footnote to link to a site that includes a list of alternative paint companies that you can buy from that have low VOCs in their product or none at all. Last year, I bought paint made by The Fresh Air Choice (no VOCs) at Home Depot and am very pleased with the product. The only downside is that it is more expensive and you can only purchase the paint in gallons (at least as of spring ’09). I was a bit peeved at this cause I only needed a little bit of paint for my kitchen but the desire to try out the paint AND have low-VOCs in an area where I’m constantly cooking ended up overshadowing the price. And I’ve gotten several comments on the color (it’s a pale yellow) and how it looks.

I know the higher price is a deterrent for most people but take into consideration the long-term affects of inhaling toxins. You can spend a little more money now but know that you’re limiting the toxins you bring into your home or you can spend that money later when you’re older on medical care. I think especially where little kids are concerned (and if you’re getting a nursery ready, take heed!) you’d want to start them right as much as possible.

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[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volatile_organic_compound

[2] http://www.eartheasy.com/live_nontoxic_paints.htm

[3] http://www.eartheasy.com/live_nontoxic_paints.htm

Do You Have $222,360?

06.11.2010

So if I needed any more ammunition to add to my worry about having a child, I open up my yahoo page to be faced with the following article: (Sigh….)

Cost of Raising a Child Ticks Up

by Sue Shellenbarger / Friday, June 11, 2010

Provided by the Wall Street Journal

A child born in 2009 will cost nearly a quarter of a million dollars, or about $222,360, to raise to maturity, up a little less than 1% from 2008, the Agriculture Department said Wednesday in its annual report on the average cost of raising a child. (The department runs the survey to help courts and state governments set child-support guidelines.) Expenses for child care, education and health care rose the most compared with 2008, while the cost of transportation for a child actually fell, the department said. Annual child-rearing expenses for the average middle-income, two-parent family range from $11,650 to $13,530, depending on the age of the child, the department says.

Child care accounts for 17% of the total spending, and education for 16% of the total. The cost of housing makes up nearly one-third of the total; this is gauged by the average cost of an additional bedroom. But the tally excludes any spending on kids over age 17, so it doesn't include one of the biggest and fastest-growing single financial outlays many parents make: the cost of sending your child through college. Higher-education costs aren't included, the department says.

Families in the Northeast have the highest costs, followed by cities in the West, then cities in the Midwest. Families in rural areas and in Southern cities have the lowest child-rearing costs.

For families with many kids, however, there is some good news: The more children you have, the less it costs to raise each one. These economics of scale deliver 22% savings per child for families with three or more children. That is because kids can share a bedroom, hand down clothing and toys to each other, and consume food purchased in bulk quantities, reducing costs. Also, private schools and child-care centers may offer sibling discounts. The data is compiled based on spending by 11,800 two-parent families and 3,350 single parents with at least one child under 18 living at home.

Based on previous reports by the department, the overall cost of raising a child rose 15% in inflation-adjusted dollars between 1960 and 2008. The increase has been driven largely by sharp increases in health-care, child-care and education costs, the department says. Interestingly, clothing and food costs have fallen, perhaps because of more efficient mass production of food and reduced costs of manufacturing clothing.

Readers, yesterday, the discussion turned to whether or not it's possible to raise a family on one salary. Does a report like this help in making that kind of decision or in planning your savings?[1]

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[1] http://finance.yahoo.com/family-home/article/109765/cost-of-raising-a-child-ticks-up?mod=family-kids_parents

Leaving Children in a Car

06.10.2010

While waiting for my sister at the doctor’s office the other day, I sat staring at the magazine choices and debated whether to read about the new “100 NEW ways to orgasm” on the latest Cosmo magazine (I swear they recycle their headlines) or pick up a Parenting magazine (June 2010). Since I’m not blogging about orgasms (though that would probably get me noticed), I decided that it was probably best to pick up the Parenting magazine so as to have a blog topic.

I read an article about a phenomenon that’s occurring at a rapid rate of parents accidentally leaving their children in their cars and, as a result, killing them.

I, like most I’m sure, immediately jumped to conclusions making all kinds of judgments about the parent (usually a mom) and how unfit she was. But the more I read about the circumstances under which such devastating situations occur, a real fear began to grow within me. A fear stemming from the fact that I recognized the stress that a mother was under and the fact that I could so easily see myself falling into the same trap.

The journalist in the article wrote about how most of these children’s deaths occurred because the parent in charge at the time had a random change in routine at the last minute and, as a result, had no visual cues in the car to help her recognize that her child was in the car. Even scarier, is that the article discussed the very real difference between our brains’ short-term memory and long-term memory. In each situation that the journalist looked at, the mother was under enormous stress and the sudden change in routine created an imbalance in the memory department even creating a false memory of the normal routine took place.

For example, one mother, normally took both of her children to day care together never taking them separately – even if one child was sick in which case both children stayed home. But one morning, she and her husband decided that he would be the one to stay home from work and that she would take the healthy child to day care. Stressed about her work and the amount of time she had to take off of work because of the other child’s illness coupled with the fact that her child in the car fell asleep and so she had no audio cues that he was in the car, she completely forgot to take her child to day care. She went through a day’s work and, at the end of the day, drove to the day care center to pick up her child upon where she was told that he was never brought in. At this point she realized he was in the car the entire day and ran to her car only to find his limp body.

Apparently it only takes 15 minutes for a child’s temperature to reach deadly degrees and kill him/her. Children have died when it’s only in the 50s outside. The fact is, the car heats up faster and hotter than outside. And cracking a window open does little to help. Bottom line: it’s just not safe to leave a child in the car.

And this could totally happen to me. My mind is constantly all over the place and if I’m going down a street on my way to Place B but it’s a route I usually take to Place A, I have found myself headed toward Place A while meaning to go to Place B. It’s habit and my body works on auto-pilot. And reading such a story as in Parenting magazine scares me because it’s a very real situation that could happen to me.

One of the solutions that I found helpful is to keep a stuffed doll/animal, etc. in the child’s seat and place it in the front seat with you whenever the child is in the car. This would serve as a visual reminder that your kid is in the car with you. Another suggestion is to always put your things (purse, briefcase, etc.) in the backseat so that regardless of where you’re going you always have to open the back door to get your stuff. A third suggestion I really liked was to put the child’s seat behind the passenger seat so you can see it in your rear-view mirror. You can also buy bell-like equipment that go off when you leave your kid in the car, but they’re kinda expensive. I like the previous suggestions better.