06.28.2010
People come and go in our lives…we all know that. As we grow and experience the world through one set of eyes others are witnessing it through a different set. Sometimes the two are compatible for a long time and sometimes not.
I’ve had my share of painful “break-ups” with friends; four in fact. Three of them were by my choice and if I had to do it all over again, including the “break up,” I would. The fourth that fell apart still slightly remains a mystery to me; however, if push came to shove, I’d probably be able to cough up what happened and, after 15 years, I can very much admit to what I did wrong. In fact, this person and I have seen each other a few times over the years but it wasn't until just recently, after a thoroughly pleasant conversation, a great calm came over me. I feel I (we) had closure even though we didn't talk about what happened.
Anyway, back to the point of today's posting.
What is difficult to go through, I think, is when you see someone close to you change, almost overnight, because she had a child. I had to endure friendships where my girlfriend(s) held it over my head that I was the single one and who would remind me that I just couldn’t understand what it was like (to be in a relationship). I kind of always found that to be funny because it was as if I was a demanding friend but, if anything, I was the one who actually withdrew because I didn’t want to bother them and their time with their guy. And now, over the years, some "friends" have held it over my head that I’m not part of the special “baby club.”
I abhor this.
I know that my set of responsibilities is different from parents. I know that my daily routine is different from parents. I know that my concerns are different from parents. But I’m still me and…I thought the friend was still, well, a friend.
I once had to go through this with someone with whom I was a friend since childhood. Granted, our friendship was…an "interesting" one and one that warranted a few therapy sessions over the years. In fact, my relationship with her was very similar to the kind of relationship I had (have?) with my mom. So the baby thing was just one added layer to an ocean-filled list of issues between us.
So now as I get older and more people are having children, I hear more of this exclusivity going around; a kind of “I’m-better-than-you” attitude. To me, this is a way of using children for the sake of some makeshift competition between (insecure) adults. For some, as a toddler, it’s all about who’s got the coolest toys in the sandbox. For some, as a young child, it’s all about who’s got the coolest toys in the backpack. For some, as a teen, it’s about who’s listening to the coolest music (or who has the latest gadgets/video games, etc.). Then that transfers to the coolest college or job or car. I guess the next logical step is that it becomes about who’s got the coolest life with the 2-car garage, 2.35 kids, dog and white picket fence.
I may have once been all about the coolest gadgets, toys and music, but I have no interest in playing the “coolest life” game because, well, those rules seem too boring. I’d like to play a game where people get to be themselves without any pretenses, maybe sing a song or two and, at the end of the day, be happy that they got to see yet another sunset. We only get one shot in this lifetime…why waste it on pretending to be something you're not?
