Who Pays for Baby?

01.11.2011

In the LA Times Business Section last month, there was an interesting article about who pays for having a baby. Apparently, Californians who have to buy private insurance find maternity benefits to be scarce and expensive. Here are some highlights that I found striking throughout the article:

- The average cost to deliver a baby has reached nearly $13,000. With maternity insurance, the bill can be as low as $250.

- 81% of women who buy their own policies, don’t get maternity benefits because it’s too expensive.

- Pregnancy itself is a problem for health companies. Many consider it to be a pre-existing condition; therefore, you won't get covered if applying for coverage after becoming pregnant. (This is my favorite.)

- Blue Shield and Anthem Blue Cross are the only private insurance companies to offer maternity benefits but at an astronomical cost.

What’s fascinating to me is that so many people encourage healthcare privatization (especially with universal healthcare in our midst) – and yet, to have a baby with private insurance could bankrupt you. How is this logical?

Our society presses for couples to have a baby but will create ways to not help you.

Our society presses for couples to have a baby but will find ways to charge you for one.

Our society presses for couples to have a baby but will limit your options.

I’m not saying it should be free or that the government should pay for you to have a baby. Of course that’s not what I’m saying. You make the decision to have a baby, you should pay for it. BUT, it should not be considered a pre-existing condition, you should not be limited to just two insurance companies who are looking to rape you with costs, and something is definitely wrong when there’s a $12,750 difference between a couple having a baby that is insured and one who is not.

Being Encouraged to Have Children

07.15.2010

Today, I was strongly encouraged by someone to have children because, according to this person, the gene pool is filled with more people who are continuously breeding and they shouldn’t based on lack of finances, emotional stability and/or lack of preparedness.

This adds to my frustration because for every sensible couple who has 1-2 kids, you have a hundred, let’s say, who have 4-5 kids per person. I'm flattered that I'm considered to be on the "sensible" side but I hate feeling such pressure and responsibility.

What Good is Guilt Really?

07.10.2010

Today I couldn’t help but feel guilty. Call it the Catholic upbringing and schooling where you’re taught to feel guilty about every move you make, but whatever it is or was, I felt it. I look around at people who have kids and I love that they’re so happy. I love to watch parents play with their kids. I love to watch a dad hold a baby in his arms as he “discusses” some topic with him/her. I love to see a little child’s day be made with just the simplest act like getting to press an elevator button. Believe it or not, these kinds of things make me very happy.

In the passed two days, I’ve been able to balance working and writing perfectly. And because this doesn’t come second nature to me, I had to work at making that happen. I got a solid 2 hours of work done today and made some personal breakthroughs that make me feel incredibly good. So where does this guilt come in?

I’m happy to not have a kid and I feel guilty for feeling that and I feel doubly guilty for not feeling the pull to have one. That’s not to say I never feel it; I’d be lying. But when I look at the families and I look at the photos, I feel like there’s something really wrong with me for not making that my #1 priority. I know plenty of women my age who are already going to fertility doctors because all they want is a child. I know I’ve been harsh on these kinds of women, and I’ve softened (a bit) because it’s not fair to judge someone else’s journey. But given what society preaches and given what I see around me, I just feel abnormal that I am not doing everything in my power at this stage in life to have a child. After 4 days of bad or failed attempts to write, I’m so much more content to have 1 day where I break through the bricks. With a child around, would I have the energy or the stamina to keep chipping away at my own insecurities and challenges?

"My Life is Better Than Yours"

06.28.2010

People come and go in our lives…we all know that. As we grow and experience the world through one set of eyes others are witnessing it through a different set. Sometimes the two are compatible for a long time and sometimes not.

I’ve had my share of painful “break-ups” with friends; four in fact. Three of them were by my choice and if I had to do it all over again, including the “break up,” I would. The fourth that fell apart still slightly remains a mystery to me; however, if push came to shove, I’d probably be able to cough up what happened and, after 15 years, I can very much admit to what I did wrong. In fact, this person and I have seen each other a few times over the years but it wasn't until just recently, after a thoroughly pleasant conversation, a great calm came over me. I feel I (we) had closure even though we didn't talk about what happened.

Anyway, back to the point of today's posting.

What is difficult to go through, I think, is when you see someone close to you change, almost overnight, because she had a child. I had to endure friendships where my girlfriend(s) held it over my head that I was the single one and who would remind me that I just couldn’t understand what it was like (to be in a relationship). I kind of always found that to be funny because it was as if I was a demanding friend but, if anything, I was the one who actually withdrew because I didn’t want to bother them and their time with their guy. And now, over the years, some "friends" have held it over my head that I’m not part of the special “baby club.”

I abhor this.

I know that my set of responsibilities is different from parents. I know that my daily routine is different from parents. I know that my concerns are different from parents. But I’m still me and…I thought the friend was still, well, a friend.

I once had to go through this with someone with whom I was a friend since childhood. Granted, our friendship was…an "interesting" one and one that warranted a few therapy sessions over the years. In fact, my relationship with her was very similar to the kind of relationship I had (have?) with my mom. So the baby thing was just one added layer to an ocean-filled list of issues between us.

So now as I get older and more people are having children, I hear more of this exclusivity going around; a kind of “I’m-better-than-you” attitude. To me, this is a way of using children for the sake of some makeshift competition between (insecure) adults. For some, as a toddler, it’s all about who’s got the coolest toys in the sandbox. For some, as a young child, it’s all about who’s got the coolest toys in the backpack. For some, as a teen, it’s about who’s listening to the coolest music (or who has the latest gadgets/video games, etc.). Then that transfers to the coolest college or job or car. I guess the next logical step is that it becomes about who’s got the coolest life with the 2-car garage, 2.35 kids, dog and white picket fence.

I may have once been all about the coolest gadgets, toys and music, but I have no interest in playing the “coolest life” game because, well, those rules seem too boring. I’d like to play a game where people get to be themselves without any pretenses, maybe sing a song or two and, at the end of the day, be happy that they got to see yet another sunset. We only get one shot in this lifetime…why waste it on pretending to be something you're not?