06.28.2010
People come and go in our lives…we all know that. As we grow and experience the world through one set of eyes others are witnessing it through a different set. Sometimes the two are compatible for a long time and sometimes not.
I’ve had my share of painful “break-ups” with friends; four in fact. Three of them were by my choice and if I had to do it all over again, including the “break up,” I would. The fourth that fell apart still slightly remains a mystery to me; however, if push came to shove, I’d probably be able to cough up what happened and, after 15 years, I can very much admit to what I did wrong. In fact, this person and I have seen each other a few times over the years but it wasn't until just recently, after a thoroughly pleasant conversation, a great calm came over me. I feel I (we) had closure even though we didn't talk about what happened.
Anyway, back to the point of today's posting.
What is difficult to go through, I think, is when you see someone close to you change, almost overnight, because she had a child. I had to endure friendships where my girlfriend(s) held it over my head that I was the single one and who would remind me that I just couldn’t understand what it was like (to be in a relationship). I kind of always found that to be funny because it was as if I was a demanding friend but, if anything, I was the one who actually withdrew because I didn’t want to bother them and their time with their guy. And now, over the years, some "friends" have held it over my head that I’m not part of the special “baby club.”
I abhor this.
I know that my set of responsibilities is different from parents. I know that my daily routine is different from parents. I know that my concerns are different from parents. But I’m still me and…I thought the friend was still, well, a friend.
I once had to go through this with someone with whom I was a friend since childhood. Granted, our friendship was…an "interesting" one and one that warranted a few therapy sessions over the years. In fact, my relationship with her was very similar to the kind of relationship I had (have?) with my mom. So the baby thing was just one added layer to an ocean-filled list of issues between us.
So now as I get older and more people are having children, I hear more of this exclusivity going around; a kind of “I’m-better-than-you” attitude. To me, this is a way of using children for the sake of some makeshift competition between (insecure) adults. For some, as a toddler, it’s all about who’s got the coolest toys in the sandbox. For some, as a young child, it’s all about who’s got the coolest toys in the backpack. For some, as a teen, it’s about who’s listening to the coolest music (or who has the latest gadgets/video games, etc.). Then that transfers to the coolest college or job or car. I guess the next logical step is that it becomes about who’s got the coolest life with the 2-car garage, 2.35 kids, dog and white picket fence.
I may have once been all about the coolest gadgets, toys and music, but I have no interest in playing the “coolest life” game because, well, those rules seem too boring. I’d like to play a game where people get to be themselves without any pretenses, maybe sing a song or two and, at the end of the day, be happy that they got to see yet another sunset. We only get one shot in this lifetime…why waste it on pretending to be something you're not?
I'd like to offer a different perspective here. I'm a mom. I have friends who don't have kids. I've never excluded them from my life because they didn't have kids. Nor have I ever felt it was a competition to have more kids than them or better kids than them. But for me, the friendships did change. Not in the way that we're not friends anymore because I keep in touch with pretty much all of them and love them to death. But my life shifted when I had a child.
ReplyDeleteI certainly don't want to be "that" person that you've spoken of...the one that says "You can't understand until you've gone through it." But I will say, I don't think my childless friends understood the change. I don't think they understood how it changed my availability. For instance, going out for a drink after work requires planning now. I can't accept most last minute invitations, which is a way alot of my childless friends operate. And so when they call last minute, instead of explaining the whole production of not being able to do last minute things or trying to find a sitter, I decline the invitation. Not because I don't want to be there, because trust me...the spontaneous me would love to go out for a drink but my life IS different now. The days of last minute plans are over for me, but not for them. And I can't expect them to change the way they operate for me.
You've also spoken about how women have babies and it's all they talk about. So yeah...there's that whole thing of feeling like with my childless friends, I'm not at ease to talk about my child, who pretty much consumes EVERY single thing I do. And I've been there, with my friends and the blank stare I get when telling a story about Ava isn't because they don't like kids, or aren't interested...it's that they really don't have a personal interest in the situation. I'm totally okay with that but it is a HUGE part of my life.
I hang out with 2 girls pretty consistently. One has a child Ava's age and the other is childless, by choice. We are all usually together every weekend. And the one with a kid can deal with the nonstop chatter of two 3 year-olds, the squabbles, the tears, the interrupted conversations to kiss boo-boo's and mend fences, the 30 minute break I have to take to put Ava to bed. The other...not so much. She gets frustrated at the interruptions and often leaves while I'm putting Ava to bed. And she is my best friend. It always feels like I'm inconveniencing her somehow by having a child. And I KNOW not all childless women are like this. I guess the perspective I'm trying to offer is that, often, being a mother with childless friends is hard too.
I haven't lost myself or my identity through having a child. I feel like I still like the same things and I'm still pretty much the same person, it's just that the "common ground" has changed a little. My routine isn't as flexible and my free time is less free and more scheduled.
Sorry for the long-ass comment. I always love reading your perspective and I hope you're not offended at me offering mine. ;)
not offended at all! and what you've described is totally normal and i get the shift (as much as i can). in fact, i've been with parents who are constantly apologizing to me because we can't have a conversation without interruptions. i'm probably unique in this, but i actually find the constant apologies more annoying. i used to be a nanny in college and later a teacher and i am well aware that you can't have a "normal" conversation when there are kids around. and for some reason, some parents won't accept that i understand that.
ReplyDeletemost parents describe what you've talked about as far as going out with friends and planning. but want to know a funny thing? there is a person we know who, for some reason, is averse to scheduling things ahead of time and insists on scheduling things last minute because "who knows what the day will bring when it comes to the kid." rob and i operate under a very tight social calendar and usually need many weeks notice to do something (because we're so important and all). ;) so when this person calls to "hang out" it's consistently at the last minute and usually after 8:30 pm when the kid's gone to bed and we have to decline because we're doing something else or we're tucked in for the night ourselves. there have been countless arguments about this! and we're not the one with the kid!!
thanks for offering perspective from the other side. i can see how it could get frustrating from a parent's side if a childless friend puts up a wall. and i'm sure it's not easy and can be painful. i think these things have to play themselves out. in my case, there was a very obvious wall that went up from the other side the moment a child came into the picture. it's like an automatic assumption was made that since i don't have a kid there's no chance that i would be willing to be a part of their life. similar situations happened when my friends started getting married over 10 yrs ago. one "friend" literally dropped her entire circle of friends the moment she got married because she was a "mrs." and none of us could understand what the "demands" were of a wife. it's this pretentiousness i can't stand. but i think that even though the common ground that you speak of may have changed, it's important for both parties to remember the parts of the common ground that are common. (does that even make sense? i feel like i just spoke in circles.)