Teen Emancipation

02.25.2011

At the check-out stand today, I noticed one of those tabloid magazines splashing the story about Miley Cyrus’s feud with her dad. I vaguely remember seeing something about it on Yahoo! but I don’t know the details nor do I care. However, based on the tabloid’s headline, I gathered that rumor has it that she has cut off her dad and the two are now not speaking. He’s apparently upset by all her partying and blames Hollywood for her out-of-control behavior. Frankly, I could write just on how it’s not Hollywood’s fault but I’ll leave that to the certified psychologists.

What this piece of valuable information about Miley Cyrus gave me, though, is thoughts about how teens behave and how we treat them. Are they rambunctious solely because it’s the hormones or are they like that solely because parents didn’t properly discipline at a young age? It’s like asking whether the chicken or the egg came first, I think, and I guess if forced to construct an opinion, I’d say that both nature and nurture are at play. Although, I’d probably err on the side of nurture more because if you instill proper discipline at a young age, teens will quickly learn what’s acceptable and what isn’t.

But my point is that I began to think about why our society designates “18” as an adult. Why that particular age? At one point in history, girls were married by the time they were 16 with at least one child. This would mean that they were already carrying what we today consider to be adult responsibilities. I know that with advances in education, borne out of the abolishment of child labor in America (if kids weren’t going to work anymore they had to go somewhere), the notion of what a child means to a family and what he/she can accomplish has changed. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But I just think that we sort of act surprised when teens want to emancipate themselves from their families and I wonder how much of that is actually hard-wired.

The Heart of Mushy Cereal is Love

02.22.2011

I baby-sat today and after about a 12-year gap of taking care of a toddler, there are many things I forgot about. For example, bibs are an excellent invention and breakfast isn’t a 15-minute affair. In fact, it’s not a 30-minute affair or a 45 or 60-minute one. Also each action is a reaction to a negotiation and why more mothers aren’t hired as lawyers, contract arbitrators or political negotiators is beyond me.

I was also reminded that a “quick” walk down the block would be more than 15-minutes. And I learned that convincing a two-year old that traipsing through a bed of flowers takes more skill than solving a computer problem. Or that convincing said two-year old that chewing on miniscule dinosaur toys isn’t good for you could instantly become more challenging than any statistical math problem ever presented. Both involve logic, right? You’d think.

There are other things I forgot about in this 12-year absence such as the magic of tiny hands offering a hug or the stretching out of one of those tiny, chubby hands to share a now mushy piece of cereal that at one point was in the mouth but is now intended to be consumed by me. I also forgot how sacred the trust is that we are all born with and lose along the way. I also didn’t realize how protective I feel about that trust. I forgot how melodic a child’s giggle is or how wondrous is the moment when a child realizes if you pour sand into a construction toy it will make wheels spin. And how this simple mechanical toy fascinates a toddler’s imagination for a very long time.

I still believe that children are not ours to keep; that they are merely ours on loan and from the very first moment we hold them in our arms we are to teach them to be independent, respectful and loving. I also believe that whatever psychological and emotional issues we have as individuals they are ours to work out, not the child’s responsibility to either mask those problems or “fix” them. But what I’m coming to realize is that while we should be teaching them independence, they teach us to open our hearts and eyes to the world and to understand that independence isn’t the sole point to survival. Children depend on us and we depend on them to remind us that the flower they stop to smell is a necessary moment to feel connected to everything around us. Perhaps it is the children that are our true teachers and not the other way around…

Traveling Toward Independence

12.19.2010

In the Travel Section of today’s LA Times, there was an interesting article about giving the gift of travel to a loved.[1] Although the article didn’t focus entirely on kids, I want to include its opening paragraph:

As parents struggle to find just the right gift for their children this holiday season, let me make a suggestion: I’d give the gift of independence. In this age of “helicopter parenting” – our unceasing hovering over our children – it’s not always easy to instill in them the joy of independence and its corollary, self-reliance. Do we really want them to put us aside and embark on some other journey, separate from our care? Yes, I’m not suggesting dropping a teenager in the middle of the Gobi Desert and wishing him good luck…but a series of escalating challenges is the quickest route to becoming your own person. Travel not only opens a window to the world; it also grants the traveler an opportunity to peer deeply inside himself…When we travel, we change under the influence of impressions, memories and experiences that force us to reexamine and reevaluate our present, our past, who we are and what we aspire to be. Travel puts life into perspective, often reminding us of what’s important.

I was sixteen years old when I spent my junior year of high school abroad. As a teen, of course, you think know absolutely everything but when I think about how young I was, I’m astonished that my mother, very much a control freak, allowed me to go. It was also the year where I began to grow up emotionally in ways that I wouldn’t have ever been able to do otherwise. I was always “older” than most because of my situation at home and the responsibilities I had but that year abroad…it made me see the world and what was possible. I agree with the journalist that when you travel alone (or with a select few friends) and become faced with decisions that only you can make, it forces you to draw from within in order to find a solution. This produces confidence and allows a “take charge” mentality to emerge. As parents, I imagine that the point is to help your child develop these kinds of characteristics and I believe that traveling is a perfect template.

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[1] http://www.latimes.com/travel/la-tr-gift-20101219,0,2204867.story

Teens Talk Amongst Themselves

10.30.2010

I find it interesting that, although I very much enjoy teaching junior high school students, I can’t imagine myself being a parent of a teenager. In a controlled environment, I try to make the lessons interesting and to generate discussion but take me outside of that controlled environment and I’m helpless. What do you talk to them about? How do you relate to them? I wonder these things because teens look at adults as an “enemy” no matter how “cool” you think you are.

There’s a woman I know whose daughter is a freshman at the high school I attended and, on occasion, I inquire at how she’s adjusting. This mom is super cool and she expressed how distraught she is that her daughter pushes her away and speaks to her in hurtful ways. It underscored the memories I had from when I was a teen and how convinced I was that I would do things differently and/or that I’d be such a cool parent that my kid would never think some of the thoughts that I had when I didn’t get my way.

But alas, this isn’t the case and it feeds into the post that I had the other day. A parent puts so much of themselves and their lives into raising a kid only to endure a period of time where all of that will appear to mean nothing to the kid. There should be a support group for parents with teens.

So I continue to wonder… I get along with teens really well in the classroom and I feel privileged to see their minds expand and the lightbulbs go off but I don’t know if I’d be able to carry this same kind of interest outside of the classroom, even with my own kid. I know to a parent that might sound silly and stupid because, hey, the kid is your kid so you’d know his/her interests, likes/dislikes, etc. But what happens when your kid stops talking to you?