And the Scales Tip Yet Again

09.24.2010

I’ve been struggling lately with trusting my decisions because I tell myself that what I’ve decided isn’t perfect and it pisses me off how much of my childhood issues still creep up. I can’t help but wonder how much of these issues that are damaging to my own self-esteem would be transferred over to any child that I may have, thus, damaging theirs.

I logically understand that there’s no such thing as perfection but this is easier said than believing. I’ve forever battled a duality within me where one side wants to throw caution into the wind and the other recites the law and/or the Bible. The latter usually wins and, though I’m not complaining much by living on the straight and narrow, I often feel like I miss out on a lot of fun because I’m constantly trying to be perfect. We don’t learn about ourselves by being perfect, we learn by making mistakes. So why is it so difficult to accept these mistakes? I mean, one of my fears is making the mistake of having a child by “ruining” my life or “ruining” the child’s life because of something I did or didn’t do. I’m still sorting through traumatic childhood experiences and poor judgment on my mom’s part. How is this fair?

When I have such thoughts, it underscores that we pro-create not out of a desire to really have a kid but out of a selfish, biological necessity. Babies are cute because if they weren’t there’d be no drive to protect them. We didn’t know our great-grandparents personally and our great-grandchildren won’t know who we are; therefore, the fact that we have a child satisfies the immediate drive to pro-create, as well as an immediate emotional need to feel like we’re a part of something here and now.

Based on this, it’s hard to convince myself that having a child is “the right thing to do” when it’s more of an act of selfishness to have something I could ostensibly call “mine” during my lifetime because after that, only my kid(s) will have any memory of me and maybe my grandchildren.

Makes for a bleak picture, doesn’t it? Leave it to me.

Selfish Desires

08.30.2010

I read a story about a guy who shot and killed his ex-girlfriend and 2 other people at a birthday party and then later killed himself. The ex-girlfriend and he had two children together who are both, I believe, under the age of 5. Now they have neither parent and have to live with the fact that one parent killed the other.

I understand that life happens. I understand that there are situations that are out of my and our control. I understand that this isn’t the first nor the last time such a tragedy will occur.

But the selfishness that adults have (grounded in insecurity) can wreak such havoc and my heart aches for those kids and their families…

Public Letter to Kate Gosselin

04.17.2010

Dear Kate Gosselin:

I know that you don’t know me and that my piddly opinion means nothing to you. But, in the spirit of my blog, as it is about society and children, I feel compelled to get something off of my chest.

Please stop saying that the decisions you make are because of your children. It’s very clear to the world that all you think about is yourself. If you truly were thinking about your children, you’d be back in PA being a mom. But, let’s face it. You got a taste of fame and money and you’re not going to give that up for anyone or anything. It’s convenient for you to use your children (yet again, I might add) so that you can convince yourself that you are somehow actually doing it all for your kids. The mind is a funny thing sometimes.

One of the most important pieces of information that I learned in a child psychology class is that every decision, every move, every action parents make is a lesson to their children. And the lesson that you are teaching to your children is that you value fame and money more than you value them (and I won't even get into how your control issues are damaging their self-image and any future relationships, especially for your boys). The material items that you have gained by selling out your family has cost you your marriage and will forever alter the self-image your children will have. By the marriage falling apart and by you jet-setting all over the country, you are abandoning them and, honey, I can tell you a thing or two about how that feels and how you, as the child, spend a huge chunk of your life trying to understand why a parent couldn’t just be a parent and be there for you. Your selfishness to see your face on magazines, on TV and everywhere else will come back to haunt you when your kids are older…especially in your daughter Maddy.

It’s people like you that bring children into the world without realistically thinking about the consequences of your actions. I feel sorry for you but I mostly feel sorry for your children. They have yet to realize what a soulless mother they have but when they do, they will make some therapists quite wealthy. Congratulations!