Tea Kettle Foreshadow?

01.05.2011

The other day, I did something that, of late, I’m getting really good at. And I’m not proud of this special skill I’ve developed.

About six months ago, I started forgetting pots and pans on the stove while they’re cooking. It started out with a couple of “oops” and slight burns to a pot but I soon graduated to burning a pot so severely that the bottom of a stainless steel pot came off. Yes, the entire, ½ inch bottom layer of the pot came off as if I took a meat slicer and sliced the puppy right off.

This concerned me, to say the least, and I’ve been making an effort to use our kitchen timer and focus on one to two things at a time when in the kitchen.

Well, the other day, I decided to heat up some water for tea and, while waiting for the kettle to start whistling, I thought I’d get ready for a shower. I figured that I’d get my tea ready and while I showered it’d cool down for me to drink. I put the kettle on and 15 minutes later, in the middle of my shower, I realized I left the kettle on. I launched myself out of the shower, threw open the bathroom door to find our cats meowing at the door (something they never do) and dripped my way to the kitchen to take off the shrieking kettle. I thanked God that I, at least, filled the teapot with more than enough water so there was no danger of burning (off) anything.

But…

…I couldn’t help shake off this feeling of dread. What’s going on with me? I asked myself. I got back into the shower and was reminded of an article I read in Parenting Magazine last spring about parents who accidentally leave a child in the car and he/she dies. I started the article with judgment and “How could you?”-type questions but when I finished it, I thought about how quick I was to judge. I leave stuff on the stove all the time and forget about it. I’ve driven to places, spaced out, and couldn’t tell you how I got there. Life happens and when routines get altered at the last minute anything can happen.

Nonetheless, this terrifies me. Who’s to say I couldn’t be one of those parents who leave their child in the car? I often space out and I’m always thinking of, at least, 50 things at once. I plan my life days in advance, I use post-it notes and calendars, I go over my routines in my mind…but that might not be enough. I can barely live with the “almosts” I experience now, I can’t imagine having to live with the death of my child knowing that I caused it.

Suicide and a Two-Year Old

12.13.2010

It broke my heart today to read in the papers that Bernie Madoff’s son hanged himself in his home while his two-year old son was napping. Apparently his wife knew something was very wrong after receiving ominous texts from him and contacted authorities to check on him. They were, obviously, too late, he was already dead when they found him.

It’s not clear whether his son was napping when the authorities came in because, I think, I read one account that he was playing nearby and then I read another account that he was napping, but whatever the truth may be, to do that to your child is abysmal. I know the likelihood of him not remembering any details is high, but there is a strong chance that he’ll grow up thinking that maybe his father’s death had something to do with him.

I understand suicide tendencies well and I also understand that when you remove yourself from the situation and look back, you realize what a selfish act it is. Obviously Bernie Madoff’s son had made up his mind to kill himself but what he should’ve done is waited to be alone. His selfishness will bruise his son and forever keep a hole in the family.

Endings

09.10.10

Death. It doesn’t matter who we are, what we believe in or how we behave. The only thing that truly unites us universally is that we all will one day be but a mere memory.

To have so many people die at about the same time is a bit…heart-wrenching especially when two of the deaths are so closely related to my childhood. I don’t wish pain on anyone with whom I’m no longer friends but I know that my former friend (and her family) are going through a lot. Their mom wasn’t Lithuanian but the community adopted her in and every summer at scout camp, she (the mom) was the head cook where we all worked with her at some point during our chore rotation. We adored her. She always had a smile on her face and was already ready to sit and talk with you whenever you needed.

Her husband is and always was a huge flirt but no matter how much he’d flirt his way through a room, when he looked at his wife, there was undying love and devotion. You couldn’t miss that in his eyes. In fact, they were a rare example for me growing up that a marriage can last. I have this foreboding feeling in the pit of my stomach that he may pass in the next year himself because having to live without her might be too much.

It’s a strange feeling to lose someone from your childhood. On a day-to-day basis, we don’t pay attention to the ticking clock of our life but when a death occurs, it makes you stop and ponder the years that have gone by. And those memories, at least for me, are always bittersweet.

Rest in peace, A. You will be missed.

Momentary Writers Bloc

09.09.10

Today is a continuation of yesterday; however, for different reasons. In the span of about 10 days, the L.A. Lithuanian community lost 4 people. I know 3 of these people who died, two of whom are from my childhood. One of the deaths really took me by surprise and I’ve been in a bit of a daze all day so I can’t quite sit down and write out anything. I will tomorrow…

Selfish Desires

08.30.2010

I read a story about a guy who shot and killed his ex-girlfriend and 2 other people at a birthday party and then later killed himself. The ex-girlfriend and he had two children together who are both, I believe, under the age of 5. Now they have neither parent and have to live with the fact that one parent killed the other.

I understand that life happens. I understand that there are situations that are out of my and our control. I understand that this isn’t the first nor the last time such a tragedy will occur.

But the selfishness that adults have (grounded in insecurity) can wreak such havoc and my heart aches for those kids and their families…

Sex and The City 2 and the Neighbors

06.16.2010

There are moments in life where the spirit moves you. Literally.

Back to Sex and the City 2 for a moment and an issue that really hit home that, for whatever reason (probably wanting to hide from myself), I didn’t want to admit bugged me as much as it did. If you read my “Unexpected Detours” entry, you know that I don’t do well with emotions.

The characters of Carrie and Big don’t want children. They remind each other throughout the movie that it’s just the two of them and, at the beginning of the movie, they tell a couple at a wedding about how, despite loving children, having them just isn’t who they are as a couple.

There’s definitely a part of me that gets that. And scarily so. But as the movie progressed and showed their daily schedule of ordering in or going out to their favorite restaurants, or Big settling on the couch for the evening and she settling in next to him…it got me thinking. Their home had amazing décor that will never have drawings in crayon on them. And that’s OK. They have the luxury of going out whenever and for however long they want. And that’s fine too (and something I thoroughly enjoy doing with my husband). But, I got a sense from these scenes that there was very much something missing.

During the scene where Carrie gives Big an engraved watch for their anniversary, I felt a sadness come over me. The engraving was about how it was just going to be the two of them for the rest of their lives. And as happy as that seemed to make them I suddenly realized that if one of them died, that’s it. The memories they’ve created together would continuously remain in her or his memory bank. Alone.

Well, being the great emotional pusher-asider that I am, I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. Until today.

I have lived in the same building for 27 years. If I’m still here in 3 years, I can celebrate 30 years; not a milestone I really want to achieve. (Perhaps I’ll blog about the reasons someday.) As you can imagine, living in a place for this long, you get to know your neighbors. Many people with whom I grew up still live in the building including the neighbors with whom we share a patio fence.

These particular neighbors and my family were never close but they are very much a part of my childhood. They would keep to themselves and even their kids were recluses and the mother kind of scared me. I think there was a lot of pain behind her eyes and her gruff behavior but, as a kid, you just know what scares you.

I noticed a few months ago that it had been at least a year ½ that I last saw the mother and I got confirmation today that she passed away about a year ago. The first thought that came to my mind was the anniversary watch scene from Sex and the City 2. Even though my neighbors aren’t necessarily the friendliest and kept to themselves, they were a family of 4 with their own rituals, traditions, and memories.

I have noticed that the son comes over at least 2-3 times a week to be with his dad who, I have to say, hasn’t been looking well himself lately. But…what he has is a son (and daughter) and shared memories to help with the pain of having lost his partner.

The idea of having a/n (adult) child to hold on to in times of trouble, in times of loneliness if, God forbid, you lose your partner…it’s the common bond that ties you. And, strangely, in this context, having a child doesn’t scare me as much as living a life alone without the love of my life were I to ever lose him.

Death Doesn't Operate on Convenience

04.29.2010

I found out some horrible news this morning that my friends, Tracy and Jessica, who I wrote about at the beginning of my blog, lost their baby last week. This has absolutely devastated me…

I can’t begin to explain how thrilled I was for them when I found out Tracy was pregnant. I was honestly overjoyed and knowing the challenges that they already faced just to get to that point in their journey and what was ahead of them, I positioned myself on their sidelines with pom-poms silently cheering every step of the way. Knowing them, spending time with them, and talking to them made it so refreshing to see and hear two adults who thought it through, who made the decision to have a child in their lives not as a result of filling some void or because it was the next thing on their checklist but because they knew it was the right time to expand their family. It seems so unfair that these two should have this taken away from them so cruelly when people have babies without putting an ounce of thought into it or make the decision to have a baby for all the wrong reasons. It’s just so unfair.

I feel my friends’ pain and I grieve for them and for the soul that was lost…I am so sorry...