Fear is Part of the Equation

12.28.2010

I’m trying to launch a project that requires me to work with Dreamweaver CS. It’s taking a tremendous amount of patience, as I’m not the most tech-oriented person – ah, hell, I’m not tech-oriented at all – so I must complete tasks one painful baby-step at a time.

Under normal and any other circumstances I have an enormous amount of patience. But a computer and I are like oil and vinegar and my nasty side comes out. Rob has commented that when I get angry at the computer, he skulks away to his room, shuts the door and hides until the storm blows over. Yes, I get ugly.

Thus, in preparation for this project and knowing this, uh, “flaw” of mine, I coached myself by saying that it was necessary for me to approach this uncharted territory positively, to acknowledge that I will come to forks in the road and I won’t know which way to go, and to accept that I will make mistakes and hit up against brick walls. All of this is OK and I need to trust in myself and not be afraid to ask for help but to, most importantly, understand that I’m not in a race and am working under no deadline.

I reminded myself of all of this, repeated it like a mantra and eventually realized that these same sentiments apply to parenthood. However, before I get to that (and just stay with me), I wanted to address that I keep waiting for that “click” to occur, the one where people say you wake up one morning and know it’s time (to have a kid). That hasn’t happened to me and, I think, what’s happening is I hide behind my fear. There are, of course, other factors, but I keep waiting and wondering and nothing’s happening.

Now, I put off for weeks starting my project because of fear and the fact that I was waiting for the “right” moment – for some divine inspiration to knock me over and bless me. But I don’t know if the divine is ignoring me or perhaps I’ve pissed it off but I didn’t get any signs so, I buckled down and started on my own.

Parenthood is uncharted territory and needs to be approached positively knowing that fear is part of the equation but not the answer. You will come to forks in the road and not know which way to go. Mistakes will occur and there’ll be moments where you feel like you’re hitting your head up against the wall. And you know what? That’s OK.

The journey of weaving a dream begins with the first baby-step. My road beckons…

The Stranger, an HIV Test, and Peace

09.19.2010

Sometimes we find ourselves stressed and annoyed at the littlest things and it’s never until we’re faced with a reminder of the preciousness of life that we may think back to those moments of stress and annoyance and think, “May I have many more of those.” Yesterday, I experienced such a moment.

I was out with my sister running errands one of which was to the thrift store Out of the Closet. While she shopped, my back started to ache so I found a place to sit. This location offered free HIV testing and the only place for me to sit was in the waiting room. I took one of the two chairs and grabbed a magazine.

A guy in his late 20s or early 30s sat down next to me. We had actually both been looking for a bathroom earlier and were directed to the nearby Rite Aid. So, as bathroom buddies, he must’ve felt like we already crossed some sort of milestone because he immediately opened up. He asked if I was there for an HIV test and when I shook my head, he nervously told me that he was and was now waiting for the results.

He told me about a partner who told him he was HIV negative but then admitted he lied. He said that he started to notice changes in his body and it scared him into coming in to take the test. Shakily he pondered, “Is my life about to change forever?”

I felt helpless. For some reason our paths crossed and I, for one second, hated that they did. I’m horrible at coming up with words of wisdom on the spot or offering up some…what? What do you say to someone in that moment? “I hope it’s a negative result” just seems too much of a “well, duh” thing to say. So I decided to just listen because perhaps he just needed to know that someone was listening.

He was then called and my sister, by now, was done shopping. I told her what just happened and that I wanted to cry because I could feel his fear and I wanted him to be OK. While we were at the register, I kept looking to see if he’d left yet and I seriously considered waiting so that I would know the results too.

As we turned to leave, I saw him walk out with a big grin on his face. He was negative. I gave him a hug and he thanked me several times. In this moment, I had a connection with a complete stranger. It didn’t matter who he was, what his sexual orientation was, or where he came from. For a few minutes, we were two humans who stood together at a threshold where one person’s path could’ve gone one way or another. He needed a friend and a phantom hand to hold and I happened to be there at the right time, and for that I am truly grateful.

I also thought about all the people who bear so much hatred for gays and disregard their emotions, their needs and struggles, and teach this intolerance to their children. The compassion I had for this person, I feel, helped him and didn’t make him feel alone because, after all, isn’t that what we all strive for in the end? To not feel alone? It made me thankful to be who I am and should we ever have children, I feel that both Rob and I will be able to parlay that compassion, understanding and love. My hope is that they inspire others to do the same.

Child Psychology: A Necessary Education

04.13.2010

Back in the fall of 2001, I was taking a child psychology class because I was considering going into teaching and thought I’d get some credential pre-reqs out of the way at the local JC.

This class transformed a lot in my way of thinking about children and the approach to their development. I passionately felt (and still do) that the class should be introduced to high school freshman and built upon for the next four years. There is so much information out there about the (psychological) development of a child starting from in utero through young adulthood. This particular class went up to the age of about 12, I think, and then later I took an adolescent psychology class which was an eye opener, as well.

I think that if teens are introduced to the basic knowledge of child psychology at a young age, a lot of questions would be answered because biology only covers a part of it and even though parents should be discussing sex with their children, let’s get real. That doesn’t really happen. I mean, I had “the talk” at age 7 with my mom when she was pregnant with my sister and even though I found it interesting, the last thing I wanted to discuss with my mother as a teen was the topic of sex.

But child psychology takes away the uncomfortable parts of “the talk” and approaches it from a developmental standpoint and offers discussions about how important a parent’s health is (mentally, physically and emotionally) and what happens to a newborn and how that changes in each subsequent month.

So many teenaged girls get pregnant not just out of ignorance but many of them choose to have and keep the baby because of religious reason and they have no idea what to expect. And, I’m sorry, their parents usually don’t know much themselves and so, a vicious cycle continues of not being properly educated with what is physiologically happening or going to happen.

For example, there are studies that show that a newborn can feel whether or not a mother wants him/her. Other studies show that the lack of being held as a newborn can lead to an attachment disorder later in life. The there’s other information about how a baby that is crawling has no concept of depth of space and danger and, if allowed to crawl on a table, will not realize that if he/she reaches the edge of a table, he/she will fall. Understanding where a child is developmentally at each stage, I think, can only make you a better, more understanding parent.

I’ve seen so many parents get angry at their children for doing basic things like grab items from a mom’s purse or off the shelf at a supermarket. Without properly knowing that a child figures out his/her world by grabbing, by touching, and even tasting, you just see a child doing an annoying act and, being stressed out, it’s easy to lose patience and call the child “stupid” for not knowing better. Now the child has been shamed and is learning that mom thinks he/she is stupid transferring all of this information into "fear." Fear of mom fear of not trying anything so as not to "look stupid."

So many people are afraid of education but it really is power and it really expands your understanding of the world around us. I wish more people would see that.