Farewell

03.04.2011

Hard to believe but this is my last post. The experiment has come to an end. I am grateful that I did this because I definitely grew more comfortable with the idea of having kids. I learned a lot about myself and I sharpened certain thoughts and opinions and even find myself changing on others. I learned to accept that everyone’s on their own journey and that we make the best choices we know how at any given moment. Hindsight is always 20/20 and no one’s perfect, most of all me.

Thank you to anyone who read any entries; I appreciate your readership and whatever journey you happen to be on with whichever topic, remember, it’s your journey and you’re in control of what you make of it.

I now leave with an excerpt from a book by Richard Back titled Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah that I have, since high school, considered to be a kind of Bible of mine.

The Master answered and said, “Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all – young and old, rich and poor, good and evil, the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, ‘I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.’ The other creatures laughed and said, ‘Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom.’ But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet in time, the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, ‘…a miracle!...the Messiah, come to save us all!’ And the one carried in the current said, ‘I am no more Messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure…In the path of our happiness shall we find the learning for which we have chosen this lifetime. So it is that I have learned this day, and choose to leave you now to walk your own path, as you please.” And he went his way through the crowds and left them, and he returned to the everyday world of men and machines.

Thank you and goodnight.

The Heart of Mushy Cereal is Love

02.22.2011

I baby-sat today and after about a 12-year gap of taking care of a toddler, there are many things I forgot about. For example, bibs are an excellent invention and breakfast isn’t a 15-minute affair. In fact, it’s not a 30-minute affair or a 45 or 60-minute one. Also each action is a reaction to a negotiation and why more mothers aren’t hired as lawyers, contract arbitrators or political negotiators is beyond me.

I was also reminded that a “quick” walk down the block would be more than 15-minutes. And I learned that convincing a two-year old that traipsing through a bed of flowers takes more skill than solving a computer problem. Or that convincing said two-year old that chewing on miniscule dinosaur toys isn’t good for you could instantly become more challenging than any statistical math problem ever presented. Both involve logic, right? You’d think.

There are other things I forgot about in this 12-year absence such as the magic of tiny hands offering a hug or the stretching out of one of those tiny, chubby hands to share a now mushy piece of cereal that at one point was in the mouth but is now intended to be consumed by me. I also forgot how sacred the trust is that we are all born with and lose along the way. I also didn’t realize how protective I feel about that trust. I forgot how melodic a child’s giggle is or how wondrous is the moment when a child realizes if you pour sand into a construction toy it will make wheels spin. And how this simple mechanical toy fascinates a toddler’s imagination for a very long time.

I still believe that children are not ours to keep; that they are merely ours on loan and from the very first moment we hold them in our arms we are to teach them to be independent, respectful and loving. I also believe that whatever psychological and emotional issues we have as individuals they are ours to work out, not the child’s responsibility to either mask those problems or “fix” them. But what I’m coming to realize is that while we should be teaching them independence, they teach us to open our hearts and eyes to the world and to understand that independence isn’t the sole point to survival. Children depend on us and we depend on them to remind us that the flower they stop to smell is a necessary moment to feel connected to everything around us. Perhaps it is the children that are our true teachers and not the other way around…

Loud Smiles and Joys

01.18.2011

There’s a particular joy that arises when a toddler comes into the room and smiles. There is also a particular joy that arises when the same toddler discovers how annoying screaming is to adults and I get to leave.

“You take the good, you take the bad, and there you have The Facts of Life…”