Farewell

03.04.2011

Hard to believe but this is my last post. The experiment has come to an end. I am grateful that I did this because I definitely grew more comfortable with the idea of having kids. I learned a lot about myself and I sharpened certain thoughts and opinions and even find myself changing on others. I learned to accept that everyone’s on their own journey and that we make the best choices we know how at any given moment. Hindsight is always 20/20 and no one’s perfect, most of all me.

Thank you to anyone who read any entries; I appreciate your readership and whatever journey you happen to be on with whichever topic, remember, it’s your journey and you’re in control of what you make of it.

I now leave with an excerpt from a book by Richard Back titled Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah that I have, since high school, considered to be a kind of Bible of mine.

The Master answered and said, “Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all – young and old, rich and poor, good and evil, the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, ‘I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.’ The other creatures laughed and said, ‘Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom.’ But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet in time, the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, ‘…a miracle!...the Messiah, come to save us all!’ And the one carried in the current said, ‘I am no more Messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure…In the path of our happiness shall we find the learning for which we have chosen this lifetime. So it is that I have learned this day, and choose to leave you now to walk your own path, as you please.” And he went his way through the crowds and left them, and he returned to the everyday world of men and machines.

Thank you and goodnight.

Bombs of Hope

02.24.2011

In the summer of 2004, I had an internship at the Smithsonian’s National American History Museum in Washington, DC. Very soon after I arrived, former President Ronald Reagan passed away and I got to view his funeral procession down Pennsylvania Avenue where his casket was taken to be viewed in Congress’s rotunda. I wanted to go to the viewing but once I caught wind that the wait could be up to 16 hours long, I decided against it. I figured it was enough to be present for the procession. What I didn’t expect, however, was that the moment that would be embedded in my memory from that day would not be the moment I saw Reagan’s horse-drawn carriage ride by. It’s what happened during the 21-gun salute that is forever burned into my mind.

The Air Force conducted its “lost comrade” plane salute followed by a 21-gun salute done with an actual cannon which I quickly realized was about 100 feet away from me. Upon the cannon’s first fire, those of us standing nearby jumped out of our skin. I can’t begin to explain the noise and the power of the cannon; it scared me shitless even though I knew it was firing off empty shells.

I stood there and began to weep surprised at my own reaction but thankful that it was a funeral since I could easily mask the real reason for my tears. With each fire of the cannon, the reality that there are people, children, that hear this kind of sound every day surfaced in my mind. The Iraq War was well under way by this time and I couldn’t help but think of all the children that witnessed cannons and other military equipment aimed to kill (on both sides).

We are so spoiled in America even with all the daily struggles we have, with all the poverty and selfishness that surrounds us. We are content to go to war as long as it’s not in our back yards. I think about the horrors that my grandparents witnessed during WWII and other atrocities witnessed during that same time period. There’s no denying that humans can be kind, thoughtful and heroic but there is also such a dark side to humanity. It breaks my heart that there are many children who get exposed to that dark side at such an early age. We spend so much time in America focusing on the well-being of children and making sure that they have a childhood that, I think, we take it for granted. I hope, and I mean deep in my heart I hope, that the world experiences more kindness and that more children reap the benefits of that kindness instead of more bombs, guns, and death.

Staying True

01.09.2011

There really isn’t anything like doing something that you love. I spent the day working on a creative project…or rather, working on some promotional material for a creative project with the help of a group of people. When you find yourself with a group of creative souls and see projects moving forward, it’s so gratifying. Perhaps one day I might be able to make a living off of this.

But whatever may come, I hope to keep these projects as a high priority should we have a kid. It’s important to have an outlet where you do something you love. A child would make it difficult for me to work on such projects like I did today but I would shrivel up and die inside were I to stop. I’d have to make it work somehow. I would just have to. Besides, I’d feel like I’m cheating my child out of a proper example of staying true to yourself and your dreams.

A Sonogram of Hope

10.13.2010

I recently saw a sonogram and I don’t know if it’s because it belonged to someone close to me or not but I was overwhelmed with emotion. The newness and promise that comes with a baby is so strong, and I wish that at least a fraction of that remained with us throughout our lives. We get so jaded by the time we’re adults and it becomes more challenging with each year to try and see situations from a fresh perspective or from the perspective of hope. So much emphasis on these emotions is associated with having a baby that I wish we’d spread them a little more throughout our lives instead of just with the coming of a baby. It’s up to us as individuals to remember that having hope, like a smile, is contagious.

Four Christmases in July

07.04.2010

Happy July 4^th!

Today we spent the afternoon at this family’s home whose block on which they live closed down for a “block party.” I had never been to a block party though I remember as a kid always wanting to go to one because of the Sesame Street “Block Party” record that I had. I never watched Sesame Street growing up because we didn’t own a TV but, for some reason, I absolutely loved that album.

Chatting, eating and observing, I couldn’t help but feel like I was living out the words that Reese Witherspoon’s character, Kate, in Four Christmases tells her boyfriend, Brad, who’s played by Vince Vaughn in this one scene toward the end of the movie. The thing about Kate and Brad is that they are a power couple from NY who consistently avoid their respective families, they don’t believe in marriage and kids, and want to have the freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want. Thanks to some bad luck, Kate and Brad end up having to visit their families for Christmas and their day’s journey is what the movie is about.

The scene that I’m referring to is when Kate tells Brad that she’s taken a pregnancy test earlier in the day which causes Brad to completely freak out.

Kate: Relax, Brad. It was negative. I’m not pregnant.

Brad: Well jeez, why don’t you just hit me with that right from the start? Instead of making me take laps around the anxiety pool.

Kate: What is this reaction?

Brad: Listen, if there’s one thing we’ve learned by being forced to being around our families today it’s about the dangers of procreating. Besides, that’s not the things that we want in life.

Kate: Brad, I realized it today. I thought for sure, I’d always known that I didn’t want to have kids and I took this test, I’m waiting to see if it’s positive or negative and I thought, for just a second. I felt…different. You know? I felt hopeful. Like maybe it would just happen and we’d be forced to get over all our fears. We have spent so much of our relationship creating all these boundaries you know and making sure that we don’t limit ourselves with responsibility…and obligations, and I don’t wanna live like that anymore. Because that’s not loving at all.

Brad: Is that an eighties song?

I remember when I saw the movie in the theatre, Kate’s short monologue really hit home especially the part where she says they’ve spent so much time creating the boundaries making sure that limits aren’t made and that if she just got pregnant they’d be “forced” to get over their fears. I have actually had that same exact thought before.

While observing the parents with their children today, I thought about how I’m sure they all have moments of insanity and moments of doubt, but coming together for a holiday is one of the upsides of those downsides. Everything occurs in cycles and without bad there is no good and without good there is no bad. Kids or no kids you’re going to have a day that’s good and you’re going to have a day that’s more challenging. One a particularly challenging day, kids might increase the stress…but on those days that are good…you have more family members to help celebrate. And on either kind of day, you have an extra pair of hands to stand in the corner and help cheer you up or help cheer you on. Family is what people want when they are most in need…not necessarily the freedom to get up and go whenever they please. I think parenthood is one of the most difficult jobs in the world but I can see flashes of how it could also be rewarding.

You'll Figure It Out

04.15.2010

A strange phenomenon has started to occur. I’ve been writing this blog for a little over a month now and I’m starting to see a transformation within my thoughts when it comes to thinking about children. I still have all the fears and concerns and a sense that I’m going to completely lose my identity, but there’s something that has started to continuously counteract those thoughts. The following words pop into my head: You’ll figure it out.

I have always been so terrified of making mistakes because of my own obsession with perfection, as well as just the “normal”, societal pressures of being perfect. Everyone always says there’s no guidebook to really tell you how to parent. You can read all the baby books beforehand but you’re never truly prepared for it all. And I would imagine that each situation, each child is so unique that it’s virtually impossible to be prepared ahead of time. And I think this is one of the major reasons as to why it’s so difficult for me to come to a definitive answer, or rather, definitive commitment to having kids.

I’ve always been a planner, the one to take charge in any situation so that the job (or whatever’s needed) gets done. One would think that with this quality so strong within me that it’d be natural for me to want to run out and be a parent cause I could then plan, schedule, and organize not just my life but another person’s as well. But that’s just the thing. I’m a planner and a take charge kind of person because I’m so unbelievably scatterbrained and usually running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have to take charge and I have to feel like I’ve accomplished something at the end of the day otherwise I’m lost. In other words, I can barely take care of myself. I have to actively work at it and the thought of having to “take charge” of a child and to be prepared ahead of time for the child’s needs really scares the shit out of me.

But I guess…I’ll figure it out. Somehow. Right? Cause…what’s the alternative?

Movie Inspires

04.03.2010

I watched Sam Mendes’s movie Revolutionary Road last night and I hate having high expectations for movies because inevitably I’ll be disappointed. I loved, loved, loved his Away We Go movie; can’t get enough and can’t recommend it highly enough (it is with the wonderfully talented Maya Rudolph and – to me- surprisingly comedic John Krasinski). But Revolutionary Road…??...meh.

I had such high expectations for the movie because I thought I’d be able to greatly identify with it. With great expectations from their lives, a husband and wife move to the suburbs with their 2 kids only to realize that the cookie-cutter version of suburbia isn’t for them at all as they witness their lives and marriage fall apart. Now having written all that out, I suppose it sounds strange to hear me say that I had such high expectations of that movie or that I’d identify with it. Well, for starters, I didn’t think you could go wrong with Sam Mendes, Kate Winslet and Leonardo di Caprio. But, big names don’t really mean much if you don’t have a GOOD STORY! And I don’t think Revolutionary Road’s script was written well.

Secondly, and here’s where I thought I could relate, the idea of “the ‘burbs”. Rob and I have often talked about how we don’t want to move to the suburbs where all the homes are the same and there’s some ridiculous rule that you can’t paint your shutters any color other than white or white. OK, maybe cream is allowed, but you get what I mean. I want a safe, diverse and education-oriented neighborhood but one that values independent thinking and acceptance.

But the movie did bring out a theme that I’ve written about and one that terrifies me. Kate Winslet’s character studied to be an actress but she got married, got pregnant and they moved to the suburbs where she could be the dutiful wife and her husband could work at a job he hated.

This kind of an existence really scares me. Granted, the movie’s set in 1955, but I see this kind of living all around me. We can’t all be celebrities, bank CEOs, or astronauts. I get that and I’m not striving to really be any of those things. I’m just so terrified of waking up one day without realizing how many years have passed and feeling miserable and regretful just like those characters in the movie. Because how do you teach your kid(s) to be happy if you yourself are not?