Teen Emancipation

02.25.2011

At the check-out stand today, I noticed one of those tabloid magazines splashing the story about Miley Cyrus’s feud with her dad. I vaguely remember seeing something about it on Yahoo! but I don’t know the details nor do I care. However, based on the tabloid’s headline, I gathered that rumor has it that she has cut off her dad and the two are now not speaking. He’s apparently upset by all her partying and blames Hollywood for her out-of-control behavior. Frankly, I could write just on how it’s not Hollywood’s fault but I’ll leave that to the certified psychologists.

What this piece of valuable information about Miley Cyrus gave me, though, is thoughts about how teens behave and how we treat them. Are they rambunctious solely because it’s the hormones or are they like that solely because parents didn’t properly discipline at a young age? It’s like asking whether the chicken or the egg came first, I think, and I guess if forced to construct an opinion, I’d say that both nature and nurture are at play. Although, I’d probably err on the side of nurture more because if you instill proper discipline at a young age, teens will quickly learn what’s acceptable and what isn’t.

But my point is that I began to think about why our society designates “18” as an adult. Why that particular age? At one point in history, girls were married by the time they were 16 with at least one child. This would mean that they were already carrying what we today consider to be adult responsibilities. I know that with advances in education, borne out of the abolishment of child labor in America (if kids weren’t going to work anymore they had to go somewhere), the notion of what a child means to a family and what he/she can accomplish has changed. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But I just think that we sort of act surprised when teens want to emancipate themselves from their families and I wonder how much of that is actually hard-wired.

Double Standard

01.23.2011

I’ve always thought there was a double standard in the treatment of sons and daughters. Sons are allowed to go out with friends at an earlier age, dads don’t have a problem with their sons dating (at any age) but don’t want to let their daughters out of the house until they’re over 30, or sons get away with bad behavior because, well, shrug-of-the-shoulders, “they’re just being boys.”

I don’t think only dads get caught in this mentality either. I think moms might be bigger culprits because their sons are their “little boys” who can do no wrong (even at age 55). Relationships with daughters tend to be a different story. I think mothers hold more over their daughters and hold them more accountable. I’m, obviously, speaking in generalities. I once knew a mother who not only was harder on her son who happened to be the 2^nd born, a position in the family that lends itself to being able to get away with more, but this mom would often take the side of her daughter if a fight broke out – even if she saw the daughter instigate it. But the reason I remember this is because in all my years of working with kids and parents and studying a little bit of psychology, I found this to be unusual.

Recently, Parenthood (a favorite show of mine, in case you didn’t pick up on that) created a storyline that a 16-year old daughter started dating a 19-year old recovering alcoholic, and the parents prohibited her from seeing him. This, of course, created tension and the daughter rebelled. The parents argued that their daughter was too young to deal with such adult problems that the guy brought to the table.

As much as I agree with the parents, I have to wonder if the genders were reversed, would there be such opposition. For example, when talking about teachers with a group of guy friends, they all agree that it’s “awesome” when a teenager “hooks up” with a female teacher especially if they consider her to be hot. But it’s definitely “pedophilia” if an older, male teacher “has sex” with a student. To me, both are wrong, but that’s the double standard I’m talking about.

Why do we coddle girls? Why do we feel we have to protect them more than we do boys?

For anyone with a daughter, would you let her date an older person? And would you apply the same rule(s) to a son?

Proud Teacher

01.16.2011

While doing some yard work today, I was thinking about my day yesterday with my 8^th graders and realized that I was really proud of them. We read a somewhat difficult story in class in which there were a lot of new Lithuanian vocabulary words, but they stuck with me and we worked through it together. I’m building the curriculum as we go so these stories that we’re reading are new to me and, as a result, I can’t really predict how the lesson is going to go. The great thing about building a curriculum from scratch (and having a principal who lets you do so) is that you have total freedom but the drawback is also that you have total freedom and that you have a 50-50 shot of the story being engaging. By never having taught a story, you enter the lesson blindly, if you will. So when I’m able to grab the students’ attention enough to see in their faces that they’re thinking about my questions I’m very proud of them. And I hope I remember to tell them so next week.

Should Parents Know If Their Teen is Having Sex?

01.01.2011

Our TV was out of commission for most of December and though this was a blessing in disguise, I did get backed up on some of my shows. One of those shows is Men of a Certain Age. I love Ray Romano, what I can say.

Last week’s episode brought up an interesting issue with teenagers. Ray Romano’s character catches his daughter’s boyfriend naked in the bathroom and realizes that his daughter’s having sex. When he confronts her about it she says a bunch of different things including, “You didn’t expect me to be a virgin when I went to college?” and “Mom knows.” It’s this response that bugs me.

Ray Romano’s character and his wife are divorced and the kids mainly live with their mother. He realizes that his daughter’s been using his place to have sex. When he tries to talk over with his wife the issue of their daughter having sex, she’s rather blasé about it. He tells her she should’ve told him but the wife disagrees. She says their daughter confided in her and asked not to tell him. This makes him angry and insists that their daughter having sex affects him too and he should’ve known about it.

I found myself siding with him but when I imagined myself being put in the mother’s shoes, I wasn’t so sure. If Rob and I had a daughter and she confided in me that she was having sex, for example, would I share that information with Rob? I think I should. But what if the daughter asks for confidentiality? How do you tow the line? You, as a parent, want to make sure you keep the line of communication open with your kid(s) so you don’t want to betray him/her. But I think while the kid is living in your house, both parents need to be aware of his/her actions.

In the show’s case, the daughter was using her dad’s absence during the day to have sex. This is wrong on so many levels and the fact that it’s happening at the dad’s place the daughter’s involved him. What if something happened to either her or her boyfriend? The dad would be held liable. Ok, so I’m going into lawyer territory here (I’m a lawyer’s wife), but I think the writers on the show dismissed an entire issue and they shouldn’t have. I sometimes feel that our society is more favorable toward women on these issues because of “women power” and I don’t agree. Not when it inhibits one parent from being a parent or pits one parent against the other. I think the dad had every right to being angry. He can’t make the decision for his daughter whether or not to have sex but he should’ve been made aware of it.

Dueling Languages, Minor Victories

12.04.2010

Today I have to brag. For all the lip service I give about teenagers, I was very proud of my kids today. I gave them an assignment a month ago to prepare a debate about whether or not they believe our society values art. They had to prepare both sides because they’d only found out on the day of (today) which side they were arguing. They did such a great job and two actually got into it trying to one-up each other with their supportive arguments.

What makes me so proud is that, well, first you have to understand that to get any kids to speak Lithuanian is nearly impossible because English is the default language and it’s the “cool” language. No one wants to speak Lithuanian. I remember how it was; I was the same way. So these little victories that I have in the classroom where the kids not only speak Lithuanian but argue in Lithuanian means the world to me. They probably won’t remember the day or the moment, but I will. And for what it’s worth, for that split moment in time, they were speaking a different language and having fun. That, as a teacher, is incredibly gratifying.

Overcoming Adversity

12.01.2010

There are more ways than one that our society teaches kids at a young age what’s considered to be “good” and what’s “bad.” Pick the topic: white is better than black, thin is better than not, rich is better than poor, taller is better than shorter etc.

Imagine yourself coming from the future to today’s world and think about what values you’d see our culture have. Our TV is filled with beautiful, rich people in the latest fashions, talking trash and/or looking for ways to exploit something or anyone for their own gain. What I wish is that we’d hear more stories like the one found in the Sports section of the LA Times from last week titled Finding Purpose.[1]

The story revolves around a high school student who came from a broken home, bounced back and forth from one home to another and eventually tried to kill himself but didn’t succeed. With the right help, he is one of the lucky ones to find himself today flourishing in high school, playing football.

We all have our troubles and we all have stories of obstacles that we overcame, and, obviously, that doesn’t ever stop but I wish we heard more of these stories in the media instead of how many babies Octomom has or what purse Paris Hilton has now. With all the bad news constantly bombarding us, it’s nice to know that there are real people trying to figure it out. It’s especially important, I think, for all teens, not just the troubled ones, to hear stories of those who worked through adversarial forces. Not giving up builds character, not how many parties one can go to in one night.

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[1] http://articles.latimes.com/2010/nov/24/sports/la-sp-1125-plaschke-20101125

They're Moody, Dramatic and Amazing

11.30.2010

I’m going to come off smug today. OK, especially smug. I know that there currently are parents with little ones who find it difficult to believe, let alone accept, that their sweet, little, perfect angel will, in about 10 years, become a ball of unrecognizable hormones who will be capable of inflicting (emotional) pain (to his/her parents). I’ve seen more than one set of parents be in complete denial of the reality of who their child is and it’s not pretty. There are aspects of working with teens that I love but they are teens. And just because they’re your teen, doesn’t make them completely innocent and angelic. I value those parents who see and accept their kid for whom they are, the good and the bad. Because, dear parents, teachers see it all.

I read an article in Sunday’s, LA Time’s Parade Magazine about teens.[1] And now to be more smug, most of the info wasn’t news to me, having taken an adolescent psych class before but, nonetheless, it was an informative read. One of my favorite scientific discoveries from the past 10-15 years is that our brains continue to develop into our mid-20s. No wonder it wasn’t until my late 20s that I decided to get serious about my life. Up until then, my brain wasn’t capable of doing so (for the most part).

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the article but, one more thing, before I continue: Those of you with kids, keep in mind that none of us are immune to the following sentiments or incidents:

“I would rather give birth to a baby elephant than raise a teenager again. It would be less painful…I cannot believe that my darling, sweet little girl has turned into a 16-year-old stranger who just wants money from me all the time.” – Renee Cassis, NY.

It’s not “only the rebellious kids who suddenly turn on us…When my friend’s son – a straight-A student and all-around sweetheart – recently ended up in the hospital getting his stomach pumped because he went out drinking with friends for the first time and had no clue how much was too much, that’s when I realized: There is just no predicting.” – Judith Newman (article’s author).

“When a child turns 12, he should be kept in a barrel and fed through the bung hole, until he reaches 16…at which time you plug the bung hole.” – Mark Twain.

I believe that, as parents and anyone looking to be a parent, you do yourself a disservice to not educate yourself on the biological changes that occur in teens. And I don’t mean the obvious (periods and erections) but I mean the changes in brain chemistry. Knowledge is power. Teens need to learn their lessons and appropriate punishment should be given but if you know what’s going on physically, then it helps to understand from where your kid is coming. Teens don’t have that part of their brain that registers “consequences” developed yet (it doesn’t fully form until your mid-20s!), so if you keep that in mind, you can take some extra time and figure out a way to explain the consequences that happened after a bad decision was made. Teens need to understand and they can understand, it just takes more time and patience.

Then, once that’s done, consider investing in some good winery’s stock for a few years and pour yourself and your spouse a glass and count the days until college or he/she moves out.

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[1] http://www.parade.com/news/2010/11/28-inside-the-teenage-brain.html

Teens Talk Amongst Themselves

10.30.2010

I find it interesting that, although I very much enjoy teaching junior high school students, I can’t imagine myself being a parent of a teenager. In a controlled environment, I try to make the lessons interesting and to generate discussion but take me outside of that controlled environment and I’m helpless. What do you talk to them about? How do you relate to them? I wonder these things because teens look at adults as an “enemy” no matter how “cool” you think you are.

There’s a woman I know whose daughter is a freshman at the high school I attended and, on occasion, I inquire at how she’s adjusting. This mom is super cool and she expressed how distraught she is that her daughter pushes her away and speaks to her in hurtful ways. It underscored the memories I had from when I was a teen and how convinced I was that I would do things differently and/or that I’d be such a cool parent that my kid would never think some of the thoughts that I had when I didn’t get my way.

But alas, this isn’t the case and it feeds into the post that I had the other day. A parent puts so much of themselves and their lives into raising a kid only to endure a period of time where all of that will appear to mean nothing to the kid. There should be a support group for parents with teens.

So I continue to wonder… I get along with teens really well in the classroom and I feel privileged to see their minds expand and the lightbulbs go off but I don’t know if I’d be able to carry this same kind of interest outside of the classroom, even with my own kid. I know to a parent that might sound silly and stupid because, hey, the kid is your kid so you’d know his/her interests, likes/dislikes, etc. But what happens when your kid stops talking to you?

My AI Moment. What's Yours?

10.28.2010

Last week, I went to my elementary school for an open house. Not only am I an alumnus but I also taught there for a year. This school is part of the Archdiocese and so it's on the brink of being closed down due to all the financial issues the Church is having; therefore, I try to support any activities they have whenever I can.

At the open house, two students took me on a tour of the premises, although most of it looked the same from when I worked there 10 years ago which, at that point, hadn’t looked much different from when I graduated. Both the 7^th and 8^th graders flooded me with questions about my experiences there as a student, and it was during this spontaneous Q&A that I was reminded of what it is exactly I miss about teaching. It’s also the only thing.

One of the questions posed was whether or not there was anything I missed about the school. This gave me pause. I then began my answer with, “I know this won’t mean much to you but what I miss is being your age and having time. Time to play, time to be with friends and having one of my biggest worries be about completing my homework.” There were, of course, other things going on at home that I don’t miss but I miss having two hours to write in my journal, for example.

I never appreciated all that my mom did, and as a single parent at that. There are choices she made that I certainly wish she made differently, but, today, every time I have to stop a project to make dinner, I think about how, as a kid, I could just keep going.

Parents bring a child into this world and raise him/her, teaching him/her how to be self-sufficient and productive (or at least they should be). Parents parlay their values and have hopes and dreams for and expectations of their child only to often become disappointed with the choices that he/she has made (because it wasn’t the vision that they had for their child). Parents invest so much of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually into these little carbon copies of themselves who will end up maybe never appreciating, let alone aware of, all the sacrifices they, as parents, made and continue to make. Isn’t that painful?

I’d like to return, even for an AI-like moment, to a time when I was working on some school project while my mom prepared dinner (if she was home) and, instead of being annoyed by or annoyed with her, I’d like to appreciate that for that moment in time she was letting me be a kid.[1]

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[1] I am referring to the Stanley Kubrick/Steven Spielberg movie AI (Artificial Intelligence), 2001.

Teens Don't Have to Be Aliens.

09.11.2010

Today was the first day of Lithuanian school, and I decided before summer to go back and teach because after a year’s break, I missed the routine (even though every Saturday morning as I rush to get out the door I ask myself, “Why am I doing this?” Although I use more colorful language.) But most importantly, I wanted to go back because I’m realizing with each year that I’m losing more of the language.

I’m teaching 8^th graders and I’m at the point where I chuckle to myself each time I tell someone because the commons response is, “Ugh, how can you do that?” When I taught full-time, I taught junior high and absolutely loved it but, at Lithuanian school, I always taught 4^th graders because I didn’t trust my language skills to be able to communicate appropriately especially if there would be disciplinary issues.

Anyway, I couldn’t be happier with my decision and am thrilled to pieces to be working with the group of kids that I have this year (whom I had as 4^th graders). The thing that people forget about teens is that if you reason with them, if you put yourself out there to see them eye-to-eye, they will return the respect. Think about it. What do teens want? They want to be heard and understood and if you provide that kind of an environment for them, they will work for you. As long as they know that they are safe and there is no judgment, they will open up and it’s precisely that opportunity that I like to provide for them. Teens are just awakening to the world around them and are learning to experience so many different emotions that I relish in being able to help guide them into helping them find their identity.

And a little thing I learned about myself today…to trust myself more and to give myself a bit more credit than I do. I even had the boys raising their hands and willingly participating in class discussion…in Lithuanian! That’s pretty damn good, if I may say so myself. It almost makes me want to have a teenager…

…I said almost…

The Clothing Store Experience

08.27.2010

I was at Ross and while standing in line I noticed a mother with her teenaged daughter and another child of about three in a stroller. I would normally make no comment on someone’s race, religion or ethnicity, etc, as I believe such information is unnecessary, but for my particular story it is.

Judging by the head scarves that both mother and daughter wore, I’m guessing that they were Muslim. (I acknowledge that I could be wrong but for the sake of my story, let’s say they were.)

I admit that, like most Americans, I know very little about this religion or its customs. And even though what I saw happened could’ve occurred to anyone, it’s the daughter’s attitude that struck a chord with me.

There were two things I saw. First, when the family was called to the register, the teenaged daughter went ahead of her mother who was having trouble carrying clothes in one hand and pushing the stroller with the other. When the mother dropped a pair of shoes, she yelled out to her daughter (in their native language) who turned around, with an attitude, and said what I imagined to be something along the lines of, “What?” or “How is that my problem?”

The mother said something to make her daughter walk back while at the same time kicking the pair of shoes at her. I was shocked. She was holding one other thing in her hand and I couldn’t understand why she didn’t just bend down to pick them up. Why did she kick the shoes at her daughter?

Once at the register, I observed the daughter giving total attitude to her mom. You know, the typical teenaged attitude that expresses you so totally and seriously don’t want to be seen with your mom because she’s so lame and doesn’t know anything.

This made me think about cultural differences. Does this kind of an attitude among teens exist in the Muslim world? What I do know about them is that they’re deeply religious and very tight with their families. Was this girl’s attitude a result of living in the States?

I’m sure this behavior is blamed on the Americanization of their culture…but is that really true? Yes, we value materialism. Yes, we value money. Yes, we value fame and power. But I wonder if teens act in the same way regardless of their family history and regardless of what part of the world they live in. Or is the “typical teen” as we know it purely a product of American consumerism?

A Confused Teen May Not Be Hormonal

08.21.2010

A Los Angeles Times article from Wednesday, August 18, 2010, reports a story that finds today’s teens are losing their hearing at an alarming rate. About 20% of today’s teens have at least a slight hearing loss and over the last 15 years, this has increased 30%. The percentage of those with mild or worse hearing loss over the same time period has gone up 77%.

Some interesting facts:

1. In English, the letters “s,” “f,” “th,” and “sh” are soft-frequency sounds that are important sounds in our language but are the first ones to go when hearing loss occurs (meaning you won't hear them).

2. Factors such as genetics, certain medications, head trauma, extremely loud noises or already preexisting conditions of hearing loss can all contribute to a deeper loss.

3. Children with light blue eyes are more likely to have hearing loss than those with other eye colors.

4. If parents have hearing loss, they’re less likely to get a better job increasing chances of their kid(s) living in poverty. Also, poor people are more likely to not get ear infections treated which can damage hearing.

5. Once damage is done, it’s irreversible. Turn down the volume on iPods and mp3 players. Protect your ears at concerts or other places where you’ll experience loud noise for extended periods of time.

As the Jamba Juice slogan says: Your body is your temple. Cherish it.

Teenagers

05.26.2010

How do parents deal with their children treating them like crap? You put in so much time as a parent to raise your child, to teach him/her the right thing to do, and to be a self-sustaining individual only to know that one day, that same child is going to look at you, not want anything to do with you, and not appreciate your hard work like he/she should. I speak from experience as a once teenager.

While Rob and his brother were going through their teenaged years, his parents were fond of saying, “I always wanted kids but I never asked for teenagers.”

I don’t have kids and, yet, I’m already petrified of this stage because I have such little patience for nincompoop behavior. I loved that age as a teacher…but as a parent? I don’t know.

It Takes A Village

03.29.2010

In yesterday’s Business section of the LA Times (and yes, I still read the actual newspaper), there was an article about teens and shopping, and how merchants have noticed a surge in teens’ spending again which gives them hope that things are picking up economically. Teens, of course, are the “ideal consumer” because they are “unhampered by debt, bills and mortgages, they spend freely and impulsively [and] unlike their time-strapped parents, they hit the malls frequently and stay longer.” [1] And let’s not forget about the pressures of being a teen and how owning the latest album by the hottest recording artist or band, or the latest video game is of extreme importance. Oh, to be a teen again….NOT.

I understand the state of our economy and I understand that without consumers there are no businesses and without business we have no economy. I get that. But what’s frustrating to me is the extent to which these businesses prey on unsuspecting teens. There are pressures that teens face and businesses bank on the insecurities of teens to get them through their fiscal quarter. If you convince the buyer that they are nothing without a product, they will buy. We’ve all fallen victim to this mentality and we’ve all had impulse buys only later realizing that it probably wasn’t the wisest investment. My purse collection is certainly a give-away that I’m not immune to this. But I wonder what are we exactly teaching our youth? Not to mention the economical pressure on parents to keep up with their kids’ desires. One of the things that scared me terribly about the notion of being a parent is that when I was teaching, I would almost on a daily basis see my students with new, expensive pens, pencils, bags, etc. because a few people had the item(s) initially and now everyone had to have it. It may seem petty on my part, but it’s something I noticed and it scares me how much parents felt pressured to indulge their kids.

Oh, and about teaching…who is the ultimate teacher in this, and all, equations? The Parent(s). I’m certainly not going to ignore the role parents play in this. The fact that teens are more prone to impulse buys, I think, is hugely the parents’ fault. Next to the article I cited earlier is the headline “Savings is topic of ‘the talk’”.[2] This column is all about parents who discuss with their kids the importance of savings and require that their kids put away a part of their weekly allowance. This is fantastic! One parent who is $25K in credit card debt, has two mortgages on his home and a $12K loan for a travel trailer said that he’s determined that his daughter not make the same mistakes he did. It’s kind of interesting that when one is in dire straits planning becomes a central issue but when times are good no one pays attention. It is exactly during the “good times” when one should be careful. It’s along the lines of the tortoise and the hare, I think. When you get too pompous and don’t worry at all, you’re going to get caught off guard with the least expected result.

Rob and I often discuss how our schools don’t teach basic economics. Yes, your senior year of high school you’re required to take Government one semester and Econ the next, but I never learned basic check balancing, how to fill out a tax form, or basic budgeting. I think these things are just as important as knowing how our government and economy are run. In fact, they might be of slightly more importance. I know some schools have a Life Skills class but knowing from my mom who had to teach that class to 9^th graders a few times, these basic economic topics are not covered. Parents and schools need to work together to educate their children. It’s not all on the schools’ shoulders and it’s not all on the parents’. I scoff at those who don’t agree with the notion that “It takes a village to raise a child” but, dammit, it does.

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[1] Los Angeles Times, Sunday, March 28, 2010, B1

[2] Los Angeles Times, Sunday, March 28, 2010, B1.