An All-Around Oddball

01.20.2011

One of Rob’s cousins is having her baby in two months and I was thinking about what it must be like being in your last trimester. I then momentarily put myself in her shoes (as best I could, of course) and thought, “I’d have about 8 weeks left until the baby is born.”

I freaked out. I mean f-r-e-a-k-e-d out with slightly altered breathing. I had to remind myself that I was only conducting a mental exercise. I think I’m probably the only person on the planet that is this terrified of pregnancy and childbirth. I feel like this makes me such a weak individual and that those women who’ve given birth have some sort of a special power for which I got passed over.

I mean, most women can’t wait to a mom. I, obviously, can.

Most women want to be depended on. Just the idea of that makes me cringe.

Most women have a checklist of things they want to accomplish with a family (like have kids, buy a house, kiddie sleepovers, etc). I never made a checklist like that but I certainly have a checklist of the things I want to accomplish.

There are women who can’t stop having babies. I tip-toe around contemplating if I should just have one.

These and other things I’ve observed over the years make me feel inadequate as a woman, like I’m missing some sort of a screw somewhere in the maternal department. I’ve certainly grown more comfortable with the idea of having kids in the last 10 months or so; there’s no argument there. But I still haven’t felt that spark that women talk about. It’s more like, “Well, I’m about to turn 36, if we’re gonna do it, let’s do it.”

Is that any way to start a family?

I sometimes watch the TLC show Say Yes to the Dress and there have been brides who tried on dresses and despite their family and friends saying they look amazing, the brides say they don’t feel that “wow factor” that they say you have to feel when you find a dress that’s “the one.” That’s how I feel on the topic of having kids. I don’t feel that “must-have-a-kid-wow factor.” And I feel like that’s wrong somehow, even makes me feel slightly cheated. Although, thinking back to my own wedding, I was the oddball bride who did not care AT ALL what my dress looked like, all I cared about was that my mom made it. I had the world’s most simple dress because, to me, it wasn’t about the dress. It was about sealing my love, commitment and friendship with Rob.

So there you have it. Odball all around. Sigh…

Pregnancy and Hollywood

01.08.2011

I monitor women in film closely and, in fact, it was a research topic while in grad school only it was women in silent film and how the role of the woman on screen represented real life, if at all.

Hollywood has a history of not being kind to women and when an actress reaches my age, it can be counted on that her star is on its way out. This is unfortunate because by the time one reaches my age, hopefully, one has grown into one's own skin. I remember reading that sentiment in my 20s and not understanding what it meant, cause I thought I was “comfortable” back then, but I wasn’t. Nothing like I am now.

For an actress, I imagine that once you reach a point being comfortable in your own skin, it's at that point when you can really take chances and explore roles. But if Hollywood is finding ways to escort you to the door, how are you able to grow as an artist?

Recently, I read an article in the LA Times (and I’m sorry I didn’t keep it and I can’t find a link) and how women in film are changing Hollywood. My generation broke through more barriers than the previous one and now women in my age group are driving the sales in movies. And what we’re interested in ain’t kiddie, perfect romance movies. Yes, there’s always room for a romantic comedy or tear-jerker drama but what studios are finding is that women want to see women on screen that are more like themselves. As a result, we’re seeing more women in their 40s and 50s getting work and not just getting work, but kicking ass while they’re at it.

This phenomenon is affecting other areas of Hollywood too with women producers, writers and directors. This is fantastic!

What I’m wondering, though, is how the image of a pregnant actress is going to change. I know from my actress girlfriends that a baby is death to a career; no one wants to see it. But I’m wondering if that mentality is changing especially with phenomenal actresses like Natalie Portman being pregnant.

It’s not easy for women, by any means. But I’m happy to see changes however subtle they may be.

The Rooster Slowly Sways

12.26.2010

I had an intense discussion with my mother-in-law about pregnancy, labor and epidurals today. I sense the winds they are a-changing…

Pregnant Belly Photos

12.09.2010

I’m probably a Scrooge but what is this fad of pregnant women taking photos of themselves and their bellies while somewhat naked? I understand that most people consider pregnancy to be beautiful and something to be celebrated, and I can certainly appreciate the art of the photos separate from the subject matter but I don’t know. I just find it a tad bit creepy. There was one photo I saw once where a ribbon was tied around a very pregnant and protruding belly. I raised an eyebrow unsure of what to make of this Dali-esque image in front of me. And hey, Dali’s one of my favorite artists.

I’m not saying a pregnant woman should hide. Hell, I’m learning that pregnant women can keep a sense of fashion. And that’s awesome. But I just don’t want to see flaunting bellies. I don’t find that cute.

I mean, if someone like me were to take a photo like that, I would have jelly rolls hanging off the side of my body AND a big, fat belly. That’s gross. So when I see mainly skinny women taking these photos (and most of them look amazing, beautiful, and still bloody skinny), it makes me relive my insecure teens all over again. Can’t we find other ways to celebrate pregnancy, like with clothes on?

Happy News

12.03.2010

Today I celebrate with my “twin sister” that she and her husband are expecting a girl. I knew it!

Passing the Test

12.02.2010

You know how it is when you make a decision about something, let’s say buying a red Toyota, you start seeing red Toyotas all over the place? For some weird reason, I’ve been thinking a lot about pregnancy and in he past 2 days, pregnant women are popping up all over the place. I know that sounds funny because, uh, where in the world are there not pregnant women…but, it just seems that more of them are crossing my path. Maybe it’s some sort of a conspiracy…

…and I say that only half-jokingly. I believe that the universe sends us “testers” to challenge us to deal with certain issues that we have and the only way to pass the test is to overcome the issue. If anyone’s followed this blog to any capacity, I’m sure it’s easy to pick up the issues I have with pregnancy and, for whatever reason, I’m being forced to confront them now.

There are many hurdles for me to overcome when it comes to pregnancy and not just the issues of weight gain and the inevitable birth. I’ve had to start working on imagining getting pregnant as joyous news and as an exciting journey. This isn’t easy.

Even if I don’t ever get pregnant because of choice or it just doesn’t happen, there are challenges that I need to overcome, certain displaced perceptions about pregnancy that I have and that I need to clear. I’m no stranger to the notion that we govern our lives out of fear and not joy and there are certain fears that I need to work on clearing from my life regardless of whether or not it ends with pregnancy. These fears that I hold on to out of comfort hold me back and I need to let them go and bury them as a part of my past not keep them around as a reality of my present. Once I find a way to do that, the less of a “burden,” I think, will the idea of having a family be.

To Know or Not To Know

11.29.2010

As part of my baby shower conversation with Rob the other day, I asked him if we were expecting a baby, would he want to know the gender. He, of course, did what many men do and immediately returned the question for me to answer first. My answer makes me look insane. I will attempt to explain.

I’m glad that medicine has advanced and that we can find out the sex of a baby because, yes, it helps to know while preparing for baby’s arrival. But, this kind of knowledge, I feel, takes away an element of mystery. I think it’s fun to spend time guessing, partaking in all the old wives tales and games to try and figure it out, to sit and wonder what life would be like with a girl or a boy etc.

I also understand that parents have an option of not finding out so you can keep that element of mystery. But see, this is where I turn the crazy corner. It bothers me that the doctor knows. The doctor becomes the only person on the entire planet who knows the sex of your baby. I feel like no one should know or everyone should know. (See, my “all or nothing” mentality rears its ugly head.) It really irritates me that the doctor would know something about me for 9 months.

Rob, by this point, grew annoyed with me and said, “Fine, we’re finding out then.” So there you have it: A woman’s debate within her multiple personality settled by her husband’s impatience.

We’ll be finding out the sex of a baby should I get pregnant.

Then I can be annoyed for 9 months that there’s no element of mystery.

Imagining Pregnancy

11.18.2010

I met up with an old and good friend last night who’s about 4 months pregnant and one of the most comforting things she could’ve told me was that it’s still hard for her to believe that she’s pregnant. I don’t know why I took such solace in that bit of information but I did. I tried to imagine myself pregnant and couldn’t. In fact, I think if I am ever pregnant I wouldn’t believe it, even with sonograms. I probably wouldn’t believe it until labor when, then, I’d be like, “Holy shit! Are you serious?!” Then, I’d probably recognize that there is a baby inside of me. I tend to compartmentalize my emotions very easily so I can see myself for 9 months acting cool toward the whole thing only to emotionally climax and have a meltdown during labor.

Yeah.

I’d be a mess.

Maternity Clothes Exist for a Reason

11.13.2010

I was walking out of the market the other day and walking in was a very pregnant woman wearing extremely tight yoga-like pants and a tank top that was probably two sizes too small for her. I was grossed out and I don’t know exactly if this was because of her protruding stomach or at her choice of wardrobe that accentuated her protruding stomach. I’m certainly no fashion expert, but I would think that there’s a respectable way to dress. And something tells me that the woman wasn’t coming from yoga or, maybe, let’s say she was, I still don’t think she should’ve worn clothes that looked like they would be too small for her without being pregnant. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. I think women should dress age-appropriate, body-appropriate and certainly pregnancy-appropriate.

Big Belly ≠ Fat

08.05.2010

Today’s realization may not necessarily transform my thinking overnight, but it certainly gives me pause. I was talking today about how I see pregnant women and immediately think, “Glad that’s not me.” During my conversation, I was able to break down that it wasn’t really the fact that a baby is growing inside that makes me uncomfortable as much as what I see as being “fat.” There’s this disconnect in my brain that big belly = fat and not big belly = growing baby.

In addition, I realized that I’ve taken in all the comments from new moms about how the baby takes over your life, how you can’t read a book, how you can’t take a shower, and, at least in the beginning you, as a new mom, how you lose the essence of you who are because you’re so focused on tending to this new baby. So baby makes you look fat, physically takes over your body and completely takes over your life in every which way possible. Just thinking about it overwhelms me.

I was then asked if I thought I would be the only one in the history who would ever feel like that and if I believed that these things would last forever. Of course, I answered, “No.” One of my major problems is that I convince myself that I’m the only one going through something and then I sit in silence suffering or convinced that it’s my lot in my life to go at this alone (whatever it may be). In all honesty, I will occasionally find myself admiring a pregnant woman and take note of how beautiful and put together she may look. Having said that, I think the writing is on the wall. It’s more about my own body image and not really about having a baby at all.

A Little Bit O' Drama Never Hurt

08.04.2010

Breaking news: I really think something is wrong with me. Like, I’m sure I look normal to someone who randomly glances at me. But there’s something off.

I finally made it to the gyno this morning and I shared the waiting room space with a bunch of expectant mothers, children, and one brand new baby. I mean, brand spankin’ new. I felt like an alien because I wanted to run screaming. I can’t help but look at a pregnant woman and think of how odd her body looks. Honestly, I never thought of pregnancy as beautiful or not until Rob mentioned years ago that it freaks him out. So I have inevitably adopted this mentality.

Once in the room and waiting for the doctor, I realized that this vacillation is typical of me. While an undergraduate at SMC, I had 5 different majors; a new one each semester. Making a commitment to something that has to do with the rest of my life is stressful and difficult for me. Rob seems to be the only commitment I never hesitated on. Why can’t the rest of the decisions be this easy?

I knew in 7th grade that I’d major in History and yet, once I hit college, I thought about archeology, anthropology, English literature, and pre-med only to ultimately come back to what I knew since 1987. (I wanted to major in film more than anything else but, well…that’s a long story.)

There are very few things in my life that I treat with pompous production and this is because I grew up with an artist mother and an artist/singer sister. Pompous productions don’t always have to be bad but I err on the side of simplicity. Usually. I suppose I can strive to be as different as I can from my mother…but the apple really doesn’t fall that far from the tree. I apparently like a little bit of drama.

Stay tuned…

Don't Touch the Buddha Belly

07.07.2010

I happened to read a column today written by a guest journalist for the LA Times about her 3^rd trimester pregnancy.[1] In my humble opinion, I don’t think that the column was particularly good or insightful, but she raised an interesting topic that I’ve heard other moms talk about. The belly.

The journalist explained how much she hated people commenting on how “large” she was or that they made gender guesses as one CVS clerk did by exclaiming that she was having a girl because if she were having a boy she’d be “much prettier.” Her quip back at the clerk was, “How do you know I’m not always this ugly?” That’s smart, I thought. Better than what I would’ve come up with. (The journalist had a boy.)

I’ve heard that women hate their bellies being touched or commented on. The touching thing I can get because I think it’s just rude to go up to someone and start touching them. I don’t really do that with people that I know much less strangers. I have to feel ultra comfortable with someone to pat him/her on the shoulder, hand or whatever. Part of me thinks this might have to do with being a teacher where you’re strongly discouraged from touching children by any means unless they come up to you and you’re in the vicinity of other adults. But then, I'm generally not a touchy-feely kind of person.

So those of you who have been pregnant, what say you? What do you deem acceptable behaviour from the public towards your pregnancy and what do you consider unacceptable? What about friends and family?

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[1] Brodesser-Akner, Taffy “Quiet! Baby on Board,” Los Angeles Times, Wednesday, July 7, 2010, A13.

Terminology

05.22.2010

We all have our pet peeves. This is one of mine: the phrase “We Are Pregnant.”

No, “WE are not pregnant.” A woman is pregnant. WE are expecting a child in blah-blah-blah months.

Jillian Michaels: Pregnancy Comment

04.26.2010

I got really angry to find out that Jillian Michaels, formerly on The Biggest Loser and now a weight trainer, got criticized for making a comment about not wanting to ever be pregnant for what it will do to her body. She apparently is so obsessed with health and the image of her body that she doesn’t want to become pregnant because of how it will alter her body and so she plans to adopt instead.

Psychologists attacked her, among others, for putting the idea in women’s minds that it’s bad to be pregnant and blah-blah-blah and they’re afraid her comment is going to give women the wrong idea about pregnancy.

Oh, my…first of all, I totally know where she’s coming from. Having struggled with weight my entire life, I’m gonna have to work quadrupally hard to take off the excess weight I will gain from being pregnant. It’s very difficult looking at women that I know are naturally skinny, go through multiple pregnancies never looking like they’ve gained more than 10 lbs. and then end up looking BETTER post-pregnancy than they did before.

I mean, seriously, how the hell is that humanly possible? It's very difficult to remind myself that we're all different. I have to tap into very deeply hidden parts of me to keep the zen on.

So, I get what Jillian Michaels is saying and anyone who criticizes her for that comment doesn’t have a weight problem.

But more than anything, can we please focus on the fact that she wants to adopt? Why can’t we bring the spotlight to THAT? Not everyone needs to be pregnant and I know of thousands, millions even, of children who need good, loving homes. Everyone’s afraid of adoption because “you don’t know what you’re gonna get.”

Please. Do you really know “what” you’re gonna get with your own biological child? No, really, do you? Everything’s a gamble and nothing is definitive. If you’re able to provide a loving home and have the finances (mind you, adoption is the ONLY time when the finances of a family are considered; interesting, huh?) and you have the space in your home…why not?

Pregnancy: The Weight Issue

03.17.2010

I wonder how other women feel about the very fact that we’re the one who has to carry a baby for 9 months, gain weight, deal with an even more amount of hormones, and give birth. I understand that there’s no other way around that but it still irks me. Especially the gaining weight part. It’s difficult for me to imagine why some women say they love being pregnant. I see nothing attractive about it. I mean, sure, the ability to grow a life inside of you and actually feel the changes, I would imagine is kinda spectacular, but it’s still not enough to have me jump up and down in joy. I guess maybe something clicks inside of you and that part of you that “doesn’t care” kicks in because you’re totally giving of yourself to let this little being grow. But, it gives me pause.

I’ve had weight issues my entire life. There’s never been a time when it wasn’t in the foreground of my life and I’ve been on some kind of a diet since the age of 9. Since 2003, thanks to the awesomeness of Weight Watchers, I’ve been able to keep most of the weight off but I’m still about 15 lbs over my goal weight (that I reached in 2004 for, like, 2 minutes before I started going up the scale again). I’m slowly creeping down again and I’m absolutely freaking out in my mind about having to gain that weight back. I’ve already talked to a doctor about it and she told me that it’s actually possible to lose weight while pregnant. I also recently learned that for the weight that I’m supposed to be, I should only gain up to 25 lbs. This bit of info actually made me feel a little better because it would bring me to where I am now. If I got pregnant today and gained 25 lbs. it would put me pretty much to where I was when I joined WW and that freaks me out.

People tell me that you have to gain weight for the baby. Well, for someone with my issues, that’s easier said than done. I don’t know how I’m going to reconcile this issue of weight with pregnancy. I really don’t. I see women who are obese or grossly overweight getting pregnant left right and center and it terrifies me. It terrifies me for their health and for what they’re doing their baby. The bad habits that the mother has will transfer over to the child because we are a product of our environment. And given that both Rob and I (and our extended families) have similar issues with food and weight, I just feel like it’s going to constantly be an uphill battle. Just one more issue on my shoulders. How do women (with food/weight issues) handle this?