A Yo-Yo Kind of Life

11.19.2010

I know I’ve mentioned before the issues that I have with my weight and though I’m not where I was eight years ago or thirteen years ago or seventeen years ago (the time periods I was extremely heavy), it’s still a constant, daily struggle. What comes naturally to skinny people, like taking two bites of food and eating no more, is war to me. I have to continuously monitor my need for food. Do I want to eat as a matter of actual hunger or because of an emotional instability? Every day, sometimes every hour, I have to ask myself a series of questions, haggling and negotiating like with a small child. It’s bloody exhausting.

Since July, I have been on one of two patterns: one week lose, 2^nd week lose, 3^rd week gain. The next week lose, 2^nd week lose, 3^rd week gain. Or it’s been: one week gain, 2^nd week lose, 3^rd week gain, etc. Since 2005, I’ve been battling different health issues that, I strongly suspect, are contributing to this hamster wheel I’m on. I’ve been to doctors, I’ve had tests, and nothing irregular comes up. Getting older sucks.

This raises the issue that I hear a lot from parents who wait until they’re older to have kids: You lack energy.

I’m already having trouble maintaining whatever energy I have to do what I need to do when it comes to exercise and keeping up with my crazy schedule, and I struggle with the weight I’m at. I’m so afraid of being worse off physically especially when it comes to my health because of what having a child demands. My mom used to be a health-nut when I was little but by the time my sister was born all of that went out the window and we turned to fast food because of its convenience. I’m so afraid of choosing the easy road and losing my convictions because I feel overwhelmed. Then those feelings make me turn to food for consolation and instant gratification. Then this, of course, would set a horrible example to the child that would impress upon me even more guilt.

Ugh! What’s the point? Maybe only naturally skinny people should have kids.

Big Belly ≠ Fat

08.05.2010

Today’s realization may not necessarily transform my thinking overnight, but it certainly gives me pause. I was talking today about how I see pregnant women and immediately think, “Glad that’s not me.” During my conversation, I was able to break down that it wasn’t really the fact that a baby is growing inside that makes me uncomfortable as much as what I see as being “fat.” There’s this disconnect in my brain that big belly = fat and not big belly = growing baby.

In addition, I realized that I’ve taken in all the comments from new moms about how the baby takes over your life, how you can’t read a book, how you can’t take a shower, and, at least in the beginning you, as a new mom, how you lose the essence of you who are because you’re so focused on tending to this new baby. So baby makes you look fat, physically takes over your body and completely takes over your life in every which way possible. Just thinking about it overwhelms me.

I was then asked if I thought I would be the only one in the history who would ever feel like that and if I believed that these things would last forever. Of course, I answered, “No.” One of my major problems is that I convince myself that I’m the only one going through something and then I sit in silence suffering or convinced that it’s my lot in my life to go at this alone (whatever it may be). In all honesty, I will occasionally find myself admiring a pregnant woman and take note of how beautiful and put together she may look. Having said that, I think the writing is on the wall. It’s more about my own body image and not really about having a baby at all.

I Just Can't See It That Way

08.02.2010

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before but one of my personal challenges is my weight. I’ve been doing Weight Watchers since 2003 and I met my goal weight in January of 2005 and remained at that goal for about 5 minutes. Since then I’ve been creeping up and after last week, I’m the heaviest I’ve been since 2004 although I'm still far from where I was when I first walked through those doors to join. To spin this into a positive, it has been 6 years since I’ve been this weight and that’s what I should focus on. But I’m human and I’m me. So I won’t.

I’m so tired of weight being a problem. I’m so tired of having to write down what I eat. I’m so tired of having to portion control. I’m so tired of forcing myself to make the right decision when all I want is a chocolate chip cookie. I’m so tired of the daily emotional battle that in of itself can physically fatigue me. I’m so tired of not being able to fit into my clothes. I’m so tired of hating myself. I’m just. So. Tired.

Most people think I’m crazy when I tell them I’m petrified of gaining weight during pregnancy. The response is “But it’s a baby growing inside of you.” “Yes,” I tell them. “But all my brain registers is that the number on the scale is going up.” Food addiction, like any kind of an addiction, is a curse that never goes away. You can curb it, but its shadow is always nearby reminding you of its hooks in you.

So today I found an article that breaks down the weight gain and why there even is weight gain. I’m not saying I’m necessarily comfortable with the information but I’m putting it together so that if anyone else has the same problem, we can refer to the article and/or the list and (at least try to) convince ourselves that it’s all going to be OK and that it is possible to lose the gained weight. Even if it means having to lose it again.[1]

If baby weighs in at 7-8 lbs, here’s what accounts for the rest of a pregnancy's weight gain:

• Baby = 7-8 lbs
• Larger breasts = 1-3 lbs.
• Larger uterus = 2 lbs.
• Placenta = 1.5 lbs.
• Amniotic Fluid = 2 lbs.
• Increased blood volume = 3-4 lbs.
• Increased fluid volume = 3-4 lbs.
• Fat stores = 6-8 lbs.

[1] http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pregnancy-weight-gain/PR00111

Jillian Michaels: Pregnancy Comment

04.26.2010

I got really angry to find out that Jillian Michaels, formerly on The Biggest Loser and now a weight trainer, got criticized for making a comment about not wanting to ever be pregnant for what it will do to her body. She apparently is so obsessed with health and the image of her body that she doesn’t want to become pregnant because of how it will alter her body and so she plans to adopt instead.

Psychologists attacked her, among others, for putting the idea in women’s minds that it’s bad to be pregnant and blah-blah-blah and they’re afraid her comment is going to give women the wrong idea about pregnancy.

Oh, my…first of all, I totally know where she’s coming from. Having struggled with weight my entire life, I’m gonna have to work quadrupally hard to take off the excess weight I will gain from being pregnant. It’s very difficult looking at women that I know are naturally skinny, go through multiple pregnancies never looking like they’ve gained more than 10 lbs. and then end up looking BETTER post-pregnancy than they did before.

I mean, seriously, how the hell is that humanly possible? It's very difficult to remind myself that we're all different. I have to tap into very deeply hidden parts of me to keep the zen on.

So, I get what Jillian Michaels is saying and anyone who criticizes her for that comment doesn’t have a weight problem.

But more than anything, can we please focus on the fact that she wants to adopt? Why can’t we bring the spotlight to THAT? Not everyone needs to be pregnant and I know of thousands, millions even, of children who need good, loving homes. Everyone’s afraid of adoption because “you don’t know what you’re gonna get.”

Please. Do you really know “what” you’re gonna get with your own biological child? No, really, do you? Everything’s a gamble and nothing is definitive. If you’re able to provide a loving home and have the finances (mind you, adoption is the ONLY time when the finances of a family are considered; interesting, huh?) and you have the space in your home…why not?

Pregnancy: The Weight Issue

03.17.2010

I wonder how other women feel about the very fact that we’re the one who has to carry a baby for 9 months, gain weight, deal with an even more amount of hormones, and give birth. I understand that there’s no other way around that but it still irks me. Especially the gaining weight part. It’s difficult for me to imagine why some women say they love being pregnant. I see nothing attractive about it. I mean, sure, the ability to grow a life inside of you and actually feel the changes, I would imagine is kinda spectacular, but it’s still not enough to have me jump up and down in joy. I guess maybe something clicks inside of you and that part of you that “doesn’t care” kicks in because you’re totally giving of yourself to let this little being grow. But, it gives me pause.

I’ve had weight issues my entire life. There’s never been a time when it wasn’t in the foreground of my life and I’ve been on some kind of a diet since the age of 9. Since 2003, thanks to the awesomeness of Weight Watchers, I’ve been able to keep most of the weight off but I’m still about 15 lbs over my goal weight (that I reached in 2004 for, like, 2 minutes before I started going up the scale again). I’m slowly creeping down again and I’m absolutely freaking out in my mind about having to gain that weight back. I’ve already talked to a doctor about it and she told me that it’s actually possible to lose weight while pregnant. I also recently learned that for the weight that I’m supposed to be, I should only gain up to 25 lbs. This bit of info actually made me feel a little better because it would bring me to where I am now. If I got pregnant today and gained 25 lbs. it would put me pretty much to where I was when I joined WW and that freaks me out.

People tell me that you have to gain weight for the baby. Well, for someone with my issues, that’s easier said than done. I don’t know how I’m going to reconcile this issue of weight with pregnancy. I really don’t. I see women who are obese or grossly overweight getting pregnant left right and center and it terrifies me. It terrifies me for their health and for what they’re doing their baby. The bad habits that the mother has will transfer over to the child because we are a product of our environment. And given that both Rob and I (and our extended families) have similar issues with food and weight, I just feel like it’s going to constantly be an uphill battle. Just one more issue on my shoulders. How do women (with food/weight issues) handle this?