Staying True

01.09.2011

There really isn’t anything like doing something that you love. I spent the day working on a creative project…or rather, working on some promotional material for a creative project with the help of a group of people. When you find yourself with a group of creative souls and see projects moving forward, it’s so gratifying. Perhaps one day I might be able to make a living off of this.

But whatever may come, I hope to keep these projects as a high priority should we have a kid. It’s important to have an outlet where you do something you love. A child would make it difficult for me to work on such projects like I did today but I would shrivel up and die inside were I to stop. I’d have to make it work somehow. I would just have to. Besides, I’d feel like I’m cheating my child out of a proper example of staying true to yourself and your dreams.

Trees and Their Fruit

12.14.2010

The apple truly doesn’t fall far from the tree.

What kind of a tree are you?

A Yo-Yo Kind of Life

11.19.2010

I know I’ve mentioned before the issues that I have with my weight and though I’m not where I was eight years ago or thirteen years ago or seventeen years ago (the time periods I was extremely heavy), it’s still a constant, daily struggle. What comes naturally to skinny people, like taking two bites of food and eating no more, is war to me. I have to continuously monitor my need for food. Do I want to eat as a matter of actual hunger or because of an emotional instability? Every day, sometimes every hour, I have to ask myself a series of questions, haggling and negotiating like with a small child. It’s bloody exhausting.

Since July, I have been on one of two patterns: one week lose, 2^nd week lose, 3^rd week gain. The next week lose, 2^nd week lose, 3^rd week gain. Or it’s been: one week gain, 2^nd week lose, 3^rd week gain, etc. Since 2005, I’ve been battling different health issues that, I strongly suspect, are contributing to this hamster wheel I’m on. I’ve been to doctors, I’ve had tests, and nothing irregular comes up. Getting older sucks.

This raises the issue that I hear a lot from parents who wait until they’re older to have kids: You lack energy.

I’m already having trouble maintaining whatever energy I have to do what I need to do when it comes to exercise and keeping up with my crazy schedule, and I struggle with the weight I’m at. I’m so afraid of being worse off physically especially when it comes to my health because of what having a child demands. My mom used to be a health-nut when I was little but by the time my sister was born all of that went out the window and we turned to fast food because of its convenience. I’m so afraid of choosing the easy road and losing my convictions because I feel overwhelmed. Then those feelings make me turn to food for consolation and instant gratification. Then this, of course, would set a horrible example to the child that would impress upon me even more guilt.

Ugh! What’s the point? Maybe only naturally skinny people should have kids.