Congratulations! You're a Dad, Now What?

05.13.2010

I’d like to depart from my usual rants about the difficulties that women face when having children and how much more difficult the choices are for women. I still stand by my beliefs, but I want to step away from them for a change and take a look at the man’s role in all of this (assuming he sticks around).

There’s another Rice Krispy commercial out there, though this time with a father and his two children where the three of them make rice krispy treats. Pushing aside the emotions about not being able to relate (to doing an activity with a father), I found myself grateful that a commercial as such exists. I don’t think there are enough shows, commercials, ads, etc. that focus on fathers “taking care” of children. Men are stereotyped as being the financial providers and protectors and are often depicted as being absent so when a father does take an active role in child raising we tend to praise him and put him on a pedestal. This shouldn’t be the case and it shouldn’t “shock” us when a father spends time with his child/ren. What should “shock” us is when the father is absent in the raising of the child.

The other thing that I don’t think gets addressed – and I’m guilty of this too – is how much pressure having family does put on a man. I’ve seen countless scenarios play out over the past 15 years. I’ve seen men who don’t want children find themselves with a family and resenting it because they envisioned their life to be a certain way and their world gets turned upside down. I’ve seen men who only want one child but the woman insists on having more and, many children later, the soul of the man has been chipped away. I’ve seen men who do want children but have to work all the time to be able to sustain the family and, therefore, don’t get to spend that much time with the kids. In all these scenarios, the stresses of life put so much pressure on the parents and, as a result, the relationships with all family members suffered.

These are all examples of how there really are no guarantees in life. Men have fears, concerns and wishes, and I wonder how much of our society allows for them to express these emotions. No one is completely ready for a child and I don’t think enough people are aware that a man is the last person to be ready for a child. Pregnancy and all baby-related issues are so focused on the mother that I can see how the man gets shuffled to the back. A woman has 9 months to prepare emotionally (if not her entire life up to that point) and, for all that time, all the attention is on her. But I wonder what the attitude is for men. Is it as simple as “As long as the woman is happy then so am I”? Or do they really have genuine fears and concerns that don’t get addressed?

Children and Insecurities

03.05.10

On my way down to class this morning, I was listening to the radio and every day the radio personality has people write him e-mails describing a particular problem and then callers call in with their advice. Today’s e-mail was about a woman who’s 11-year old was climbing into bed with her. How appropriate to my topic! I was appalled at some, uh, check that, most of the callers’ advice. They were encouraging the woman to let her son continue sleeping with her because he’s going to be a teenager soon and will want nothing to do with her. I got so involved with the topic that I must’ve looked funny to the drivers next to me, gesticulating and yelling at the radio. Although, on second thought, I probably looked like I was talking on the phone.

I think it’s so bad that so many parents take their own personal issues and bestow these issues on to their children. Afraid to be alone? Afraid of trying new things? Anal retentive? Have bouts with depression? Children pick up on ALL of this. They take on our fears, our concerns, our hopes, our dreams. I know this from personal experience. Whenever my mom worried, so did I. It’s healthy to have a little bit of worry, but I’m so sick of parents not letting their children experience the world for themselves.

And I can just hear and see it now. People rolling their eyes throwing out “You just don’t understand. You don’t have kids. It’s different.” Well, I had a mother who was very protective of me. And wanting to protect your children from the world is natural, of course; it’s instinctual. But I argue that most people let that be masked by their own fears of the world. In other words, “If I just protect my child from harm, emotional insecurity, and the world in general, then nothing bad with happen to him/her.” And all that’s doing is taking your own insecurities and transferring them to your child.

One of the best words of wisdom I got from a former co-worker when we were talking about raising children was the following: We are not meant to rear children as if we will be with them for the rest of their life. From the moment the child is born it is our responsibility to teach them how to be independent.

I can’t stress enough how much in line that is with my philosophy. Sure, I don’t know what it’s like to see my little one off to kindergarten for the first time or witness the child that I birthed break a body part for the first time. I can imagine that a first time parent going through such experiences freaks out to some capacity. Lord knows that if I ever get to such milestones I might be the worst of the bunch. But I will always (try to) remind myself that I am to teach this little human being how to be self-sufficient from the get co. And sleeping with me, at any age (except for maybe as a newborn) is not going to reinforce that lesson. I don’t care how many eyeballs roll at me for that one. I am vehemently against children sleeping with their parents. You need your space, that child needs his/her space, and, let’s face it, you need space and time with your spouse. And your child needs to learn to respect that. I think the minute you let that child dictate your emotions you start letting go of who you are as an individual and you start letting go of your relationship with your spouse. No one said marriage is easy and no one said being a parent is easy. But if you choose to do either and/or both then you have to be willing to work at both without sacrificing yourself. What good is it to your child if you forget who you are as an individual and as a couple with your spouse?