Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability Video

02.11.2011

This video was sent to me today and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The speaker mainly talks about fear and vulnerability and gives suggestions on living a more fulfilling life, but she mentions certain things about parenthood and raising children that I find essential for all to keep in mind. I have many favorite quotes that I could share from this presentation but I will leave you with only one: Have the courage to be imperfect.

Enjoy!

(Don’t be warded up by its 20-minute length. It’s informative and entertaining.)

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

An All-Around Oddball

01.20.2011

One of Rob’s cousins is having her baby in two months and I was thinking about what it must be like being in your last trimester. I then momentarily put myself in her shoes (as best I could, of course) and thought, “I’d have about 8 weeks left until the baby is born.”

I freaked out. I mean f-r-e-a-k-e-d out with slightly altered breathing. I had to remind myself that I was only conducting a mental exercise. I think I’m probably the only person on the planet that is this terrified of pregnancy and childbirth. I feel like this makes me such a weak individual and that those women who’ve given birth have some sort of a special power for which I got passed over.

I mean, most women can’t wait to a mom. I, obviously, can.

Most women want to be depended on. Just the idea of that makes me cringe.

Most women have a checklist of things they want to accomplish with a family (like have kids, buy a house, kiddie sleepovers, etc). I never made a checklist like that but I certainly have a checklist of the things I want to accomplish.

There are women who can’t stop having babies. I tip-toe around contemplating if I should just have one.

These and other things I’ve observed over the years make me feel inadequate as a woman, like I’m missing some sort of a screw somewhere in the maternal department. I’ve certainly grown more comfortable with the idea of having kids in the last 10 months or so; there’s no argument there. But I still haven’t felt that spark that women talk about. It’s more like, “Well, I’m about to turn 36, if we’re gonna do it, let’s do it.”

Is that any way to start a family?

I sometimes watch the TLC show Say Yes to the Dress and there have been brides who tried on dresses and despite their family and friends saying they look amazing, the brides say they don’t feel that “wow factor” that they say you have to feel when you find a dress that’s “the one.” That’s how I feel on the topic of having kids. I don’t feel that “must-have-a-kid-wow factor.” And I feel like that’s wrong somehow, even makes me feel slightly cheated. Although, thinking back to my own wedding, I was the oddball bride who did not care AT ALL what my dress looked like, all I cared about was that my mom made it. I had the world’s most simple dress because, to me, it wasn’t about the dress. It was about sealing my love, commitment and friendship with Rob.

So there you have it. Odball all around. Sigh…

It Still Creeps In

11.07.2010

Today, I have nothing interesting to say. I was at home for the entire day working on a creative project that entailed me to turn our living room and kitchen upside down. I must say that I have the world’s most understanding husband. As he left this morning, I apologized for the mess and he replied lovingly, “That’s OK. Such is my bohemian life.” This made me love him all the more because, as I state in my “About Me” profile, there is never a dull moment with me, with the next whirlwind adventure always hovering around the corner.

But, to all this to kids… I’m exhausted. I’ve had about 8 hours of sleep since Friday and the entirety of what was last week kept me scrambling to catch up with time, which I failed to do. I have a number of projects going on at the same time and, though I’m not complaining, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be able to be half as busy with the kinds of things I love to do were we to have a kid. Everything is a give and take, yes, sure, and I know I’ve explored that. But I’m so scared that a child will take away opportunities for me to do the kinds of projects like what I did today. It’s that fear creeping in all over again…

Bullying

06.29.2010

While waiting at the doctor’s office this morning, I picked up a Parenting magazine to find inspiration for today’s topic and, lo and behold, there it was: bullying.

I have no solution to this growing problem and am of the opinion that its root lies somewhere in the notion that bullies exist because of a) a reaction to a situation at home (like abuse or neglect that’s either between parents or parent-child) or b) low self-esteem that’s most likely a result of letter “a.”

Off the top of my head, I want to say that I don’t remember being bullied or know someone who was bullied while growing up. But, upon deeper thought, that’s not true. There was a girl in my class in junior high who was constantly picked on and I remember once or twice participating in that activity only to feel horrible afterwards. As a result, I tried to consciously not pick on her although I don’t think I ever stood up for her either which, in my book, isn’t much better.

But karma is a bitch because I experienced a bully in my last place of full-time employment. And karma is a real bitch because sexual harassment was tacked onto that bill as well. My (female) boss was the bully and would harass us with detailed stories of all her sexual escapades and/or desires, which, I must say, was part of some of the most uncomfortable situations I’ve ever had to endure. Why didn’t we complain? There was no HR and the president of our small non-profit was an even bigger bully who, at an office meeting, told us that if she heard of just one complaint coming from any of us that she’d kick our “asses so far from the curb that we [wouldn’t] know what hit us or what State we [were] in.” Why didn’t any of sue? Those two women have an enormous amount of wealth and powerful attorneys behind them that after I saw what they did to my friend and co-worker who sued on another issue, their (bullying) actions made me personally too scared to sue. (And this with a lawyer husband.)

As a result, I’ve read countless articles on bullying in the office and schools and the solutions always seem so easy. But with children committing suicide, for example, we can’t ignore the fact that all of this is easier said than done especially when many times the bully is encouraged by the parent, an adult.

I sometimes take a more philosophical and spiritual argument that those who bully are lonely individuals seeking out love and acceptance and we should feel sorry for them. But it’s difficult to remember this when you are going through the pain of being bullied or watching someone close to you go through it. It’s a tragedy when kids have to experience getting picked on and, according to the article I read today, bullying is occurring to children as young as three.

I wonder if, as an adult who’s experienced bullying herself, I have no solutions and believe all the experts don’t offer realistic, retaliation-proof solutions, how can I or anyone else help combat bullying? No one should have to be scared to go to work or go to school especially a little kid whose main goal in life shouldn’t have to be figuring out reasons to not go to school. Yes, painful experiences make us tougher but there’s plenty of time in one’s life to thicken the skin. This is one instance where starting early isn’t ideal.

Pregnancy Cubed

09.06.2010

In this past week, I found out that three women whom I know are pregnant, two of whom are family members. I found out about two of the pregnancies in one conversation within minutes of each other and, though I’m thrilled for all three women, I kind of felt blindsided.

I feel like everyone around me is getting older, making rational decisions, buying homes, having children, and I’m still lost in the wilderness waiting to get the memo.

In addition to feeling blindsided, I felt…sad. For myself. I’m sure all three women are feeling an array of emotions and I don’t know the details of their planning process (except for one), but I felt sorry for myself because it wasn’t me with the news. (Keep reading, I bet what I’m about to say isn’t what you’re expecting.)

I don’t want to be pregnant and then relay the news to everyone. What I want is the confidence that these women have in the decision to have kids. This lack of confidence cuts on a deeper level every time I hear that someone I know is pregnant. I’m not saying that these women are not scared or aren’t worried (and I honestly am thrilled for them), but they made a decision and they forged onward. This is what I don’t have and this is what makes me sad.

Tears, Chocolate and Letting Go

09.02.2010

Ever have one of those days where the tears just roll down your cheeks? You cry because you can’t open the jar of peanut butter and the chocolate is getting lonely. You cry because a bad driver cut you off and he’ll never know. Then you cry because you’re crying and you’re an adult not a three-year old that then makes you cry even harder because you’ve just compared yourself to a three-year old. Well, I had one of those days.

If my thought bubbles were ever seen, there’d be much confusion, but there would be one that would be clearly seen: I am scared.

Scared of what?

You name it. Spiders, bugs, flying, losing control, having too much control and not living my life, part of my past catching up with me…having a kid…

There’s a woman that I know who chose to never have kids because she was terrified of what it would do to her body/figure. How shallow! I thought. And to let fear dictate you like that...

But looking into the mirror, I ask, how different am I? One of the main reasons I don’t want kids is because of fear. Fear of making mistakes. Fear of losing myself. Fear of losing touch with my husband. Fear of losing my freedom. Fear of regret.

I spewed all these images of fear to someone who then replied, “There are things you’ll give up, yes. But there are things you’ll gain too.”

I know that when one door closes, another one opens. I understand that something has to be given up in order to gain another. Yes, there are moments where I miss being single but would I give up my husband in order to be single all the time? No. I may miss what I now see as the “carefree” days of my teens and early 20s, but would I go back to that time? No.

Kids are a risk and there’s no guarantee. But so is getting in a car and driving across town. So is marriage. So is life. The only guarantee is that there is no guarantee. When I look to all other aspects of my life, I apply this so much more readily. In fact, I welcome it. I like that I have to unravel the mysteries that come my way and be surprised. Why is it so difficult to apply this same strategy to having kids?

Perhaps today’s tears weren’t so much about the fear of what’s to come but more about the fear of one day needing to let go of the only life I’ve ever known.

Congratulations! You're a Dad, Now What?

05.13.2010

I’d like to depart from my usual rants about the difficulties that women face when having children and how much more difficult the choices are for women. I still stand by my beliefs, but I want to step away from them for a change and take a look at the man’s role in all of this (assuming he sticks around).

There’s another Rice Krispy commercial out there, though this time with a father and his two children where the three of them make rice krispy treats. Pushing aside the emotions about not being able to relate (to doing an activity with a father), I found myself grateful that a commercial as such exists. I don’t think there are enough shows, commercials, ads, etc. that focus on fathers “taking care” of children. Men are stereotyped as being the financial providers and protectors and are often depicted as being absent so when a father does take an active role in child raising we tend to praise him and put him on a pedestal. This shouldn’t be the case and it shouldn’t “shock” us when a father spends time with his child/ren. What should “shock” us is when the father is absent in the raising of the child.

The other thing that I don’t think gets addressed – and I’m guilty of this too – is how much pressure having family does put on a man. I’ve seen countless scenarios play out over the past 15 years. I’ve seen men who don’t want children find themselves with a family and resenting it because they envisioned their life to be a certain way and their world gets turned upside down. I’ve seen men who only want one child but the woman insists on having more and, many children later, the soul of the man has been chipped away. I’ve seen men who do want children but have to work all the time to be able to sustain the family and, therefore, don’t get to spend that much time with the kids. In all these scenarios, the stresses of life put so much pressure on the parents and, as a result, the relationships with all family members suffered.

These are all examples of how there really are no guarantees in life. Men have fears, concerns and wishes, and I wonder how much of our society allows for them to express these emotions. No one is completely ready for a child and I don’t think enough people are aware that a man is the last person to be ready for a child. Pregnancy and all baby-related issues are so focused on the mother that I can see how the man gets shuffled to the back. A woman has 9 months to prepare emotionally (if not her entire life up to that point) and, for all that time, all the attention is on her. But I wonder what the attitude is for men. Is it as simple as “As long as the woman is happy then so am I”? Or do they really have genuine fears and concerns that don’t get addressed?

Childbirth and Rollercoasters

03.18.2010

I was watching the TLC show titled A Baby Story and I wish I didn’t intellectualize everything. It can be exhausting!

[Just a side note, TLC should rename their station TES, The Exploitation Station. (Idea courtesy of Rob.)]

Pregnancy fascinates me, terrifies me and repulses me all at the same time. I feel the same way when I’ve cut myself deeply. I acknowledge that what I’m about to say is going to sound completely bizarre but I feel like the woman kind of gets robbed by not being able to see the baby come out of her. Everyone stands there staring at her but the woman doesn’t get to see. I suppose she could ask for a mirror, but I doubt that’s on a woman’s mind at that moment. And I guess while giving birth you don’t really care to see something like that. It’s just something that’s crossed my mind; weird, I know.

I’ve witnessed a childbirth before and I found the entire event to by a beautiful experience. Hearing the first breath a child takes touched my heart in a way I could’ve never imagined and watching the parents cradle their new addition, welcoming him into the world, was wonderful. It’s hard to describe and, I guess, it’s one of those things I shouldn’t try to intellectualize. It’s definitely emotional.

Just like when watching that show. I often find myself welling up with the mother after she gave birth. Why does that happen? I’m, by nature, not an emotional person and I’m constantly surprised at this. I don’t know these people on TV. Other than the 14 minutes or so, I haven’t really entered their lives, know their history, or carry any loyalty to them. And yet, there I am, wiping tears as they hold their newborn.

I sometimes play a game with myself and imagine myself in the birthing room and then I feel the onset of a panic attack. The only thing I can compare it to is a roller coaster. I don’t like them and the only kinds I can kind of deal with are the ones at Disneyland. Splash Mountain is always the worst for me. I enjoy it all the way up until that last hill that you climb. My palms get clammy and I start thinking, “Why did I do this? I hate this. Get me out of here!” The top is the worst when you see the whole park in that split second before you drop; it’s kind of like I’ve peaked in a moment of insanity, then I put my head down and scream. Once at the bottom, I look up, laugh, and think about how much fun that was and I find myself entertaining the idea of doing it again.

So in the fantastical world that is my imagination, that’s how I see myself giving birth. “Why did I do this? I hate this. Get me out of here!” Except…the “ride” is longer than 3 minutes, the climb up that last hill can take hours and it’s extremely painful.[1] Why do women do this over and over? I suppose you take the risk that, like once at the bottom of Splash Mountain, you find that the ride may have been bumpy and, at times, scary, the overall experience was worth it because it provided more pleasure than anything else.

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[1] I’ll address the issue of an epidural tomorrow.

Children and Insecurities

03.05.10

On my way down to class this morning, I was listening to the radio and every day the radio personality has people write him e-mails describing a particular problem and then callers call in with their advice. Today’s e-mail was about a woman who’s 11-year old was climbing into bed with her. How appropriate to my topic! I was appalled at some, uh, check that, most of the callers’ advice. They were encouraging the woman to let her son continue sleeping with her because he’s going to be a teenager soon and will want nothing to do with her. I got so involved with the topic that I must’ve looked funny to the drivers next to me, gesticulating and yelling at the radio. Although, on second thought, I probably looked like I was talking on the phone.

I think it’s so bad that so many parents take their own personal issues and bestow these issues on to their children. Afraid to be alone? Afraid of trying new things? Anal retentive? Have bouts with depression? Children pick up on ALL of this. They take on our fears, our concerns, our hopes, our dreams. I know this from personal experience. Whenever my mom worried, so did I. It’s healthy to have a little bit of worry, but I’m so sick of parents not letting their children experience the world for themselves.

And I can just hear and see it now. People rolling their eyes throwing out “You just don’t understand. You don’t have kids. It’s different.” Well, I had a mother who was very protective of me. And wanting to protect your children from the world is natural, of course; it’s instinctual. But I argue that most people let that be masked by their own fears of the world. In other words, “If I just protect my child from harm, emotional insecurity, and the world in general, then nothing bad with happen to him/her.” And all that’s doing is taking your own insecurities and transferring them to your child.

One of the best words of wisdom I got from a former co-worker when we were talking about raising children was the following: We are not meant to rear children as if we will be with them for the rest of their life. From the moment the child is born it is our responsibility to teach them how to be independent.

I can’t stress enough how much in line that is with my philosophy. Sure, I don’t know what it’s like to see my little one off to kindergarten for the first time or witness the child that I birthed break a body part for the first time. I can imagine that a first time parent going through such experiences freaks out to some capacity. Lord knows that if I ever get to such milestones I might be the worst of the bunch. But I will always (try to) remind myself that I am to teach this little human being how to be self-sufficient from the get co. And sleeping with me, at any age (except for maybe as a newborn) is not going to reinforce that lesson. I don’t care how many eyeballs roll at me for that one. I am vehemently against children sleeping with their parents. You need your space, that child needs his/her space, and, let’s face it, you need space and time with your spouse. And your child needs to learn to respect that. I think the minute you let that child dictate your emotions you start letting go of who you are as an individual and you start letting go of your relationship with your spouse. No one said marriage is easy and no one said being a parent is easy. But if you choose to do either and/or both then you have to be willing to work at both without sacrificing yourself. What good is it to your child if you forget who you are as an individual and as a couple with your spouse?