03.05.10
On my way down to class this morning, I was listening to the radio and every day the radio personality has people write him e-mails describing a particular problem and then callers call in with their advice. Today’s e-mail was about a woman who’s 11-year old was climbing into bed with her. How appropriate to my topic! I was appalled at some, uh, check that, most of the callers’ advice. They were encouraging the woman to let her son continue sleeping with her because he’s going to be a teenager soon and will want nothing to do with her. I got so involved with the topic that I must’ve looked funny to the drivers next to me, gesticulating and yelling at the radio. Although, on second thought, I probably looked like I was talking on the phone.
I think it’s so bad that so many parents take their own personal issues and bestow these issues on to their children. Afraid to be alone? Afraid of trying new things? Anal retentive? Have bouts with depression? Children pick up on ALL of this. They take on our fears, our concerns, our hopes, our dreams. I know this from personal experience. Whenever my mom worried, so did I. It’s healthy to have a little bit of worry, but I’m so sick of parents not letting their children experience the world for themselves.
And I can just hear and see it now. People rolling their eyes throwing out “You just don’t understand. You don’t have kids. It’s different.” Well, I had a mother who was very protective of me. And wanting to protect your children from the world is natural, of course; it’s instinctual. But I argue that most people let that be masked by their own fears of the world. In other words, “If I just protect my child from harm, emotional insecurity, and the world in general, then nothing bad with happen to him/her.” And all that’s doing is taking your own insecurities and transferring them to your child.
One of the best words of wisdom I got from a former co-worker when we were talking about raising children was the following: We are not meant to rear children as if we will be with them for the rest of their life. From the moment the child is born it is our responsibility to teach them how to be independent.
I can’t stress enough how much in line that is with my philosophy. Sure, I don’t know what it’s like to see my little one off to kindergarten for the first time or witness the child that I birthed break a body part for the first time. I can imagine that a first time parent going through such experiences freaks out to some capacity. Lord knows that if I ever get to such milestones I might be the worst of the bunch. But I will always (try to) remind myself that I am to teach this little human being how to be self-sufficient from the get co. And sleeping with me, at any age (except for maybe as a newborn) is not going to reinforce that lesson. I don’t care how many eyeballs roll at me for that one. I am vehemently against children sleeping with their parents. You need your space, that child needs his/her space, and, let’s face it, you need space and time with your spouse. And your child needs to learn to respect that. I think the minute you let that child dictate your emotions you start letting go of who you are as an individual and you start letting go of your relationship with your spouse. No one said marriage is easy and no one said being a parent is easy. But if you choose to do either and/or both then you have to be willing to work at both without sacrificing yourself. What good is it to your child if you forget who you are as an individual and as a couple with your spouse?
I feel like a broken record but I agree with this so much! Your friend's advice about it being a parent's responsibility to prepare their child to be independent is spot on. Being a mom and have friends who are moms I see alot of different parenting techniques going on. And I've always been very conscious that Ava has to LEARN how to DEAL with life. From the minute she wanted a block on the floor that was out of her reach and she cried hoping I would move it closer to her, I sat there and waited for her to learn how to get it herself. If I would have moved that block closer to her every time, she may have never crawled. And I see it so often, parents who do everything for their child...physcially and emotionally so their child doesn't have to "suffer" or feel disappointment or frustration. And we wonder why our country is filled with whiny, spoiled brats who want to bring their parents on job interviews. Our job as parents is to prepare them for life. And you know what? Life isn't fair and it isn't easy and it's filled with disappointments. My job is to teach Ava that through all of that, there is light at the end of the tunnel. That if she's persistant and wants a different outcome then it's HER responsiblity to do something about it!
ReplyDeleteTeaching your child independence is key to raising your child. It's difficult for mothers to let go, but when you understand that it benefits the child then it makes things easier. I have been insistent on Van not sleeping in our bed from the time he was born. We are now having to teach him to go to bed by himself though, because I rocked him to sleep for so long (too long).
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree that a parents fears are often pushed onto the child. My parents were very protective of us and they are of Van too. My Dad yelled at me all the time when Van was falling a lot. He blamed me for letting him walk between the couch and the window or whatever other reason he could find. I tried to explain that it's ok for him to fall, and that he's just learning to walk and how to balance himself. In fact, Van has fallen in the pool twice, but both times I pulled him out and dried him off. I didn't make a big deal of it, because I didn't want him to be afraid of the pool, just more cautious.
Michael and I feel it's important for Van to experience all things in life, good or bad. That's how he will learn what he wants and what's right from wrong. My Dad is scared of the world and I don't want Van to be at all.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for being those kinds of parents!! It gives me hope. :)
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