To You, Baby Obsessor

05.21.2010

On my way to my Weight Watchers meeting this morning, I caught a few minutes of the topic of the morning on KBIG and laughed out loud. A woman called in and asked about what she should do now that her best friend is pregnant and completely baby-crazed, unable to discuss anything but her baby or baby-related topics. Another woman called in and said that the pregnant friend needed a new best friend cause if she couldn’t have the support she needed in this friend, then it was time for them to part.

WHAT?!

At this point, the radio personality asked her if it isn’t possible to go overboard. I can’t remember if the woman answered him or if he cut her off but, of course, I screamed the answer to that question in my head:

YES!!

OK, let’s take a step back. I don’t know the history of the caller's best friend. Perhaps she had been trying to get pregnant for years and finally got successful. Maybe she had a Baby Mama situation where she was told she couldn’t get pregnant and miraculously got pregnant. [1] I don’t know and I don’t want to judge. I’d like to, but not knowing the details, I really can’t.

But I’m going to.

Yes, it is very possible to step overboard into baby insanity. This is one of the very reasons I started my blog. When you make your entire life about the baby then what do you have? The child is going to grow up one day and leave the nest. What are you going to have for yourself when that time comes?

We know of a woman who was so baby-obsessed and who was a nightmare to deal with once she got pregnant. There was nothing this woman could talk about other than her pregnancy. She was “tired cause of the babies,” “emotional cause of the babies,” “unable to go food shopping cause of the babies,” “can’t work cause of the babies,” “can’t walk cause of the babies,” – OH MY GOD! And how many times does a woman need to remind people she is pregnant? How many times must the belly be pointed to? This woman got herself into so much debt "because of the babies" that, I believe, she was or is on the verge of bankruptcy and now that her babies are born, she’s terrified of holding them. Yes, you read that correctly. "Terrified of holding them." She has hired a nanny whose job it is to hold and take care of the babies.

There’s nothing wrong with being excited. I don’t begrudge anybody for that – especially if the journey to conceive was a difficult one. But when there is absolutely nothing else you are capable of talking about then, I’m sorry, there's a problem. My humble advice: Get a Life. A Real One. And One That Doesn’t Involve the Baby.

---

[1] I’m referring to the Tina Fey and Amy Poehler movie Baby Mama that came out in 2008. If you haven’t seen it: See It.

Children Filling a Void

03.06.2010

Day #3. J Off to a good start, I’d say.

I was thinking a lot today about parents and their insecurities. I guess it’s sort of a continuation of yesterday’s topic. But I’m so afraid of passing on my own insecurities to my child/ren that it’s actually one of the reasons I hesitate in making a decision in the “yes” department. My life-long issues with food, weight, and trich are a constant battle that to think that I could pass along these problems to an innocent child makes me cringe.[1] Why would I want to knowingly contribute to another human’s challenges?

I see so many women want a child to fill some sort of a void. First of all, I suppose children fill a void in a man’s life. But because I’m not a man, I can’t really speak for that gender. Usually we hear about the woman and her biological clock and this undying need to give birth and hold and raise a child. Lord knows, I know of women who are addicted to newborns. I’m sure we all know a famous one! (Octomom.) But I know of one woman in particular and I’ve heard of others who coerce their husband into having another baby because, well, they “smell good”. Or “they’re so tiny and helpless”. Or “my other children are growing up so fast, I want a newborn in the house again to make me feel needed”.

Really? And we consider bringing another human being into this overpopulated world because we want to feel needed as a valid excuse? Or because we want to smell something nice? To the first one: get a dog. They need you all the time. To the second: wake up early in the morning to spend some time with yourself and walk on the beach. The ocean at that time of day has an awesome smell.

I had a friend with whom my friendship was already on the brink of falling apart when she told me that she was pregnant. I was 6 months away from getting married, I was entering the final phase of graduate school, and I had just started an internship at a non-profit. Our friendship was under some strain because of the guy she had chosen to start dating, and when I would try to reach out to help her, she would push me away. I knew of the atrocities of her childhood and her deep desire for a family, and I knew she was getting up there in age, so from an emotional point-of-view, I understand why she got pregnant. But, as a high school dropout, working at a doctor’s office, taking up with an illegal immigrant, and, at the time, living with a family because she could not afford an apartment of her own, I found the situation to be on the brink of abusive. Why would you bring a child into this situation? And with a man who was not only an illegal but also one who had two or three children and a wife back home. So many women from all walks of life get pregnant to fill an emotional need. And what I think is that it’s so unfair to lay down such a huge responsibility on a soul who never asked to be born in the first place. If you, as an adult, can’t fix your own problem, how is a child supposed to do that?

In the same context, there are women who are in marriages or relationships that are toxic for whatever reason and the mentality is that “If we just have a baby, it’ll make everything better”. Seriously, take a look around. How many people do you know in that very same position? I consider this child abuse, as well. And sometimes a couple is in a loveless marriage but for some reason divorce is not considered an option, so the mentality is that if a baby comes into the picture then it means everything is alright, right?

Why do we do this? You would think that since our society is so baby-oriented that we want to do everything in our power to make life for the baby as comfortable and stable. Yet how much attention is paid to the here and now? Is it that we’re so afraid of failure? Is it that we’re afraid to accept responsibility for the mistakes we made that led us to the position we’re in at that moment? And why do we convince ourselves that bringing a baby into the situation is going to make everything better? Is it that we become addicted to the symbolism of a baby, of its newness and 2^nd chances, which make us feel that all the problems will just go away?

And why don’t we realize that this is just a mask? That running from the problems or sweeping them under a rug may temporarily dispose of them but they will always come back with a vengeance. And by that point, you have one or more kids that will have to witness all the junk that at one point was thought to have been kept in hiding. How fair is that?

---

[1] “Trich” is short for trichotillomania, a hair pulling disorder that I have dealt with since I was 12.

Children and Insecurities

03.05.10

On my way down to class this morning, I was listening to the radio and every day the radio personality has people write him e-mails describing a particular problem and then callers call in with their advice. Today’s e-mail was about a woman who’s 11-year old was climbing into bed with her. How appropriate to my topic! I was appalled at some, uh, check that, most of the callers’ advice. They were encouraging the woman to let her son continue sleeping with her because he’s going to be a teenager soon and will want nothing to do with her. I got so involved with the topic that I must’ve looked funny to the drivers next to me, gesticulating and yelling at the radio. Although, on second thought, I probably looked like I was talking on the phone.

I think it’s so bad that so many parents take their own personal issues and bestow these issues on to their children. Afraid to be alone? Afraid of trying new things? Anal retentive? Have bouts with depression? Children pick up on ALL of this. They take on our fears, our concerns, our hopes, our dreams. I know this from personal experience. Whenever my mom worried, so did I. It’s healthy to have a little bit of worry, but I’m so sick of parents not letting their children experience the world for themselves.

And I can just hear and see it now. People rolling their eyes throwing out “You just don’t understand. You don’t have kids. It’s different.” Well, I had a mother who was very protective of me. And wanting to protect your children from the world is natural, of course; it’s instinctual. But I argue that most people let that be masked by their own fears of the world. In other words, “If I just protect my child from harm, emotional insecurity, and the world in general, then nothing bad with happen to him/her.” And all that’s doing is taking your own insecurities and transferring them to your child.

One of the best words of wisdom I got from a former co-worker when we were talking about raising children was the following: We are not meant to rear children as if we will be with them for the rest of their life. From the moment the child is born it is our responsibility to teach them how to be independent.

I can’t stress enough how much in line that is with my philosophy. Sure, I don’t know what it’s like to see my little one off to kindergarten for the first time or witness the child that I birthed break a body part for the first time. I can imagine that a first time parent going through such experiences freaks out to some capacity. Lord knows that if I ever get to such milestones I might be the worst of the bunch. But I will always (try to) remind myself that I am to teach this little human being how to be self-sufficient from the get co. And sleeping with me, at any age (except for maybe as a newborn) is not going to reinforce that lesson. I don’t care how many eyeballs roll at me for that one. I am vehemently against children sleeping with their parents. You need your space, that child needs his/her space, and, let’s face it, you need space and time with your spouse. And your child needs to learn to respect that. I think the minute you let that child dictate your emotions you start letting go of who you are as an individual and you start letting go of your relationship with your spouse. No one said marriage is easy and no one said being a parent is easy. But if you choose to do either and/or both then you have to be willing to work at both without sacrificing yourself. What good is it to your child if you forget who you are as an individual and as a couple with your spouse?