Yet Again...

10.25.2010

Found out that yet another person I know is pregnant. Since I'm feeling that the entire world around me is having babies, I decided to sit down and count amongst my friends how many have had a baby in the past year or became pregnant. Over 50% of my friends are pregnant. Is this normal? I mean, is it normal for someone to personally know so many at one time who are pregnant?

Part of me yells out, “What the hell are you waiting for?” And then another part yells, “Shut the hell up!”

I worked for about 4 hours today on a creative project where I lost myself in my work, content to be in the moment. If I had a kid, I wouldn’t have that. Or if I did, it would have to be planned, thought out and scheduled ahead of time and that’s if I found a babysitter. How is that living in the moment?

This whole situation is confusing. The clock’s tics are actually getting louder. It hit me a few days ago that I’m a few months away from being one more year closer to 40 and I physically felt the pressure that this baby decision needs to be made soon. Of the people that I know who are pregnant, 2 couples have been trying for years to conceive. Another couple hit it on the first try. You just don’t know and I wish that there were some inkling into knowing how long it will take. Just having that piece of information would help.

Halloween Reflections in the Mirror

10.11.2010

Last week, I put out the Halloween decorations like I have every year for the past 11 years. Halloween has always been my favorite day. I remember my mom making our costumes and looking forward to trick-or-treating. There’s something about that ritual that I’ve always loved and, I think, what I like most about it is that it’s the only day of the year that unifies absolutely each and every one of us (except for Jehovah’s Witnesses). It doesn’t matter the race or religion because we all celebrate Halloween somehow.

Decorating the place for any holiday always puts me in a good mood. I remember during grad school being stressed, convinced that I was a failure, and taking time out to put up decorations would immediately lift my spirits. But for the past 2-3 years, my mood isn’t lifted as high as it was once. I took note of that about 3 years ago but I didn’t process it, thinking that maybe it was because I was especially stressed at work.

Then last year I felt the spirits-not-getting-lifted-as-much-as-they-should even more. I probably could’ve given an answer as to why, were I to be pressed for one, but no one asked and I didn’t share so, as what comes naturally to me, I suppressed it. But this year, I couldn’t ignore it and I blame the console in the kitchen and the mirrors hanging over it.

See, each year I tend to put the same decorations in the same place. This year, though, I switched things around. I recently hung some mirrors in the kitchen so that we’d get outdoor light reflected in to what is our cave for an apartment and cleared a lot of stuff from the top of the console. With the space I created, I found a new home for some of the decorations and I ended up really liking the display I made. I took a step back, pleased with what I saw, and yet, despite the pleasure, the look reflected back at me in the mirrors was telling me something different.

I had no one with whom to share that particular moment. As excited and giddy as I was, I asked myself, “For whom are these decorations?” I originally got them because each year I would throw a party but that stopped a good 5 years ago. And though I still keep putting them out, I looked in the mirror and asked, “So what?” I might take great pleasure in the festive way the place looks, but there’s something missing. There’s a sparkle to these decorations that has faded, a sparkle that I see in the decorated homes with kids. This realization, or a more mature way of putting it is this acceptance, makes me feel a little lonely.

We're Lucky, So What's Wrong?

08.01.2010

We spent the day at Rob’s parents’ house today and I had such a great afternoon hanging out at their place. The whole family was there and I consider myself to be very lucky to get along with his brother and parents. They’re good people.

On the way home, I was thinking about how lucky we’d be to have a child or children with the kind of support network we have in them. And that prompted me to think of why is it that we’re so lucky to have a lot of our ducks in a row and yet, we’re still hesitating on taking that step. I know of plenty of people – especially teens – who just dive into the pool and worry about the temperature later. I’m the one who has to dip in one toe at a time.

There’s certainly a plus to being so cautious but the negative to it is that we will have spent so much of our time at the sidelines hemming and hawing over this issue. One of the most touching lines in the movie Away We Go is the scene where Burt’s friend tells him of his wife’s fifth miscarriage and he says something to the effect of “We wonder why it’s so hard for us when we wait to have children in our 30s and then we’re surprised that it doesn’t happen only to sit by and watch teen girls have baby after baby.”

…I’ve recently been fortunate enough to get answers to some issues that I’ve been struggling with for a while…I can only hope that I’m somehow closer to an answer with this. Even if I don’t see it yet…