Yet Again...

10.25.2010

Found out that yet another person I know is pregnant. Since I'm feeling that the entire world around me is having babies, I decided to sit down and count amongst my friends how many have had a baby in the past year or became pregnant. Over 50% of my friends are pregnant. Is this normal? I mean, is it normal for someone to personally know so many at one time who are pregnant?

Part of me yells out, “What the hell are you waiting for?” And then another part yells, “Shut the hell up!”

I worked for about 4 hours today on a creative project where I lost myself in my work, content to be in the moment. If I had a kid, I wouldn’t have that. Or if I did, it would have to be planned, thought out and scheduled ahead of time and that’s if I found a babysitter. How is that living in the moment?

This whole situation is confusing. The clock’s tics are actually getting louder. It hit me a few days ago that I’m a few months away from being one more year closer to 40 and I physically felt the pressure that this baby decision needs to be made soon. Of the people that I know who are pregnant, 2 couples have been trying for years to conceive. Another couple hit it on the first try. You just don’t know and I wish that there were some inkling into knowing how long it will take. Just having that piece of information would help.

If You Dream It, Will They Come?

09.27.2010

I had a strange and disturbing dream last night which isn’t unusual as my mind almost never lets up. The strange part of the dream was that I dreamt of two women who, at one point, were in my life though they did not know each other at all. The disturbing part was that one of the two is from a distant past and whenever I dream of people from my past, I get bad news within 3-5 days. I don’t read dreams or believe in fortune telling but over the years I’ve noticed this pattern that’s accurate about 85% of the time.

One of the women was my former friend who’s mother just passed away a few weeks ago and the other woman was a classmate of mine from high school who passed away herself 4 years ago after a two-year battle with cancer. They were sitting at a round table in a field and the day was incredibly bright and sunny. I think I remember some trees in the background but other than that, no shade to be found anywhere. They were sitting at this table talking about their kids.

Now, my friend whose mother passed away has 2 little boys. My former classmate had no children. But, in my dream, I clearly remember her talking about her son. The two women were so happy to bet there, to be talking and to be sharing stories about their kids.

I woke up just as my classmate got up, laughing, to go find her son who was playing somewhere nearby. I’m usually pretty good at figuring out the symbolism in my dreams or making the connections between my dream-state and consciousness and why I would’ve dreamt what I dreamt. But in this case, I have no clue what any of it means other than the chance of getting bad news in the next few days. Whatever it is, this was one of those dreams that lingered around all day somewhat haunting me. I don’t think I’ve ever dreamt of two people that I knew but who didn’t know each other spending time together, and so joyously at that. In addition, the focus of their conversation was interesting, as well, and I wasn’t even a part of it. It was as if I was eavesdropping on (or even filming) the event and experiencing their joy from the sideline. I woke up slightly confused and it’s dreams like those that I wish we knew more about the state of dreaming, the why’s and the how’s. Perhaps it would more clearly help with any kind of decisions.

A Little Bit O' Drama Never Hurt

08.04.2010

Breaking news: I really think something is wrong with me. Like, I’m sure I look normal to someone who randomly glances at me. But there’s something off.

I finally made it to the gyno this morning and I shared the waiting room space with a bunch of expectant mothers, children, and one brand new baby. I mean, brand spankin’ new. I felt like an alien because I wanted to run screaming. I can’t help but look at a pregnant woman and think of how odd her body looks. Honestly, I never thought of pregnancy as beautiful or not until Rob mentioned years ago that it freaks him out. So I have inevitably adopted this mentality.

Once in the room and waiting for the doctor, I realized that this vacillation is typical of me. While an undergraduate at SMC, I had 5 different majors; a new one each semester. Making a commitment to something that has to do with the rest of my life is stressful and difficult for me. Rob seems to be the only commitment I never hesitated on. Why can’t the rest of the decisions be this easy?

I knew in 7th grade that I’d major in History and yet, once I hit college, I thought about archeology, anthropology, English literature, and pre-med only to ultimately come back to what I knew since 1987. (I wanted to major in film more than anything else but, well…that’s a long story.)

There are very few things in my life that I treat with pompous production and this is because I grew up with an artist mother and an artist/singer sister. Pompous productions don’t always have to be bad but I err on the side of simplicity. Usually. I suppose I can strive to be as different as I can from my mother…but the apple really doesn’t fall that far from the tree. I apparently like a little bit of drama.

Stay tuned…

Accepting Family

07.05.2010

I’ve been really missing my mom this passed weekend. She moved to Lithuania 2 years ago and I haven’t seen her since x-mas ’08 and it’s a mystery when I’ll be seeing her next.

I long ago learned that I had to accept my mom for whom she is and, like parents with their children, I had to accept that she’s going to make her own decisions regardless of what others may or may not think. As an artist, she has always lived her life by her emotions and desires first which always made for a creative environment to grow up in but it had and does have its drawbacks.

This acceptance of a family member’s decision that you don’t necessarily agree with is very difficult. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way but it’s very challenging for me to have to accept that certain things aren’t viewed in the same way as I view them. And I know that parents have to deal with this and their children constantly. If you see that your child is making a mistake, it’s important that you step back and let him/her make the mistake because how else is she/he going to learn? When your child hurts, you hurt. When your child’s happy and excited, so, as a parent, are you.

Our decisions affect more than just us. My mom’s decision to move has affected everyone that she knows and directly changed my (and my sister’s) life forever. Especially because a flight to Lithuania can’t be done over a weekend.

I don’t know how good I would be in stepping back with my opinions and the like if my child were making a decision that I don’t agree with. I’ve had to be in a mother role for most of my life and I think it’s contributed to my decision to not have kids earlier. The emotional entanglement involved in guiding and raising kids can go deep and when the kid goes against that guidance in some way, the decision can cut deeply. It’s because I’ve had to deal with a lot of decisions made around me that have cut deeply that makes me sometimes wonder how much of that do I want to willingly bring back into my life? How easy is it to differentiate between your child as the child you want to control and the child who is his/her own individual? How do you know when to let go and when to hang on?

Outside Influences on Decisions

05.05.2010

War changes lives. Not a new concept by any means, but nonetheless, a concept that awoke new perspective tonight inspired by a class discussion tonight.

We were talking about the Vietnam War and my instructor, who’s a young guy at the ripe old age of 27 (makes me feel kinda dumb that someone younger is critiquing me and doling out a grade to me but whatever. Age is a number, I guess). So we’re discussing the Vietnam War and he mentions that his parents knew people who chose to stay in school and eventually got PhD’s because it would keep them in school and they didn’t have to go into the military. Before the draft was in full effect you were apparently exonerated if you were attending college. So people who would’ve otherwise not gone to college or stopped going after a BA kept going so they wouldn’t have to ‘Nam.

It got me thinking about how much life in general takes us on unexpected turns – sort of along the lines of my entry from a few weeks ago about “unexpected detours.” But how so much of this really happens when war breaks out. If WWII never happened, I would’ve most likely never been born cause my grandparents would’ve stayed in Lithuania and my mom would’ve never met my dad (who is not Lithuanian). Or, even better, if my grandparents hadn’t chosen to leave Lithuania at the start of the war then I probably would’ve never been born either.

Our lives unfold before us on a daily basis without us even realizing it. We get involved in our daily routines, problems, issues, etc. that we don’t really reflect on how it is that we got to this very moment. What choices were made in our past, in our parents’ past, our grandparents’ past, etc. that brought us to this exact moment. I do believe in purpose and that everything happens for a reason and it happens when it is supposed to happen, if it even is supposed to happen. It makes me wonder about our future child and, if it’s meant to happen, how the timing of that little person will be just perfect.