What Good is Guilt Really?

07.10.2010

Today I couldn’t help but feel guilty. Call it the Catholic upbringing and schooling where you’re taught to feel guilty about every move you make, but whatever it is or was, I felt it. I look around at people who have kids and I love that they’re so happy. I love to watch parents play with their kids. I love to watch a dad hold a baby in his arms as he “discusses” some topic with him/her. I love to see a little child’s day be made with just the simplest act like getting to press an elevator button. Believe it or not, these kinds of things make me very happy.

In the passed two days, I’ve been able to balance working and writing perfectly. And because this doesn’t come second nature to me, I had to work at making that happen. I got a solid 2 hours of work done today and made some personal breakthroughs that make me feel incredibly good. So where does this guilt come in?

I’m happy to not have a kid and I feel guilty for feeling that and I feel doubly guilty for not feeling the pull to have one. That’s not to say I never feel it; I’d be lying. But when I look at the families and I look at the photos, I feel like there’s something really wrong with me for not making that my #1 priority. I know plenty of women my age who are already going to fertility doctors because all they want is a child. I know I’ve been harsh on these kinds of women, and I’ve softened (a bit) because it’s not fair to judge someone else’s journey. But given what society preaches and given what I see around me, I just feel abnormal that I am not doing everything in my power at this stage in life to have a child. After 4 days of bad or failed attempts to write, I’m so much more content to have 1 day where I break through the bricks. With a child around, would I have the energy or the stamina to keep chipping away at my own insecurities and challenges?