My Special Needs: More Benefit of the Doubt

10.23.10

Today, I felt like an ass.

I consider myself to be a compassionate person and one who sees all sides to things and I’m usually pretty good at foreseeing problems and/or being able to deal with crises as they come with a good head on my shoulders. Today, I shocked myself at how uncompassionate I could be.

I was on the playground at recess (at Lithuanian school) desperately trying to find a teacher in the 10 minutes we had when suddenly I heard blood curling screams to my immediate left. I walked over as the situation escalated. A boy of about 8 was shrieking at another boy and pointing his finger repeating, “You did it! On purpose!” I tried to gently put his hand down and tell him that that wasn’t necessary but he wouldn't listen. I observed the other boy of about the same age sink into himself paralyzed with fear.

I tried to get the screaming boy to explain to me what happened which then prompted him to shriek “My doughnut! He dropped it on purpose!” The other kid, of course, desperately said he didn’t and that it was an accident that then set the kid off even more.

By this point a father came over and tried to calm him down and I’m thinking to myself “Are you serious? You’re seriously throwing a tantrum over a doughnut?”

The more this kid screamed, I started to get uncomfortable and, honestly, somewhat scared because it didn’t matter what was being told to him, his anger kept escalating along with his voice and tears.

A mother (not his) came over and took control, sternly telling him to stop his behavior so that the other kid could apologize. For a moment it seemed like this kid was totally calmed down but when the other said, “I’m sorry. It was an accident” the kid started everything all over again.

The mom asked where the doughnut was and the kid, in between sobs, picked up the one bite that was left and the mom said, “Let’s go get another one.” This set him off even more yelling, “No! No! No!” He took the doughnut, lifted it in the air as if he was going to throw it on the ground. She sternly said, “Don’t you dare. Throw it in the trash but not on the ground.” He followed those directions but it didn’t stop him from continuing to yell, “No!”

The bell rang and I had to get back to class but the kid was still going at it. I walked back to my classroom and I must’ve had a perplexed and scared look on my face because one my kid’s moms asked if I was alright. I confided that I just saw a kid have a complete meltdown and that it makes me thankful for not having kids. She then asked which one it was, I pointed to him (because his teacher wouldn’t let him in the classroom until he calmed down) and she said, “Oh, no, no, no. He’s autistic.”

If I were a cartoon, my face would’ve turned into a donkey. I should’ve known by his reaction and inability to control his emotions that he was special needs. The only line of defense I have is that there are many children I come across that are unbelievably spoiled and whose similar tantrums I've witnessed, but I feel like I should’ve known better instead of jumping to judgment.

We all have our ticks and can react to situations in ways that we couldn’t have ever guessed. I’ve been through that, I get it. And, I guess for autistic kids, that’s a way of life. It’s a good reminder for me (for all of us) to keep in mind when we see a kid (or an adult) behave in a way that we wouldn’t necessarily think is “normal” to give that person the benefit of the doubt that he/she needs an extra moment or two to understand what’s going on and take whatever time is needed to process it. Who said kids can't teach us?

Unexpected Detours

04.18.2010

I attended a baby shower today and a strange phenomenon happened. I’ve hosted baby showers before and I’ve certainly attended more than my share of these gatherings, but I think because of the blog, my age, and just the general “baby on the brain” mentality, I was hyper sensitive to the event.

When my friend was opening her gifts today there was all this “oohing” and “awing” with each gift and, I have to admit, the stuff was really cute. Especially the little baby clothes. We all agreed that her little boy was going to be on helluva well-dressed kid.

But with each piece of clothing that she received, it got me thinking. And the part of me that got to thinking wasn’t the logical, outline everything, think everything through part. I am very good at stifling my emotions (unless I’m pissed) and, as a defense from childhood, I keep them bottled in and deal with choices and decisions rather robotically. I mean, emotions always get you into trouble, right? That’s always been my philosophy.

So, what astounded me today is that as I watched my friend open her gifts, I caught myself thinking, “Just do it.” And, like, this maternal thing kicked in. (haha) I’m not talking about nurture, I’m talking about maternal. It was pure emotion taking over and it wasn’t about logistics. I have never in my life found myself in this position. Even in my single days, if I liked a guy, it was all up in my head and not my heart. It was never about “follow your heart," it was more about the intellectual side of it all. But this incident this afternoon really caught me off guard. And oddly…for a fleeting moment…I liked it. It made me feel comfortable. And warm. And happy.

Then when I left the shower I did what I usually do when leaving an unfamiliar place and got lost. I thought I’d get back to the freeway the way I came, but at the last minute I decided to take a detour thinking that the freeway would be closer if I went in the opposite direction (based on a sign I read). Well, that wasn’t the case and as I’m weaving through this gorgeous Pasadena neighborhood listening to awesome music on the radio, I got this feeling, for the first time in my life, where I didn’t feel like a kid (young adult). Like, I had this weird moment with myself where I felt like an adult. I passed by all these gorgeous homes and I thought, “You need to get serious. You need to accept that you are not that seventeen-year old you keep insisting you are.” Being young in your heart is one thing. But actually deluding yourself that you’re going to “beat time” and be 17 forever is just not happening. It’s not, and the sooner that’s acknowledged and accepted, the better.

Then I thought about the detour I was on and reminded myself that life is one big detour. We may have a map in front of us and think that we know the direction that we’re going in, but what maps don’t tell you about are all the road closures that you might come across or any new roads that have been built. In other words, it’s during the detours, during those unexpected detours especially, that provide for an opportunity for the next step to be taken, the next lesson to be learned and/or the next (great) opportunity to arise.

I’m not saying I’m gonna run out and get pregnant now…but let’s just say that the idea of having a child is no longer so cold, so isolated…or so…robotic.