Unexpected Detours

04.18.2010

I attended a baby shower today and a strange phenomenon happened. I’ve hosted baby showers before and I’ve certainly attended more than my share of these gatherings, but I think because of the blog, my age, and just the general “baby on the brain” mentality, I was hyper sensitive to the event.

When my friend was opening her gifts today there was all this “oohing” and “awing” with each gift and, I have to admit, the stuff was really cute. Especially the little baby clothes. We all agreed that her little boy was going to be on helluva well-dressed kid.

But with each piece of clothing that she received, it got me thinking. And the part of me that got to thinking wasn’t the logical, outline everything, think everything through part. I am very good at stifling my emotions (unless I’m pissed) and, as a defense from childhood, I keep them bottled in and deal with choices and decisions rather robotically. I mean, emotions always get you into trouble, right? That’s always been my philosophy.

So, what astounded me today is that as I watched my friend open her gifts, I caught myself thinking, “Just do it.” And, like, this maternal thing kicked in. (haha) I’m not talking about nurture, I’m talking about maternal. It was pure emotion taking over and it wasn’t about logistics. I have never in my life found myself in this position. Even in my single days, if I liked a guy, it was all up in my head and not my heart. It was never about “follow your heart," it was more about the intellectual side of it all. But this incident this afternoon really caught me off guard. And oddly…for a fleeting moment…I liked it. It made me feel comfortable. And warm. And happy.

Then when I left the shower I did what I usually do when leaving an unfamiliar place and got lost. I thought I’d get back to the freeway the way I came, but at the last minute I decided to take a detour thinking that the freeway would be closer if I went in the opposite direction (based on a sign I read). Well, that wasn’t the case and as I’m weaving through this gorgeous Pasadena neighborhood listening to awesome music on the radio, I got this feeling, for the first time in my life, where I didn’t feel like a kid (young adult). Like, I had this weird moment with myself where I felt like an adult. I passed by all these gorgeous homes and I thought, “You need to get serious. You need to accept that you are not that seventeen-year old you keep insisting you are.” Being young in your heart is one thing. But actually deluding yourself that you’re going to “beat time” and be 17 forever is just not happening. It’s not, and the sooner that’s acknowledged and accepted, the better.

Then I thought about the detour I was on and reminded myself that life is one big detour. We may have a map in front of us and think that we know the direction that we’re going in, but what maps don’t tell you about are all the road closures that you might come across or any new roads that have been built. In other words, it’s during the detours, during those unexpected detours especially, that provide for an opportunity for the next step to be taken, the next lesson to be learned and/or the next (great) opportunity to arise.

I’m not saying I’m gonna run out and get pregnant now…but let’s just say that the idea of having a child is no longer so cold, so isolated…or so…robotic.