My Special Needs: More Benefit of the Doubt

10.23.10

Today, I felt like an ass.

I consider myself to be a compassionate person and one who sees all sides to things and I’m usually pretty good at foreseeing problems and/or being able to deal with crises as they come with a good head on my shoulders. Today, I shocked myself at how uncompassionate I could be.

I was on the playground at recess (at Lithuanian school) desperately trying to find a teacher in the 10 minutes we had when suddenly I heard blood curling screams to my immediate left. I walked over as the situation escalated. A boy of about 8 was shrieking at another boy and pointing his finger repeating, “You did it! On purpose!” I tried to gently put his hand down and tell him that that wasn’t necessary but he wouldn't listen. I observed the other boy of about the same age sink into himself paralyzed with fear.

I tried to get the screaming boy to explain to me what happened which then prompted him to shriek “My doughnut! He dropped it on purpose!” The other kid, of course, desperately said he didn’t and that it was an accident that then set the kid off even more.

By this point a father came over and tried to calm him down and I’m thinking to myself “Are you serious? You’re seriously throwing a tantrum over a doughnut?”

The more this kid screamed, I started to get uncomfortable and, honestly, somewhat scared because it didn’t matter what was being told to him, his anger kept escalating along with his voice and tears.

A mother (not his) came over and took control, sternly telling him to stop his behavior so that the other kid could apologize. For a moment it seemed like this kid was totally calmed down but when the other said, “I’m sorry. It was an accident” the kid started everything all over again.

The mom asked where the doughnut was and the kid, in between sobs, picked up the one bite that was left and the mom said, “Let’s go get another one.” This set him off even more yelling, “No! No! No!” He took the doughnut, lifted it in the air as if he was going to throw it on the ground. She sternly said, “Don’t you dare. Throw it in the trash but not on the ground.” He followed those directions but it didn’t stop him from continuing to yell, “No!”

The bell rang and I had to get back to class but the kid was still going at it. I walked back to my classroom and I must’ve had a perplexed and scared look on my face because one my kid’s moms asked if I was alright. I confided that I just saw a kid have a complete meltdown and that it makes me thankful for not having kids. She then asked which one it was, I pointed to him (because his teacher wouldn’t let him in the classroom until he calmed down) and she said, “Oh, no, no, no. He’s autistic.”

If I were a cartoon, my face would’ve turned into a donkey. I should’ve known by his reaction and inability to control his emotions that he was special needs. The only line of defense I have is that there are many children I come across that are unbelievably spoiled and whose similar tantrums I've witnessed, but I feel like I should’ve known better instead of jumping to judgment.

We all have our ticks and can react to situations in ways that we couldn’t have ever guessed. I’ve been through that, I get it. And, I guess for autistic kids, that’s a way of life. It’s a good reminder for me (for all of us) to keep in mind when we see a kid (or an adult) behave in a way that we wouldn’t necessarily think is “normal” to give that person the benefit of the doubt that he/she needs an extra moment or two to understand what’s going on and take whatever time is needed to process it. Who said kids can't teach us?