Parent-Child Relationships

01.21.2011

The following is an excerpt from the latest episode of Parenthood. It simultaneously helped me understand my mom a little bit and it also helped me see myself perhaps saying something very similar one day…

(Mother, Sarah, is talking to her daughter, Amber.)

“I’m sorry you’re not doing the open mic night, I feel bad about that. You know, when you have kids, if you have kids, there’s something you should know. Very confusing thing they don’t tell you. You see so much of yourself in them. You see your ironic take on the world, you see your smile, your walk, your sense of humor, whatever, and you think they’re you. But they’re not you and they shouldn’t have all of your baggage, your fear and your insecurity, and your life experience because that’s not fair. They have their own. Your song is beautiful. It’s haunting and moving and it’s so you. And that’s all I should’ve said to you the other night. I’m so proud and I’m so impressed and I’m so in awe of you. And I want you to just go out there and fly. You can fly.”

Trees and Their Fruit

12.14.2010

The apple truly doesn’t fall far from the tree.

What kind of a tree are you?

Teens Talk Amongst Themselves

10.30.2010

I find it interesting that, although I very much enjoy teaching junior high school students, I can’t imagine myself being a parent of a teenager. In a controlled environment, I try to make the lessons interesting and to generate discussion but take me outside of that controlled environment and I’m helpless. What do you talk to them about? How do you relate to them? I wonder these things because teens look at adults as an “enemy” no matter how “cool” you think you are.

There’s a woman I know whose daughter is a freshman at the high school I attended and, on occasion, I inquire at how she’s adjusting. This mom is super cool and she expressed how distraught she is that her daughter pushes her away and speaks to her in hurtful ways. It underscored the memories I had from when I was a teen and how convinced I was that I would do things differently and/or that I’d be such a cool parent that my kid would never think some of the thoughts that I had when I didn’t get my way.

But alas, this isn’t the case and it feeds into the post that I had the other day. A parent puts so much of themselves and their lives into raising a kid only to endure a period of time where all of that will appear to mean nothing to the kid. There should be a support group for parents with teens.

So I continue to wonder… I get along with teens really well in the classroom and I feel privileged to see their minds expand and the lightbulbs go off but I don’t know if I’d be able to carry this same kind of interest outside of the classroom, even with my own kid. I know to a parent that might sound silly and stupid because, hey, the kid is your kid so you’d know his/her interests, likes/dislikes, etc. But what happens when your kid stops talking to you?

All In Due Time

09.13.2010

Rob came home last night and told me about his experience at a friend’s house while watching the football game. An 8-year old boy was left with the group while his mother and friend went out for the afternoon. As you can imagine, an 8-year old in a room filled with “old” men doesn’t exactly mean tons of fun for a kid.

Eventually, Rob overheard the boy feeling bad about the way things were going and decided to ask the kid about a video game that he was playing earlier. The fact that the video game was Star Wars made them instantly connect. Within minutes, the boy was buddying up to Rob and asking a bunch of questions about the game and how to play it, and Rob said he felt so good to be able to calm this kid down and be able to relate to him. I observed Rob tell this story and, like what I’ve noticed over time, his (Rob’s) behavior towards kids has greatly altered…it’s become warmer and more inviting.

The clincher to this story was that, at one point, the boy turned to him and asked if he’d be spending the night to which Rob replied, “No.” The boy then grew a long and sad face which, Rob said, tugged at his heart…he didn’t like seeing the boy disappointed.

....There are several things at play here for me. First, I’m lucky to have a husband who isn’t closed off to the idea of having kids. If anything, he’s just waiting for the green light from me. Secondly, I’m lucky to have a husband who makes it a point to try and relate to kids on some level so that he/she doesn’t feel out of place or awkward. And third, I’m lucky to know that if we have a kid, he/she is going to have an amazing dad.

Four Christmases in July

07.04.2010

Happy July 4^th!

Today we spent the afternoon at this family’s home whose block on which they live closed down for a “block party.” I had never been to a block party though I remember as a kid always wanting to go to one because of the Sesame Street “Block Party” record that I had. I never watched Sesame Street growing up because we didn’t own a TV but, for some reason, I absolutely loved that album.

Chatting, eating and observing, I couldn’t help but feel like I was living out the words that Reese Witherspoon’s character, Kate, in Four Christmases tells her boyfriend, Brad, who’s played by Vince Vaughn in this one scene toward the end of the movie. The thing about Kate and Brad is that they are a power couple from NY who consistently avoid their respective families, they don’t believe in marriage and kids, and want to have the freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want. Thanks to some bad luck, Kate and Brad end up having to visit their families for Christmas and their day’s journey is what the movie is about.

The scene that I’m referring to is when Kate tells Brad that she’s taken a pregnancy test earlier in the day which causes Brad to completely freak out.

Kate: Relax, Brad. It was negative. I’m not pregnant.

Brad: Well jeez, why don’t you just hit me with that right from the start? Instead of making me take laps around the anxiety pool.

Kate: What is this reaction?

Brad: Listen, if there’s one thing we’ve learned by being forced to being around our families today it’s about the dangers of procreating. Besides, that’s not the things that we want in life.

Kate: Brad, I realized it today. I thought for sure, I’d always known that I didn’t want to have kids and I took this test, I’m waiting to see if it’s positive or negative and I thought, for just a second. I felt…different. You know? I felt hopeful. Like maybe it would just happen and we’d be forced to get over all our fears. We have spent so much of our relationship creating all these boundaries you know and making sure that we don’t limit ourselves with responsibility…and obligations, and I don’t wanna live like that anymore. Because that’s not loving at all.

Brad: Is that an eighties song?

I remember when I saw the movie in the theatre, Kate’s short monologue really hit home especially the part where she says they’ve spent so much time creating the boundaries making sure that limits aren’t made and that if she just got pregnant they’d be “forced” to get over their fears. I have actually had that same exact thought before.

While observing the parents with their children today, I thought about how I’m sure they all have moments of insanity and moments of doubt, but coming together for a holiday is one of the upsides of those downsides. Everything occurs in cycles and without bad there is no good and without good there is no bad. Kids or no kids you’re going to have a day that’s good and you’re going to have a day that’s more challenging. One a particularly challenging day, kids might increase the stress…but on those days that are good…you have more family members to help celebrate. And on either kind of day, you have an extra pair of hands to stand in the corner and help cheer you up or help cheer you on. Family is what people want when they are most in need…not necessarily the freedom to get up and go whenever they please. I think parenthood is one of the most difficult jobs in the world but I can see flashes of how it could also be rewarding.