Temporary Hold on Topic Explained

12.20.2010

I understand that there are people in this world who believe blindly whether it be religion, economics or in nothing. There are those who believe without questioning intellectually why they believe what they believe. Though I may disagree with such a mentality, I can accept it. To a point.

I’ve had my share of people approach me and evangelize and I’ve been scolded by friends for not attending church. I know of at least one person whose family members ostracize them for not having a religious wedding. All these actions are done in the name of Jesus Christ and God. Again, I disagree but I can accept. To a point.

I was raised Roman Catholic, attended Catholic schools most of my life and clearly remember lessons of God’s love, acceptance and patience of His children who, according to Christianity, we are all. I had a bit of a faith crisis at 17 but, in time, came to believe that a Higher Power exists although, to me, it isn’t in the way “God” was presented to me while growing up. I believe in respect, in love and in equality and I try my best to live each day in that regard. Therefore, it astounds me when I see those same people who evangelize (and who have criticized me) turn around and act mean, with prejudice or with hatred.

I wrote last week about one of my students who is blind. I have learned to work around his special needs and push myself to figure out ways to make lessons interesting and engaging. Whether I succeed or not, I don’t know, but at least I know I try.

It was agreed upon several weeks ago that this student and I would share a reading during the Christmas pageant while his classmates reenacted the Nativity scene on stage. I waited for three weeks for the reading. I pleaded with the religion teacher every week to send the reading because my student’s mother needed to make sure it got transferred into Braille, not to mention giving us both a chance to rehearse.

I received the reading the night before the pageant. Not evening, night. This was too late for the student to get the reading and I ended up reading it myself. I was appalled, disgusted and embarrassed. This student, as it is, gets left out of a lot of activities and now a co-worker, and adult who should know better, contributed to him being left out of something in which his entire class and school was partaking. I was livid.

When I confronted this woman, she had excuse upon excuse as to why the reading was sent late but what she eventually admitted to is what sent my anger through the roof. This deeply religious, God-loving woman told me that having him read during the pageant wouldn’t have worked for her because he “needed to see what was on stage.” Barely containing my anger, I replied, “We would’ve worked out a signal when needed. Remember, we were to read together.” An onslaught of more excuses followed.

How do you do this to anyone much less a child? What disgusts me is how these religious fantatics don’t see their own hypocrisy. This woman preaches about God’s love and acceptance and yet doesn’t take the time to live by example. Is it a matter of convenience? When it’s comfortable to do good things then do them, if not then, oh well?

She serves as a living reason why I don’t go to Church anymore. It’s impossible to listen to someone tell me how I should live my life when I know the person cherry picks who to be kind to and who to conveniently ignore. That’s not how my Higher Power operates.

Life's Hazards

12.17.2010

Technical difficulties prohibited me from posting today.

Once an Outside, Always an Outsider?

12.15.2010

I walked out of the market this afternoon and passed by what looked like a mommy convention. There must’ve been about 15 new moms with their babies and strollers sitting outside of the store having lunch. I scanned the crowd trying to find someone I could identify with and couldn’t. What exactly I was looking for I couldn’t tell you. Someone who looked like me? Someone who looked terrified? Someone who didn’t belong there? I don’t know. Maybe all of those things.

What I do know is how both scared and sad I felt while looking at this group. I’m not someone who ever fit into one particular crowd. As a teen, I floated between the jocks, the nerds, and, on a rare occasion, the popular crowd. I didn’t want to label myself and made it a point to be friends with everyone. Despite having gone to an all girl’s high school, those cliques were definitely there and I had a rough time freshman year.

But this isn’t a “woe is me” story because, obviously, I survived and I eventually found my circle of friends. But this group of mothers today reminded me of the typical popular girls you see in movies. They were loud, showing off their babies, and clacking like a group of hens. I realized that I would never be a part of a group like that. Not that I really care to be but I feel like because we’re waiting to have a kid, I’m going to find myself outside of the circle of parents who all had kids at about the same time and, like in so many other areas of my life, lagging behind everyone else. It struck me how I might feel like an outsider even while holding a baby amongst other mothers.

A Blind World

12.11.2010

Today’s entry is very personal.

I have a blind student whom I’ve had once before as a 4^th grader. Having a student with a disability is a challenge and, I have to admit, there are moments where I wish the situation were different – particularly when I would like to incorporate art into the lesson. I usually can’t, though I try whenever I can and discuss with his mother ahead of time.

As a whole, this student is exceptional and I predict he will achieve great things. I remember noticing him when he was little and how he stood out from the rest, blindness aside. He’s engaged, curious, and a real pleasure with which to work. It’s obvious the other students in the class don’t quite know what to make of him despite knowing him for 10 years, and because he can’t participate in many extra-curricular activities there’s little opportunity for them to get to know him outside of the classroom.

Today’s events gave me a glimpse into what I imagine to be his parents’ daily life. (I should mention that his younger brother is also blind.) We were rehearsing for next week’s Christmas pageant and I had to make sure I was with him at all times to cue him, guide him to the stage, direct him once there whether to sit or stand, guide him back to his seat, and to basically serve as a pair of eyes for him including informing him of what was going on and for what to listen. Now, I had and have no problem doing this. It wasn’t this big huge sacrifice by any means. But, I have to admit that after an hour and half of this routine, I was exhausted. When the entire student body rehearsed the ending of the pageant by singing and mimicking the hand and body gestures the teachers were directing at them, I observed both boys’ parents help with as many gestures as they could. I almost broke down in tears.

It wasn’t out of pity for these boys. They don’t know any different. Their world since birth is what it is. I grieved for the parents, for their work, dedication and sacrifice that they make on a daily basis. I know each parent makes sacrifices but I would argue not on the level of parents with a child with a disability. Even what I consider to be a tiny glimpse into these parents’ world is a joke. I get to walk away.

These two blind boys interpret the world in a way their parents, or any of us with sight, couldn’t ever imagine. And this is where the greatest part of my grief is found: As a parent, I imagine you want to give your child the world, to experience life through their eyes, and to be able to help them awake to the world around them. These parents can’t do that. Sight separates parent and child. That’s not to say they can’t do it at all, but the way people with sight interpret the world is, obviously, different from those who are blind. It makes me sad that these parents can’t share their world with their kids. And, ostensibly, their kids can’t share their world with them.

We all have a purpose, or so I believe, and I know that these two boys are adapting and that they’ll be OK. There are many things that they can still do and they work around their challenges. Lord knows we all have challenges with which to contend. I hope, though, that we remember to often pause and appreciate ourselves, our lives, our parents, our kids. I know that any time I may feel frustrated with whatever it is when it comes to accommodating this student, that I will quickly check myself. Prepping my lessons a day or two earlier than I normally would so that they may be transcribed for him is nothing compared to what his parents have to do. And each time I see a smile on this kid’s face or hear him laugh, I will remind myself that happiness and joy don’t need eyes.

Overcoming Adversity

12.01.2010

There are more ways than one that our society teaches kids at a young age what’s considered to be “good” and what’s “bad.” Pick the topic: white is better than black, thin is better than not, rich is better than poor, taller is better than shorter etc.

Imagine yourself coming from the future to today’s world and think about what values you’d see our culture have. Our TV is filled with beautiful, rich people in the latest fashions, talking trash and/or looking for ways to exploit something or anyone for their own gain. What I wish is that we’d hear more stories like the one found in the Sports section of the LA Times from last week titled Finding Purpose.[1]

The story revolves around a high school student who came from a broken home, bounced back and forth from one home to another and eventually tried to kill himself but didn’t succeed. With the right help, he is one of the lucky ones to find himself today flourishing in high school, playing football.

We all have our troubles and we all have stories of obstacles that we overcame, and, obviously, that doesn’t ever stop but I wish we heard more of these stories in the media instead of how many babies Octomom has or what purse Paris Hilton has now. With all the bad news constantly bombarding us, it’s nice to know that there are real people trying to figure it out. It’s especially important, I think, for all teens, not just the troubled ones, to hear stories of those who worked through adversarial forces. Not giving up builds character, not how many parties one can go to in one night.

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[1] http://articles.latimes.com/2010/nov/24/sports/la-sp-1125-plaschke-20101125

The Schedule Leaves No Room

11.21.2010

(I ended on a bit of a sour note the last time I wrote and I, of course, don’t believe that just naturally skinny people should be allowed to have kids. I had a weak moment…)

Obviously I skipped a day and as much as I tried to sit down and write last night, I just didn’t have the time. I had a 17-hour day yesterday and by 11 pm, I just didn’t have it in me. When it comes to planning a family, such a schedule concerns me, which I know I’ve mentioned before. Unfortunately, I’m happiest when I work on creative projects but the kind of projects I do require an intense amount of preparation, focus, and dedication. It really leaves very little room for children. At least in this stage in the game because we don’t have the money to hire a full-time assistant either for me or for a child and so I’m wearing all the hats in order to make the projects move forward. I can’t imagine tacking on mother to my list. If being a mother is a full-time job in itself, I ask the same question I keep asking, how does one have the time to do anything else?

What Color is Your Sky?

07.01.2010

I really didn’t want to write today. At one point I tried to convince myself that it’s because I’m just exhausted with this topic. To be (a parent) or not to be? I mean, really. Why is it so hard? All I’ve ever done is make things more complicated. When most people answer “Blue” to the question “What color is the sky?” I’m the one who answers, “Shades of periwinkle, pink and purple.” I mean, why can’t I just say “blue” and be done with it?

At another point today I thought I could just make up an issue to write about but that quickly proved to be more work than I wanted to put in.

So I’m buckling down and writing the truth because…the reason I started this blog was to explore my emotions, thoughts, opinions, etc and I’m not benefiting anyone, most of all myself, if I don’t include all my emotions, thoughts, opinions, etc. Right?

I was on the bus today coming back from physical therapy for my back when a young woman, maybe even a teen, walked on with a baby and her friend. This got my brain on a rant about teen mothers and blah-blah-blah. I looked at the girl’s baby, a little boy of about 8 or 9 months, and…it got me thinking. (A very dangerous thing.)

“What is your problem?” A deeply recognizable voice from the dark corridors of my imagination asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked innocently.

“You know you’re going to have a child. So what are you waiting for?”

I said nothing hoping that my silence would make this crazy voice go away.

“You are one day going to be in your 50s with or without children. So either way you look at it, life is moving forward. What are you waiting for?” This annoying voice continued.

“But what about my writing and a life of creativity?!” I yelled.

“What about it?” The voice shot back.

How the hell am I losing a battle with my own self? I thought.

I eventually got off the bus and wandered back to my place with odd scenarios playing out in front of me such as me with my own child doing various, fun things together. And for a brief moment, and I mean a brief moment, I let myself enjoy those thoughts.

I often talk about how our society is dictated by fear. How we allow our fears to make decisions for us and how we allow those fears to rob us from living and experiencing life in the moment. I myself have asked people What are you waiting for? in reference to their wanting to start something new but are too scared to (like a new project, losing weight, taking an art class, etc). Each decision can be transformative – for good or for bad – but regardless, it’s one more level of learning (about ourselves).

I decided I wanted to make movies when I was 3 and at age 8 I discovered writing and decided that that’s what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I am obviously doing neither and the odds are strongly against me that either will happen professionally but it was only 4 years that I became serious about my writing and filming. And what I’ve learned in these last few years is that I am doing exactly what I always wanted to do even if I’m not getting paid for it. And I’m happy. Adding a child to the mix wouldn’t be easy and frankly that terrifies me. But I have tasted what it’s like to have a creative outlet for myself and I’m hell bent on never losing that. To give that up would be a sin and unforgivable for me. Therefore, just like anything that’s important, I’d have to figure out a way with Rob where I’d be able to keep the writing and any little film projects on the side because it’s what I need in order to keep going. The 9 to 5 brings the money…but my outlet is writing and filming.

I’m not quite ready to take the plunge…but I am getting slightly closer to answering the question, What are you waiting for? Even if it means complicating my life even more. But then, that’s quite familiar territory.

Firstborns

06.24.2010

I often contemplate birth order and have, in the past, read about it in psychology books and stuff. For the most part, I agree with what doctors and researchers say, such as the firstborns tend to be more methodical, careful, and thoughtful (I’m a first born, though I was a single child for 7 years). Sometimes I wonder how much of these characteristics are innate and how much of it is because that’s how (a) parent(s) treat the firstborn.

For example, all parents that I’ve talked to say they completely freak out with every single boo-boo, fall, stumble, cough, odd poop, cry, etc. with the firstborn. By the time the second one rolls around, as long as the child isn’t bleeding, he/she can do anything. The firstborns lay the track and test out the parents’ skills in order for any child born into the family afterwards to have it easy breezy.

How unfair is this? My whole life I thought it’s been unfair, but then…I’m biased.

I was talking to someone today about this very thing and I was told that it is for this reason (the fact that 2^nd and 3^rd, etc. children that are born) tend to be find more success in their life than the firstborn. Because the older child will constantly err on the side of caution, it is the other siblings that learn from an early age to take risks because the parents let them. That's not to say firstborns can't find success - if you ask me, it is the firstborns that can be hellbent on success by working harder and longer because we're determined to prove ourselves.

But...in order to achieve success, a certain amount of risk does need to be taken. Rob and I are both firstborns and both have difficulty in taking risks. We both have trouble experiencing new things and we think everything through until the issue has no life in it anymore. This is actually quite a downside in our relationship. It poses a huge risk for things to remain stagnant.

So really….how much is it innate and how much is it because our parent(s) treated us in a certain kind of way? This is one more reason why I'm scared to have kids. Will I find myself treating my child differently because he/she is the firstborn and I will expect more out of him/her because he/she is “older?” And will I treat the younger child(ren) differently because, well, they’re the “baby” and need more help? Whatever the case may be, I think each child is different with a different set of strengths and weaknesses and that’s what should dictate whether or not a child can or can’t do something.