The Schedule Leaves No Room

11.21.2010

(I ended on a bit of a sour note the last time I wrote and I, of course, don’t believe that just naturally skinny people should be allowed to have kids. I had a weak moment…)

Obviously I skipped a day and as much as I tried to sit down and write last night, I just didn’t have the time. I had a 17-hour day yesterday and by 11 pm, I just didn’t have it in me. When it comes to planning a family, such a schedule concerns me, which I know I’ve mentioned before. Unfortunately, I’m happiest when I work on creative projects but the kind of projects I do require an intense amount of preparation, focus, and dedication. It really leaves very little room for children. At least in this stage in the game because we don’t have the money to hire a full-time assistant either for me or for a child and so I’m wearing all the hats in order to make the projects move forward. I can’t imagine tacking on mother to my list. If being a mother is a full-time job in itself, I ask the same question I keep asking, how does one have the time to do anything else?

Long Day Warrants a Day Off

11.16.2010

I'm taking the day off. The thing is, I know what I want to write about, in fact, there are two topics I was going to spread over to the next day, but I’ve been under a deadline and my creative juices are all used up by this point in the evening. Come back tomorrow for what, I hope, will be a more interesting post. One thing I will say, though, the hours I’ve put in to meet this deadline are exactly why I’m afraid of having kids. Very long days and skipped meals or late meals…can’t do that with a kid… As Barbara Walters warned, “You can’t have it all.”

How Much To Give Up?

03.27.2010

I landed a little gig as an extra on a film shoot today and I was so completely and totally happy to be on a set again. It’s always one kind of an experience to be running your own set but I absolutely love being on other people’s sets too. And the best part of this experience was that it was a very small production so in between takes and/or in between setting up for the next shot, I was able to stick around the set and watch. This is how I learn; I observe. Back in the day I was an extra on many TV shows, thanks to a friend of mine who used to work at Central Casting, and the difference between large productions and small ones is that you are brought to set when they need you and then hauled off set to a waiting area when they don't. So I didn’t get to do that much observation of what was going on behind-the-scenes back then.

As thrilled as I was to be a part of this production, it got me thinking about the baby issue. The workday for me began at 5:33 am, though, ok, I’ll be honest. I didn’t get up until 6:03. I ran around getting my morning routine done, getting the cats situated, reading my “bring with you” list and making sure I had everything packed and ready to go. I had an errand to run before driving to set, so the pressure was on to be sure I got out of the door by a certain time because I had, at least, a 40 minute drive ahead of me. (And, not to mention, that I am morning-challenged, so this is all quite difficult for me.) Once on set, the day turned into a 10-hour day. Now, I’m not complaining because, as I said, I absolutely love being on set and, for the first time, I recognized how much it feels like home to me.

But, let me reiterate: A TEN-HOUR WORK DAY. Now, when I was teaching, this wasn’t unusual, so it’s not like I’m shocked at the long hours but, unlike teaching, I welcome that 10-hour day. But, if there was a baby in our household, not only would that kind of a workday be a problem, I would’ve most likely had to have passed on this opportunity because it came at the last minute and finding someone to stay with the baby ain’t so easy on short notice (something I’ve taken note of over the years from friends who started having kids).

So, this brings me to my constant, seemingly never ending, struggle: How much of what I love to do, do I give up for the sake of a child? And how do I wrestle with the feeling that there’s a strong possibility I’d be resentful if an opportunity like this comes around and I can’t take it because I can’t find anyone to stay with said child?