Once an Outside, Always an Outsider?

12.15.2010

I walked out of the market this afternoon and passed by what looked like a mommy convention. There must’ve been about 15 new moms with their babies and strollers sitting outside of the store having lunch. I scanned the crowd trying to find someone I could identify with and couldn’t. What exactly I was looking for I couldn’t tell you. Someone who looked like me? Someone who looked terrified? Someone who didn’t belong there? I don’t know. Maybe all of those things.

What I do know is how both scared and sad I felt while looking at this group. I’m not someone who ever fit into one particular crowd. As a teen, I floated between the jocks, the nerds, and, on a rare occasion, the popular crowd. I didn’t want to label myself and made it a point to be friends with everyone. Despite having gone to an all girl’s high school, those cliques were definitely there and I had a rough time freshman year.

But this isn’t a “woe is me” story because, obviously, I survived and I eventually found my circle of friends. But this group of mothers today reminded me of the typical popular girls you see in movies. They were loud, showing off their babies, and clacking like a group of hens. I realized that I would never be a part of a group like that. Not that I really care to be but I feel like because we’re waiting to have a kid, I’m going to find myself outside of the circle of parents who all had kids at about the same time and, like in so many other areas of my life, lagging behind everyone else. It struck me how I might feel like an outsider even while holding a baby amongst other mothers.