Children Filling a Void

03.06.2010

Day #3. J Off to a good start, I’d say.

I was thinking a lot today about parents and their insecurities. I guess it’s sort of a continuation of yesterday’s topic. But I’m so afraid of passing on my own insecurities to my child/ren that it’s actually one of the reasons I hesitate in making a decision in the “yes” department. My life-long issues with food, weight, and trich are a constant battle that to think that I could pass along these problems to an innocent child makes me cringe.[1] Why would I want to knowingly contribute to another human’s challenges?

I see so many women want a child to fill some sort of a void. First of all, I suppose children fill a void in a man’s life. But because I’m not a man, I can’t really speak for that gender. Usually we hear about the woman and her biological clock and this undying need to give birth and hold and raise a child. Lord knows, I know of women who are addicted to newborns. I’m sure we all know a famous one! (Octomom.) But I know of one woman in particular and I’ve heard of others who coerce their husband into having another baby because, well, they “smell good”. Or “they’re so tiny and helpless”. Or “my other children are growing up so fast, I want a newborn in the house again to make me feel needed”.

Really? And we consider bringing another human being into this overpopulated world because we want to feel needed as a valid excuse? Or because we want to smell something nice? To the first one: get a dog. They need you all the time. To the second: wake up early in the morning to spend some time with yourself and walk on the beach. The ocean at that time of day has an awesome smell.

I had a friend with whom my friendship was already on the brink of falling apart when she told me that she was pregnant. I was 6 months away from getting married, I was entering the final phase of graduate school, and I had just started an internship at a non-profit. Our friendship was under some strain because of the guy she had chosen to start dating, and when I would try to reach out to help her, she would push me away. I knew of the atrocities of her childhood and her deep desire for a family, and I knew she was getting up there in age, so from an emotional point-of-view, I understand why she got pregnant. But, as a high school dropout, working at a doctor’s office, taking up with an illegal immigrant, and, at the time, living with a family because she could not afford an apartment of her own, I found the situation to be on the brink of abusive. Why would you bring a child into this situation? And with a man who was not only an illegal but also one who had two or three children and a wife back home. So many women from all walks of life get pregnant to fill an emotional need. And what I think is that it’s so unfair to lay down such a huge responsibility on a soul who never asked to be born in the first place. If you, as an adult, can’t fix your own problem, how is a child supposed to do that?

In the same context, there are women who are in marriages or relationships that are toxic for whatever reason and the mentality is that “If we just have a baby, it’ll make everything better”. Seriously, take a look around. How many people do you know in that very same position? I consider this child abuse, as well. And sometimes a couple is in a loveless marriage but for some reason divorce is not considered an option, so the mentality is that if a baby comes into the picture then it means everything is alright, right?

Why do we do this? You would think that since our society is so baby-oriented that we want to do everything in our power to make life for the baby as comfortable and stable. Yet how much attention is paid to the here and now? Is it that we’re so afraid of failure? Is it that we’re afraid to accept responsibility for the mistakes we made that led us to the position we’re in at that moment? And why do we convince ourselves that bringing a baby into the situation is going to make everything better? Is it that we become addicted to the symbolism of a baby, of its newness and 2^nd chances, which make us feel that all the problems will just go away?

And why don’t we realize that this is just a mask? That running from the problems or sweeping them under a rug may temporarily dispose of them but they will always come back with a vengeance. And by that point, you have one or more kids that will have to witness all the junk that at one point was thought to have been kept in hiding. How fair is that?

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[1] “Trich” is short for trichotillomania, a hair pulling disorder that I have dealt with since I was 12.