Autism and Other Disabilities

01.02.2011

I watched the movie Temple Grandin on HBO that stars Claire Danes whom I absolutely love. She plays the woman Temple Grandin who is an autistic person and overcomes challenges to create a system for slaughterhouses that are more humane for cattle. It’s a wonderful movie, very well done and, obviously, well acted.

The movie often touches upon instances of hardship for Temple growing up, painfully sticking out from the rest, observing and interpreting the word differently. Students made fun of her and some would go out of their way to be mean.

It breaks my heart how cruel we are to each other. I understand that kids may not know any better but in my limited amount of child observation, I think it’s safe to say that if a child goes out of his/her way to be cruel to another child or make fun of them, it stems from something deeper. I would say that the parents aren’t doing their job in steering the child into a more compassionate circle. Of course, each scenario is different and, as I think I’ve mentioned a while ago, I’m not immune from being a part of a crowd that makes fun of someone.

I think it boils down to education. Unfortunately, I’ve worked with children who have some sort of a learning disability and though I’m not equipped to diagnose, there are ways to guess that a child’s learning ability is off. What breaks my heart is when parents refuse to accept that their child has a problem as is often the case in the Lithuanian community with those parents who are immigrants. They believe their child’s inability to learn is a reflection on them so it’s easier to ignore the problem. And any blame is placed on the teacher.

Whatever the situation, being aware of a child’s needs is important and even with the array of knowledge that our society has on the different disabilities I think we could do more. I think parents can do more.

Four Christmases in July

07.04.2010

Happy July 4^th!

Today we spent the afternoon at this family’s home whose block on which they live closed down for a “block party.” I had never been to a block party though I remember as a kid always wanting to go to one because of the Sesame Street “Block Party” record that I had. I never watched Sesame Street growing up because we didn’t own a TV but, for some reason, I absolutely loved that album.

Chatting, eating and observing, I couldn’t help but feel like I was living out the words that Reese Witherspoon’s character, Kate, in Four Christmases tells her boyfriend, Brad, who’s played by Vince Vaughn in this one scene toward the end of the movie. The thing about Kate and Brad is that they are a power couple from NY who consistently avoid their respective families, they don’t believe in marriage and kids, and want to have the freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want. Thanks to some bad luck, Kate and Brad end up having to visit their families for Christmas and their day’s journey is what the movie is about.

The scene that I’m referring to is when Kate tells Brad that she’s taken a pregnancy test earlier in the day which causes Brad to completely freak out.

Kate: Relax, Brad. It was negative. I’m not pregnant.

Brad: Well jeez, why don’t you just hit me with that right from the start? Instead of making me take laps around the anxiety pool.

Kate: What is this reaction?

Brad: Listen, if there’s one thing we’ve learned by being forced to being around our families today it’s about the dangers of procreating. Besides, that’s not the things that we want in life.

Kate: Brad, I realized it today. I thought for sure, I’d always known that I didn’t want to have kids and I took this test, I’m waiting to see if it’s positive or negative and I thought, for just a second. I felt…different. You know? I felt hopeful. Like maybe it would just happen and we’d be forced to get over all our fears. We have spent so much of our relationship creating all these boundaries you know and making sure that we don’t limit ourselves with responsibility…and obligations, and I don’t wanna live like that anymore. Because that’s not loving at all.

Brad: Is that an eighties song?

I remember when I saw the movie in the theatre, Kate’s short monologue really hit home especially the part where she says they’ve spent so much time creating the boundaries making sure that limits aren’t made and that if she just got pregnant they’d be “forced” to get over their fears. I have actually had that same exact thought before.

While observing the parents with their children today, I thought about how I’m sure they all have moments of insanity and moments of doubt, but coming together for a holiday is one of the upsides of those downsides. Everything occurs in cycles and without bad there is no good and without good there is no bad. Kids or no kids you’re going to have a day that’s good and you’re going to have a day that’s more challenging. One a particularly challenging day, kids might increase the stress…but on those days that are good…you have more family members to help celebrate. And on either kind of day, you have an extra pair of hands to stand in the corner and help cheer you up or help cheer you on. Family is what people want when they are most in need…not necessarily the freedom to get up and go whenever they please. I think parenthood is one of the most difficult jobs in the world but I can see flashes of how it could also be rewarding.

Sex and The City 2 and the Neighbors

06.16.2010

There are moments in life where the spirit moves you. Literally.

Back to Sex and the City 2 for a moment and an issue that really hit home that, for whatever reason (probably wanting to hide from myself), I didn’t want to admit bugged me as much as it did. If you read my “Unexpected Detours” entry, you know that I don’t do well with emotions.

The characters of Carrie and Big don’t want children. They remind each other throughout the movie that it’s just the two of them and, at the beginning of the movie, they tell a couple at a wedding about how, despite loving children, having them just isn’t who they are as a couple.

There’s definitely a part of me that gets that. And scarily so. But as the movie progressed and showed their daily schedule of ordering in or going out to their favorite restaurants, or Big settling on the couch for the evening and she settling in next to him…it got me thinking. Their home had amazing décor that will never have drawings in crayon on them. And that’s OK. They have the luxury of going out whenever and for however long they want. And that’s fine too (and something I thoroughly enjoy doing with my husband). But, I got a sense from these scenes that there was very much something missing.

During the scene where Carrie gives Big an engraved watch for their anniversary, I felt a sadness come over me. The engraving was about how it was just going to be the two of them for the rest of their lives. And as happy as that seemed to make them I suddenly realized that if one of them died, that’s it. The memories they’ve created together would continuously remain in her or his memory bank. Alone.

Well, being the great emotional pusher-asider that I am, I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. Until today.

I have lived in the same building for 27 years. If I’m still here in 3 years, I can celebrate 30 years; not a milestone I really want to achieve. (Perhaps I’ll blog about the reasons someday.) As you can imagine, living in a place for this long, you get to know your neighbors. Many people with whom I grew up still live in the building including the neighbors with whom we share a patio fence.

These particular neighbors and my family were never close but they are very much a part of my childhood. They would keep to themselves and even their kids were recluses and the mother kind of scared me. I think there was a lot of pain behind her eyes and her gruff behavior but, as a kid, you just know what scares you.

I noticed a few months ago that it had been at least a year ½ that I last saw the mother and I got confirmation today that she passed away about a year ago. The first thought that came to my mind was the anniversary watch scene from Sex and the City 2. Even though my neighbors aren’t necessarily the friendliest and kept to themselves, they were a family of 4 with their own rituals, traditions, and memories.

I have noticed that the son comes over at least 2-3 times a week to be with his dad who, I have to say, hasn’t been looking well himself lately. But…what he has is a son (and daughter) and shared memories to help with the pain of having lost his partner.

The idea of having a/n (adult) child to hold on to in times of trouble, in times of loneliness if, God forbid, you lose your partner…it’s the common bond that ties you. And, strangely, in this context, having a child doesn’t scare me as much as living a life alone without the love of my life were I to ever lose him.

Sex and the City 2

06.14.2010

Sometimes we find a connection to things in the least expected places and at the least expected times. For reasons I won’t go into, my sister and I had the luck of having the afternoon free so we decided to grab the bull by the horns and finally go see the movie Sex and the City 2.

Now, I never watched the show when it was on TV. In fact, I loathed hearing about it and the only reason I saw the first movie is because my mother-in-law invited me and since we occasionally are movie buddies, I figured I didn’t want to turn down an opportunity to go see a movie with her. Plus, I saw it while my sister was in Korea for a year and I decided that in honor of her, a devout follower of the show, I would go see it. I ended up really liking the movie and since then will catch an episode here and there on cable and I begrudgingly have to admit that it’s a fun show.

Anyway, there’s a part in Sex and the City 2 where the characters Miranda and Charlotte are sitting at a bar and talking mom to mom. Miranda tells Charlotte to open up about motherhood and Charlotte, staying true to form, wouldn’t admit that anything was wrong. Then Miranda uttered words I never thought I would ever hear another woman say (other than maybe me):

“I love Bradley [her son]. Don’t get me wrong, I love him. But I miss my job. Being a mom is not enough.”

I actually started to well up at this part because for the first time, I didn’t feel alone.