Family Support

12.24.2010

Happy Christmas Eve! What a successful evening… It would’ve been great to have my mom and grandmother here but we were all together in spirit. I had a great time and the food came out particularly well, which I’m happy about.

I’m lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful family and should a little one enter our lives, I know that he or she (and I) will have a tremendous amount of support. And amidst the crazy amount of concerns and reasons for hesitation I have, knowing this gives me comfort.

Anticipating Santa

12.23.2010

I’m taking a pass on writing anything remotely interesting. I’ve just been cooking for the past 4 hours and I have to wake up early tomorrow. Boo!

I will say, though, that while I prepped food, I thought about all those times growing up and spending Christmas in Chicago, and how my sister and I would be taken out after dinner to go see all the different decorated houses. We were told that when we got back Santa might be there dropping off gifts so as much as I enjoyed seeing all the different homes, I couldn’t wait until it was time to head back to my grandmother’s. And, of course, every time we arrived, Santa had “just left,” and I remember the feeling of disappointment that I, yet again, wouldn’t be the only kid in my class to come back to school and report that I had, indeed, seen and met Santa. Oddly, almost 30 years later, I could still remember that feeling of anticipation…

Pregnant Belly Photos

12.09.2010

I’m probably a Scrooge but what is this fad of pregnant women taking photos of themselves and their bellies while somewhat naked? I understand that most people consider pregnancy to be beautiful and something to be celebrated, and I can certainly appreciate the art of the photos separate from the subject matter but I don’t know. I just find it a tad bit creepy. There was one photo I saw once where a ribbon was tied around a very pregnant and protruding belly. I raised an eyebrow unsure of what to make of this Dali-esque image in front of me. And hey, Dali’s one of my favorite artists.

I’m not saying a pregnant woman should hide. Hell, I’m learning that pregnant women can keep a sense of fashion. And that’s awesome. But I just don’t want to see flaunting bellies. I don’t find that cute.

I mean, if someone like me were to take a photo like that, I would have jelly rolls hanging off the side of my body AND a big, fat belly. That’s gross. So when I see mainly skinny women taking these photos (and most of them look amazing, beautiful, and still bloody skinny), it makes me relive my insecure teens all over again. Can’t we find other ways to celebrate pregnancy, like with clothes on?

More Than Just Pumpkin Carving

10.24.2010

I want to carve a pumpkin for Halloween but it’s not the same doing it alone. Rob’s not into it and it’s not one of those things I want to “force” him to do. My sister and I carved pumpkins when she was briefly living with us two years ago but that was the first and last time I did that in the last 10 years, I think.

It’s one of those things you do as a family. At least, that’s how it was while I was growing up and I know that if we had kids, I would be totally all about carving one with them. I think I’m becoming one of those people who dislikes the holidays because it reminds you how lonely it can be. I know what could change all that but I don’t know if having a kid so that I don’t feel sad during the holidays makes a good enough “excuse” to have one. Thanksgiving and Christmas should be really interesting…

A Room with a View

09.22.2010

If you’ve read past entries and remember, you know I’ve lived in my apartment for 27 years. As a result, I’ve lived in every bedroom at different points in my life so you can imagine that I should know the view from each window pretty well. But, as this morning proved, I don’t.

Before going on my walk, I decided to be good and stretch. While stretching my quads, I looked out of the window and noticed that I could see this one house’s attic. It took a moment to realize that that’s what I was looking at and then I was taken aback. How many times did I look out of this same window and how did I never see an attic?

Then, while on my walk, I reached a street that’s on my route and, for reasons that don’t matter, decided to cross it and walk on the other side. I started to notice scenes that I had never seen before. I questioned how after 31 years of living in the same town, how did I never notice certain building’s designs and architecture, windows, colors and shapes?

By this point in the morning, I had two examples of looking at something I saw for decades and it appearing different. This got me thinking. What if I shifted my own kaleidoscopic perspective on having kids and looked at it through different shapes and colors?

So I did.

I imagined we had a kid of about three and he was in the car with me singing his ABCs from the backseat. I imagined our daughter asking “Why?” after anything and everything I said. I imagined her being held by Rob as he swung her up and down, giggling.

I then imagined midnight feedings, diaper changes, and temper tantrums. I imagined holding her hand at the doctor’s office as she got a shot or feeling bad that I worked late and missed bedtime. I imagined feeling both scared and elated for his future and insecure of my decisions. I imagined family gatherings and family vacations, and even alone time with Rob talking about all the silly things our kid says and does.

This exercise made me think about how it doesn’t matter how conservatively or liberally we live our live. We are creatures of habit; we like our patterns and rituals. It’s hard to force yourself to look through the same window of your life and see something different because we often don’t pay attention to the details. But when it happens, whether consciously or by accident, the experience offers an awakening to the fact that there’s more to life than the daily grind.

The conclusion to my kaleidoscopic shift of a possible future with a kid is –

Well, let’s say that I liked what I saw. Poopy diapers and all.

Happier Families = Happier Kids

07.23.2010

The same Psychology Today magazine I was referring to the other day has an article in it about families and happiness. Being an issue near and dear to my heart, I, of course, read it. Here’s a summary with my notes:[1]

1) "Communicate Well and Often" – the best part was reading about a family where the parents encouraged their children to work out their differences without parental influence. I think this is an excellent idea because not only does it teach the children a way to problem solve on their own but it achieves two greater goals. One, each child has to figure out what is their best communication strategy and second, the issue of parental favoritism gets squashed to a minimum.

2) "Build Rituals" – the worst part of “ritual” is that it’s predictable. But the best part is that it’s dependable. Each person in the family knows what he/she is responsible for and it helps to run a tight ship. It also teaches team-building and that in order to have a successful dinner, party, or just a successful day with as little mishap as possible, it’s necessary that each person play a part.

3) "Stay Flexible" – as important as the ritual may be, it’s equally important to participate in the magic of spontaneity. When you plan something and it goes accordingly, there’s always a sense of accomplishment. But when you turn from the usual road you travel on you open yourself up to the possibility of some amazing memories.

4) "Have Fun and Reach Out Together" – do things together as a family even if that means dragging out a teenager who’d rather stay locked up in his/her room. Spending time together outside of the normal environment allows for kids to see their parents in a different light and vice versa.

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[1] Rosenberg, Amy Psychology Today, August 2010, pp. 62-69.

Choices Aren't Always Easy

07.20.2010

I was thinking today about this one family that I know whose daughter is over their house with her husband and little girl almost every weekend. Yesterday, the grandfather said to me that it’s so easy to forget how long it takes to dress a little kid and he wondered out loud how he and his wife had any time to do anything while raising their kids.

Sometimes I’m slow (uhh…I’m often slow) but his comment made me realize that my criticism of people who spend so much time with their families once their kid is born may have been harsh. Way harsh.

Everyone tells me that you want family around when you have kids because they’re a great help. But what I never realized is how that help works.

I look at this family’s daughter and she’s always tired, running after a little one, making sure she’s not breaking bones or putting something toxic into her mouth. Doing this by yourself and I’m mean totally and completely by yourself all day, every day, would drive any person bananas no matter how doting.

I can see that out of sheer necessity for sanity whoever is the stay-at-home parent needs to have help and who better than family? It was like a light bulb went off today. That’s not to say I still feel a tinge of being slighted by those people I once considered friends and who now never make time but let’s say I understand their plight a little better. Once a kid comes into your life, everything changes: the rules, the dynamic, and the relationships.

Accepting Family

07.05.2010

I’ve been really missing my mom this passed weekend. She moved to Lithuania 2 years ago and I haven’t seen her since x-mas ’08 and it’s a mystery when I’ll be seeing her next.

I long ago learned that I had to accept my mom for whom she is and, like parents with their children, I had to accept that she’s going to make her own decisions regardless of what others may or may not think. As an artist, she has always lived her life by her emotions and desires first which always made for a creative environment to grow up in but it had and does have its drawbacks.

This acceptance of a family member’s decision that you don’t necessarily agree with is very difficult. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way but it’s very challenging for me to have to accept that certain things aren’t viewed in the same way as I view them. And I know that parents have to deal with this and their children constantly. If you see that your child is making a mistake, it’s important that you step back and let him/her make the mistake because how else is she/he going to learn? When your child hurts, you hurt. When your child’s happy and excited, so, as a parent, are you.

Our decisions affect more than just us. My mom’s decision to move has affected everyone that she knows and directly changed my (and my sister’s) life forever. Especially because a flight to Lithuania can’t be done over a weekend.

I don’t know how good I would be in stepping back with my opinions and the like if my child were making a decision that I don’t agree with. I’ve had to be in a mother role for most of my life and I think it’s contributed to my decision to not have kids earlier. The emotional entanglement involved in guiding and raising kids can go deep and when the kid goes against that guidance in some way, the decision can cut deeply. It’s because I’ve had to deal with a lot of decisions made around me that have cut deeply that makes me sometimes wonder how much of that do I want to willingly bring back into my life? How easy is it to differentiate between your child as the child you want to control and the child who is his/her own individual? How do you know when to let go and when to hang on?

Four Christmases in July

07.04.2010

Happy July 4^th!

Today we spent the afternoon at this family’s home whose block on which they live closed down for a “block party.” I had never been to a block party though I remember as a kid always wanting to go to one because of the Sesame Street “Block Party” record that I had. I never watched Sesame Street growing up because we didn’t own a TV but, for some reason, I absolutely loved that album.

Chatting, eating and observing, I couldn’t help but feel like I was living out the words that Reese Witherspoon’s character, Kate, in Four Christmases tells her boyfriend, Brad, who’s played by Vince Vaughn in this one scene toward the end of the movie. The thing about Kate and Brad is that they are a power couple from NY who consistently avoid their respective families, they don’t believe in marriage and kids, and want to have the freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want. Thanks to some bad luck, Kate and Brad end up having to visit their families for Christmas and their day’s journey is what the movie is about.

The scene that I’m referring to is when Kate tells Brad that she’s taken a pregnancy test earlier in the day which causes Brad to completely freak out.

Kate: Relax, Brad. It was negative. I’m not pregnant.

Brad: Well jeez, why don’t you just hit me with that right from the start? Instead of making me take laps around the anxiety pool.

Kate: What is this reaction?

Brad: Listen, if there’s one thing we’ve learned by being forced to being around our families today it’s about the dangers of procreating. Besides, that’s not the things that we want in life.

Kate: Brad, I realized it today. I thought for sure, I’d always known that I didn’t want to have kids and I took this test, I’m waiting to see if it’s positive or negative and I thought, for just a second. I felt…different. You know? I felt hopeful. Like maybe it would just happen and we’d be forced to get over all our fears. We have spent so much of our relationship creating all these boundaries you know and making sure that we don’t limit ourselves with responsibility…and obligations, and I don’t wanna live like that anymore. Because that’s not loving at all.

Brad: Is that an eighties song?

I remember when I saw the movie in the theatre, Kate’s short monologue really hit home especially the part where she says they’ve spent so much time creating the boundaries making sure that limits aren’t made and that if she just got pregnant they’d be “forced” to get over their fears. I have actually had that same exact thought before.

While observing the parents with their children today, I thought about how I’m sure they all have moments of insanity and moments of doubt, but coming together for a holiday is one of the upsides of those downsides. Everything occurs in cycles and without bad there is no good and without good there is no bad. Kids or no kids you’re going to have a day that’s good and you’re going to have a day that’s more challenging. One a particularly challenging day, kids might increase the stress…but on those days that are good…you have more family members to help celebrate. And on either kind of day, you have an extra pair of hands to stand in the corner and help cheer you up or help cheer you on. Family is what people want when they are most in need…not necessarily the freedom to get up and go whenever they please. I think parenthood is one of the most difficult jobs in the world but I can see flashes of how it could also be rewarding.

Sex and The City 2 and the Neighbors

06.16.2010

There are moments in life where the spirit moves you. Literally.

Back to Sex and the City 2 for a moment and an issue that really hit home that, for whatever reason (probably wanting to hide from myself), I didn’t want to admit bugged me as much as it did. If you read my “Unexpected Detours” entry, you know that I don’t do well with emotions.

The characters of Carrie and Big don’t want children. They remind each other throughout the movie that it’s just the two of them and, at the beginning of the movie, they tell a couple at a wedding about how, despite loving children, having them just isn’t who they are as a couple.

There’s definitely a part of me that gets that. And scarily so. But as the movie progressed and showed their daily schedule of ordering in or going out to their favorite restaurants, or Big settling on the couch for the evening and she settling in next to him…it got me thinking. Their home had amazing décor that will never have drawings in crayon on them. And that’s OK. They have the luxury of going out whenever and for however long they want. And that’s fine too (and something I thoroughly enjoy doing with my husband). But, I got a sense from these scenes that there was very much something missing.

During the scene where Carrie gives Big an engraved watch for their anniversary, I felt a sadness come over me. The engraving was about how it was just going to be the two of them for the rest of their lives. And as happy as that seemed to make them I suddenly realized that if one of them died, that’s it. The memories they’ve created together would continuously remain in her or his memory bank. Alone.

Well, being the great emotional pusher-asider that I am, I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. Until today.

I have lived in the same building for 27 years. If I’m still here in 3 years, I can celebrate 30 years; not a milestone I really want to achieve. (Perhaps I’ll blog about the reasons someday.) As you can imagine, living in a place for this long, you get to know your neighbors. Many people with whom I grew up still live in the building including the neighbors with whom we share a patio fence.

These particular neighbors and my family were never close but they are very much a part of my childhood. They would keep to themselves and even their kids were recluses and the mother kind of scared me. I think there was a lot of pain behind her eyes and her gruff behavior but, as a kid, you just know what scares you.

I noticed a few months ago that it had been at least a year ½ that I last saw the mother and I got confirmation today that she passed away about a year ago. The first thought that came to my mind was the anniversary watch scene from Sex and the City 2. Even though my neighbors aren’t necessarily the friendliest and kept to themselves, they were a family of 4 with their own rituals, traditions, and memories.

I have noticed that the son comes over at least 2-3 times a week to be with his dad who, I have to say, hasn’t been looking well himself lately. But…what he has is a son (and daughter) and shared memories to help with the pain of having lost his partner.

The idea of having a/n (adult) child to hold on to in times of trouble, in times of loneliness if, God forbid, you lose your partner…it’s the common bond that ties you. And, strangely, in this context, having a child doesn’t scare me as much as living a life alone without the love of my life were I to ever lose him.

Biology vs. Ideology

06.13.2010

I saw a friend’s posting recently of her and her kids and their family. The photos included your typical family vacation, family outings, family with friends, etc. But there was one particular photo that caught my attention. It was, like I said, your typical picture of mom with her kids and a friend with the her own kid, but they were all hanging out on the carpet of someone’s house. As the kids crawled around and the mom’s looked at the camera, I got such a sense of contentment from the photo. Not contentment on my side but just that the people in the photo looked really happy to be where they were doing what they were doing.

I found myself jealous. I found myself jealous because they seemed so happy with their decision…so happy to have friends and family with children around them. I have so many memories like that growing up and, when our time comes to end our journey in this lifetime, it’s not the days we had at our jobs that we’ll remember or how much money’s in our bank account. Not that I speak from experience, cause I haven’t knocked on death’s door, but I’m imagining that one would remember the moments that are more meaningful than remembering the sum total of your bank account. But what do I know? My point is, I found myself wishing that I had those meaningful memories to be able to pass on down to my own children and, almost instantaneously, a heaviness came over me. I can’t reconcile what is obviously innate with my ideological thoughts. And I’m just continuing to meditate on these thoughts because I am desperate for a sign to point me in the right direction. People say, “You’ll know one day. You’ll wake up and you’ll know.” But no one EVER told me that I would have this fierce internal struggle between what is biological and what is ideological. Figures this would happen to me.

Disneyland

05.16.2010

Went to Disneyland today with my sister to celebrate her birthday and I was astounded at how many newborns were brought to the park. Not just that, but there were a number of pregnant women there too. I guess an argument can be that when you’re pregnant you can’t stop living your life, but I don’t understand the newborn thing. In either scenario, you, the adult, are paying full price to get into the park. And it’s not cheap. Plus, someone doesn’t get to go on the rides because someone has to stay with the baby. So you’re ostensibly paying $72 to babysit your own kid. Couldn’t you do something else as a family that wouldn’t cost so much money? I can’t imagine going to Disneyland as a family until our kid is old enough to appreciate it (meaning, old enough to take in the wonder and “magic” of the place. A newborn sleeps, eats, and craps). This isn't necessarily a criticism cause, hell, it's not my money. People are completely entitled to spend their money and their time however they see fit. But I will say this, though. I was kinda glad I didn’t have to deal with a tired child at the end of the night. Getting out of the car and collapsing into my bed was about as much as I could handle. And knowing that moments like that where I’m taking care of just myself are maybe drawing to a close, I relished every second of it.

TV Inspires II

04.28.2010

Watched an episode of Parenthood and there’s a scene where Adam’s wife comes back from a weekend away where she helped an old friend on the campaign trail. She was explaining to Adam how exciting it was to be back in the workforce and how great she felt, and that she was offered a full-time position as the candidate’s Communications Director and that she really wanted the job.

At that point, Adam said he supported her and that they’d figure out how her schedule would coincide with the kids’ schedule and that they’d have to make a lot of adjustments (especially with the recent diagnosis of their son’s Asberger’s), but that they’d figure it out. As he was pin-pong-ing ideas of how to make it work, you could see the look on his wife’s face grew more and more long and filled with concern because it was a lot of adjustments just so that she could take the job. At the end of the scene, she decides that it just wasn’t the right time to take a job.

I thought I’d cry a river at this point because that’s EXACTLY how I feel about kids as a woman: Do you have kids and give up a career and 18 years later look in the mirror and ask, Where am I and why? Or do you forfeit the kids and run the risk of 18 years going by and regretting your decision looking in the mirror and asking, Where am I and why?

I guess…either way…you’re asking the same questions.

Laughter Is Truly Medicine

04.27.2010

My sister and I helped out my good friend who runs Writers Bloc Presents at an event tonight with Carol Burnett and Tim Conway. My sister told me of an incredible story that a woman told her that really touched both of our hearts and I wanted to share.

This older woman’s mother is in the last stages of Alzheimer’s but whenever she and her sister put on a Carol Burnett album, their mother returns to them, even if it’s for a few moments, and the three of them can be present together in the room laughing at the jokes Carol Burnett says just like old times when they’d watch her show on TV. And every time that happens, this woman and her sister cherish these moments as if they were pieces of gold…

This touched me so much because it reminds me that it doesn’t matter who you are, in the end, we’re all going to die in some way and what’s most important is having our family with us in whatever way possible. That, and any memories we have and share, is what will pull us through.

The Idea of Family and Its Change

04.14.2010

I sometimes wonder what people’s attitude is going to be toward children and families in 150 to 200 years from now. Looking back that same amount of years, the meaning of children and family had a relatively different definition. Most people lived in small towns and/or ran a farm and so a family had may kids to have more hands on the farm to help out. Plus, the death rate for children was fairly high, so if you had 10 kids perhaps only 6 or 7 would survive. Having kids was more like an economic necessity and not out of a feeling of warmth or stability.

But when the Industrial Revolution took off after the Civil War so many things began to change and the family unit was no different. Women began marrying for love and choosing their partners instead of being paired off for, again, economic reasons or status reasons. With this choice now, women were having children later – still early according to our standards today, but women weren’t getting married and having kids at 13 or 14 anymore. They were waiting till their late teens, for example. Also, by living in the city, having children was no longer about an economic necessity and so you didn’t have 10 kids. You could get by with 2 or 3 depending on your social and financial status. I think this is where the cultural shift occurs in how society views children and families. Of course, we could break it down even more to socio-economic status, immigrant status, or race, but, for now, I’ll refrain from all of that.

We are such a crazed society for babies but I often think about how I feel like it’s all a mask. Our education sucks, for example. If we truly cared about our children, about the future of America, we’d invest in education. And yet, that always falls to the bottom. Even in private school. I’ll never forget my 2^nd year teaching and realizing at the end of the year that the history teacher was teaching from a book that was published in the 1980s! She was teaching them history that was based on old information AND, when doing geography, was using maps from that time period too. So, if you wanted to find Lithuania or another Baltic State on the map you couldn’t cause they were all under the Soviet Union map. Families were paying hundred of dollars a month for a supposedly excellent, private education, and yet, they were being taught with 10-year plus old information. Really? That’s thinking about our children?

This Thing We Call "Family"

04.05.2010

I spent more time thinking about my mom and grandmother. See, I don’t get to talk to my mom on Skype that often and even less with my grandmother. Plus I over think everything, so it’s just natural for me to obsess about something.

Right before we were going to say our good-byes I asked my sister to take a photo of my mom and grandmother on Skype. They were so cute together, cuddling up, mother and daughter, making faces and/or my grandmother not really knowing where to look cause Skype still weirds her out. I was looking at the photo of the two of them today and I thought, “If I continue the route I’m going, I will never experience that.” What I was referring to was the fact that my mom and her mom were able to cuddle up with each other and regardless of their ages, they were still, and will always be, mother and daughter. “Mother and daughter…”

My mother-in-law asked me a few months ago if I would like to have a daughter first or a son. I started to chuckle and then ended in a sigh and replied, “I don’t know. Mother-daughter relationships are so volatile so I don’t know if I want to go through that. But then I don’t think I could ever relate to a teenaged boy, so I don’t know if I want to go through that.” She, of course, laughed at the comical way I delivered my line with such dramatic “my life is hard” flair, but underneath the comedy, I was actually quite serious.

Babies are all cute and cuddly but then they become these [fill in the blank] for about ten years and then you just hope that they forgive your parenting style and want to talk to you for the rest of their lives. Some families never overcome the schisms that may happen, others do. Or, at least, for the most part they do.

Why are families so complicated? It seems like it should all work out so perfectly. Girl meets boy, they fall in love, have the perfect wedding and start a family. But what you’re not told about is all of the little cracks in the façade that entail people’s personalities, dreams or failed dreams, hopes or broken hopes, desires, plans and changes in plans, changes in moods, etc. On paper it all makes sense. In practicality, it doesn’t. I’m not saying this because I’m not happy being married; God no! I’m just talking about how the steps to becoming a family and starting a family, etc. seem like it should all be so easy but no one tells you about how truly difficult it is. I always thought adults had it all figured out and now that I’ve officially been an adult for almost 20 years now, I’m still waiting for the light to turn on. I’m still waiting for that “a-ha” moment where I can say, “Oh, yes, so NOW I’m an adult because I have it all figured out.” I sometimes see the light flickering…but it never stays on long enough for me to definitively know.

Family Separation

04.04.2010

Happy Easter!

Talked to my mom and grandmother on Skype this morning when my sister came over. The last time all 4 of us talked at the same time was X-mas 2008. My grandmother looks amazing and it’s hard to believe she’s going to be 91 in 2 weeks. I’m lucky to have such genes. But seeing them over the computer screen just makes me sad. I mean, I’m glad for Skype, but it’s still a cheap substitute to having the person be in the room with you.

What’s adding to my sadness is that my sister has decided to move out of the country and we’re all going to be separated. Again. I think this way especially because of the notion that Rob and I may be starting a family in the next year. During pregnancy, whenever that may be, I’ll really be on my own and that saddens me. The trip to and from Lithuania is incredibly expensive and is a very long trip, up to 2 days, and my mom has all these animals that she can’t leave behind. So, even without my sister leaving for a year, I already know that during pregnancy and, at least, the 1^st year of the child’s life or until I can get myself and the child over to Lithuania, my mom won’t be around. Planning for a child and the whole pregnancy thing should be times that are joyous and I don’t know how something that already terrifies me isn’t going to completely destroy me without family around. Of course, I don’t want to discount Rob and his family and I know they’ll be there and help with whatever is needed. But, I think, at least, women will understand when I say that sometimes you just want your mom and/or your sister. There's this bond that, if you're lucky enough, you create with your mom and your sister/sibling (if you have one) that's difficult to duplicate. I think any woman can understand that. This bond somehow is transferred to groups of girlfriends or even just one other girlfriend. It's important and necessary and without it, life is empty.

Holidays and Families

04.01.2010

Happy April Fool’s Day!

This week is Easter week and I’ve been thinking a lot about how the holidays were when I was growing up. Twice a year, for Christmas and Easter, I’d get a new holiday outfit – usually a dress that my mom picked out – to wear to church. My grandmother would always fly out for the Easter holidays (and we’d go to Chicago for Christmas) and there’d be all this food preparation depending on the holiday and for Easter our traditional Lithuanian egg dying. I would always give something up for Lent, usually chocolate, and then Easter morning gorge myself giving myself a stomach ache before mass. All these little routine family traditions are something I really miss…kind of like I was talking about yesterday.

I understand that having kids could relieve some of this. With a bambino in the house there’s suddenly a need to do the Easter egg hunts, and baskets, and Easter bunny stories, family get-togethers, etc. But I sometimes wonder if there’s isn’t this weird transformation that happens in that whatever emptiness we may feel or whatever sadness we may feel, and we substitute it or sugar-coat it with having kids. Kids let us relive our childhood memories creating a kind of deja-vu that, perhaps, provides an odd sense of contentment.

TV Inspires

03.31.21010

Rob and I have a number of favorite TV shows that we watch – mainly my picks, hee, hee, hee – and, last night, we were catching up on one of them, Parenthood. At one point during the show, Rob turned to me and said that the show builds up your stress and then eases it by having some touching moment that makes you want to cry. I agree. There have been very few shows, in my opinion, that were worth watching. Most family-oriented TV shows throughout the 90s and 2000s were so demeaning to family and, as a matter of fact, I just saw a blurb in the LA Times about how family shows are now changing to softer dialogue. I think this is great. Shows like Everybody Loves Raymond, for example, I thought was a good show at first, but after watching it a bit more closely, I realized how demeaning it is to men. This is a step backward. Feminism isn’t about putting down men and making them feel worthless, it’s about acceptance and fairness.

But back to the show. My favorite part of the day is when we all settle in for the evening after dinner and watch a little TV or catch a movie. We convene in Rob’s office (because that’s where I insist the TV be) and our two cats follow us in there and settle themselves on my lap, sometimes on top of each other, sometimes next to each other, but always on my lap. It’s a lovely feeling to be there with everyone I love and I sometimes wonder how much a child is going to alter this picture. I’m not saying this negatively.

There was a scene toward the end of Parenthood where everyone’s hanging out at the grandparents’ house and the guys were playing some basketball, the women, of course, were by the food and with the children, and the scene just brought me so much contentment. It made me think about all the x-mas holidays when we went to Chicago and how on x-mas day we’d go out to Indiana to my cousin’s and spend the day there with, like, 50 family members. Those big family gatherings are something I miss more than anything. There’s something about big families and holidays and the feeling of “belonging”. There’s a routine, there’s a system, and, as a kid, I never realized just how important this all was. It made me think about how empty I’ve felt since my grandmother moved back to Lithuanian in 1998 and that part of my routine came to a complete halt not to be picked up again, most likely, until we have kids.

Rob and I have a ton of friends here in LA and they’ve definitely become family so much so that when we talk about moving to another city it gives us both pause when we realize exactly who we’d be leaving behind. But these friends have their own families that they go to during the holidays or birthdays or other special occasions. They don’t come to our house. And now that my mom lives in Lithuania, my biological family has shrunk even more to just me and my sister; something I don’t want to ever lose but might. It makes me wonder why family becomes more important to us as we get older and becomes of the utmost importance to us when we have kids. When we’re teens we want nothing to do with our families but at some point that switches and, if we’re lucky enough, we still have them around and we can appreciate them. For all the havoc that families create, it’s those little precious moments we have with them that stay in our minds and hearts and maybe that’s a contributing factor to why people have kids.