Work, Guilt, and You Can't Have It All

11.14.2010

I’m currently reading Barbara Walters’ memoir, Audition, and I’m surprised at how much I’m enjoying it. It’s a rather thick book and all I think about is that it'll take me years to finish.

A few days ago, I came across her chapter where she writes about adopting her daughter, Jackie. I admire Barbara Walters on so many levels and grew up watching her on ABC’s 20/20 with Lynn Sherr (whose bio I read last year) and Hugh Downs, and Barbara was part of the group of women who trail blazed a path for women in journalism and the entertainment industry. So needless to say, what she had to say in this chapter on becoming a mother overnight was something I paid close attention to. She writes

…Is there a working mother on earth who doesn’t [feel guilt]? Mine was compounded in the sixties and seventies by the fact that working mothers like me were still a minority. These days the pendulum has swung so far the other way, toward work, that sizable numbers of mothers are leaving the workforce to stay home with their children. There is no perfect solution. Just exhaustion. And, my favorite word, guilt. I am known for saying that you can’t have it all – a great marriage, successful career, and well-adjusted children – at least not at the same time. It’s a bit easier today because there are employers who are more flexible, who may let you work part-time, and there are BlackBerries so you can work wherever you are, and there are husbands who will change diapers. But it’s still a balancing act and probably always will be.[1]

I obviously can’t relate to the feelings of guilt but I’ve certainly heard from mothers growing up and now friends who are moms that there is horrible guilt that comes with leaving a child behind to go work. I wonder if fathers feel the same way?

The sentence that really stuck out for me was that she said you “can’t have it all.” This is a fear and not because I happen to “have it all” now, because I don’t, but to not be successful in all areas of my life is what scares me. I tend to see more people abandon everything in their lives because of their kids. Marriages fall apart because the couple has stopped spending time with each other and/or there’s no advancement at work because the kids take up too much time and dedication. You can only focus on so many things at once and, when you have kids, they become your focus. If they don’t, there’s the possibility of contributing to their not being well-adjusted. It’s nice that Barbara made it a point to say that it’s slightly easier today with the changes in technology and that there are more men willing to step up with responsibility but the need for constantly managing a balancing act concerns me. But I suppose…that in of itself isn’t that different from how I live my life now. I may not have kids but I’m constantly balancing my priorities and not every part of my life gets 100% of my focus every moment of every day. And I’m well aware that success is something you have to work at and no one “has it all.” Nor do I think would I necessarily want that. Happiness is more important.

Looking at it this way, life with a kid doesn’t seem to be such a monstrous task. It’s just an adjustment and Lord knows I go through multiple adjustments a day. All you can do is your best, that’s all that anyone (should) asks for.

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[1] Walters, Barbara Audition: A Memoir, Alfred A. Knopf, New York, NY, 2008, p. 170.

Maternity Clothes Exist for a Reason

11.13.2010

I was walking out of the market the other day and walking in was a very pregnant woman wearing extremely tight yoga-like pants and a tank top that was probably two sizes too small for her. I was grossed out and I don’t know exactly if this was because of her protruding stomach or at her choice of wardrobe that accentuated her protruding stomach. I’m certainly no fashion expert, but I would think that there’s a respectable way to dress. And something tells me that the woman wasn’t coming from yoga or, maybe, let’s say she was, I still don’t think she should’ve worn clothes that looked like they would be too small for her without being pregnant. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. I think women should dress age-appropriate, body-appropriate and certainly pregnancy-appropriate.

Children of a Loveless Marriage, Amendment

11.12.2010

I wanted to clarify something in regards to yesterday’s post. I never advocate divorce as the first and most immediate option. I believe that in this day in age people are too eager to get a divorce. At the sight of the slightest hiccup, I find that one partner, or sometimes both, immediately split up. Though this might be a bit easier to deal with if there are no kids, I don’t think it should be a flippant decision. A couple owes it to themselves and to each other to fight for their marriage and, once kids come into the picture, they owe it to their kids. The first step, of course, is admitting there’s a problem and, I think, this is where most people get stuck. But once that understanding occurs, go to therapy, go to your priest/pastor or whatever or to whomever you feel you need to go to in order to save the marriage. Once all avenues have been exhausted and one or both person(s) still feel(s) unhappy, then part ways because, as I said yesterday, pretending does nothing for no one. Especially the kids.

Children of a Loveless Marriage

11.11.2010

I finished reading writer/director Nora Ephron’s new book, I Remember Nothing, and I highly recommend it. What I liked about it was its easy read, filled with humor, endearing moments and pure honesty. There is one issue, however, with which I disagree. She writes

But I can’t think of anything good about divorce as far as the children are concerned. You can’t kid yourself about that, although many people do. They say things like, It’s better for children not to grow up with their parents in an unhappy marriage. But unless the parents are beating each other up, or abusing the children, kids are better off if their parents are together. Children are much too young to shuttle between houses. They’re too young to handle the idea that the two people they love most in the world don’t love each other anymore, if they ever did. They’re too young to understand that all the wishful thinking in the world won’t bring their parents back together. And the newfangled rigmarole of joint custody doesn’t do anything to ease the cold reality: in order to see one parent, the divorced child must walk out on the other.[1]

Though I agree that no one should stay in an abusive relationship, I’m confused by the advice to stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children.

Rob and I have talked about this in respect to friends we both had growing up who wished their parents would divorce because it would, at least, bring peace. And when the parents did eventually divorce, and they always did, the friends’ reactions were somewhere in the vicinity of “Finally.” I haven’t yet met someone who wished their mismatched parents stayed together. The thing that parents forget, I think (and I take complete freedom to say the following without being a parent myself), is how perceptive kids are. You can’t fool them. By staying in a loveless marriage, you’re teaching your child how to behave, what to accept and how to settle. This isn’t fair to anyone involved.

My mom dated a man without ever sitting me down and explaining to me what was happening even though I caught every secret glance, every secret touch and every secret hand hold. Her excuse for never telling me was to protect me (from what, I don’t know) but what I learned was that liking someone was private and to be kept in the dark. And, in an odd way, something bad. I was ten and I didn’t understand exactly what the glances, touches and holding hands meant, but I knew that something unusual was going on despite her valiant efforts to keep the relationship under wraps.

I also knew, at age eight, when things were bad between my mom and my sister’s dad. I’m still unraveling the damage of those six months. Kids are sharper and more perceptive than adults give them credit for. They are also sponges for the knowledge that parents bestow upon them. I believe that staying in an unsupportive, loveless and devoid marriage is the path of least resistance with the potential for the most life-long emotional damage. You are also cheating yourself out of what is beautiful: love.

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[1] Ephron, Nora I Remember Nothing and Other Reflections, Alfred A. Knopf, 2010, New York, NY, p. 120.

Burping + Farting = Adorable

11.10.2010

A friend of Rob’s recently had a baby and left the following message on her FB status:

“JULIE POST: loves this burping farting little buddy.”[1]

We both thought it was cute and I’m sure no matter how noisy, how stinky, how colorful the bodily function may be, one’s child is perfect.

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[1] The friend’s name is changed.

The Road Less Traveled By

11.09.2010

I know that most of us fear change. Habit, however good or bad, gives us comfort and stability. I’m no stranger to being a creature of comfort. What I’m also no stranger to is fierce and radical change.

I think I’m the only person I know who’s lived in the same place for 27 years except for maybe my grandmother but even that’s questionable. I also think it’s strange for a child to live in the same place he/she grew up instead of a parent raising a family in one place and staying there until an assisted living-type of situation occurs or death.

In 2006, Rob and I discussed moving and even went house hunting on and off for two years but despite my occasional interest in a house, there was much resistance on my part. Leave my rent-controlled apartment? (Notice I said, “my.”) Move away from pretty much the only place I’ve ever known? Are you serious?

When I quit my job two years ago, we still looked around because the hope of me finding another job was still high. But the economy tanked and I’ve only had a few temp jobs. Needless to say, we stopped looking.

About 12 months ago, an emotional shift within me began to grow. I realized a few months ago how stagnant I feel. I also feel that Rob and I can’t grow emotionally as a couple if we continue to live here much longer. I grew up in this apartment. My family was raised. My memories are embedded in these walls, and it doesn’t matter how many times I change their color or repaint them or rearrange the furniture, the tentacles of my past restrain me.

I’ve reached a point where I want, where I need some sort of a major change. I swear I do everything backwards because couldn’t this realization come to me three years ago when I was working?

Earlier today I found myself meditating on this topic of change particularly as it pertains to work. The notion of “change” led me to think about a friend who’s pregnant and another who went into labor today. I thought about pregnancy and how that would certainly classify as “major change.” This made me think about the growing baby in my friend and caught myself with a smile on my face instead of the usual look of repulsion I have. Pregnancy and the physical change it produces still terrify me but I was in a rare moment of vulnerability when thinking about it.

I don’t know what the future holds but I also know my pattern and when I seek change, it’s radical, it’s unconventional, and it’s almost always life-changing. Leave my rent-controlled apartment? Yes. Move away from pretty much the only place I’ve ever known? Yes. Are you serious? Very.

Have a kid? “Break the rules, go with your heart, the world is wide and anything…anything…can happen.”[1]

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[1] Advertisement slogan, 1997.

Do You Get Involved?

11.08.2010

(Disclaimer: The following has not happened to me. It’s purely for discussion’s sake.)

We all know that kids say the darndest things and, I have found, that kids under 5 tend to speak whatever’s on their mind without much regard to the consequences. It’s their honesty that I find so special because as we get older we learn to hold back by taking all variables into consideration (hurting someone’s feelings, telling the truth might get someone in trouble, not wanting to explain things, etc). But, about the element of truth, sometimes kids say something that, I think, we wouldn’t really know how to react to. Well, let me speak for myself because I’m usually the clueless one and am curious to hear from parents since this is something, I assume, parents would know how to deal with (and I say that because they're exposed to kids more than I).

If a child tells you that someone at home is getting abused, do you get involved? Does the situation change if a kid you don’t know happens to tell you that? In other words, do you get involved only if you know the kid?