Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability Video

02.11.2011

This video was sent to me today and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The speaker mainly talks about fear and vulnerability and gives suggestions on living a more fulfilling life, but she mentions certain things about parenthood and raising children that I find essential for all to keep in mind. I have many favorite quotes that I could share from this presentation but I will leave you with only one: Have the courage to be imperfect.

Enjoy!

(Don’t be warded up by its 20-minute length. It’s informative and entertaining.)

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

Children of a Loveless Marriage, Amendment

11.12.2010

I wanted to clarify something in regards to yesterday’s post. I never advocate divorce as the first and most immediate option. I believe that in this day in age people are too eager to get a divorce. At the sight of the slightest hiccup, I find that one partner, or sometimes both, immediately split up. Though this might be a bit easier to deal with if there are no kids, I don’t think it should be a flippant decision. A couple owes it to themselves and to each other to fight for their marriage and, once kids come into the picture, they owe it to their kids. The first step, of course, is admitting there’s a problem and, I think, this is where most people get stuck. But once that understanding occurs, go to therapy, go to your priest/pastor or whatever or to whomever you feel you need to go to in order to save the marriage. Once all avenues have been exhausted and one or both person(s) still feel(s) unhappy, then part ways because, as I said yesterday, pretending does nothing for no one. Especially the kids.

Children of a Loveless Marriage

11.11.2010

I finished reading writer/director Nora Ephron’s new book, I Remember Nothing, and I highly recommend it. What I liked about it was its easy read, filled with humor, endearing moments and pure honesty. There is one issue, however, with which I disagree. She writes

But I can’t think of anything good about divorce as far as the children are concerned. You can’t kid yourself about that, although many people do. They say things like, It’s better for children not to grow up with their parents in an unhappy marriage. But unless the parents are beating each other up, or abusing the children, kids are better off if their parents are together. Children are much too young to shuttle between houses. They’re too young to handle the idea that the two people they love most in the world don’t love each other anymore, if they ever did. They’re too young to understand that all the wishful thinking in the world won’t bring their parents back together. And the newfangled rigmarole of joint custody doesn’t do anything to ease the cold reality: in order to see one parent, the divorced child must walk out on the other.[1]

Though I agree that no one should stay in an abusive relationship, I’m confused by the advice to stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children.

Rob and I have talked about this in respect to friends we both had growing up who wished their parents would divorce because it would, at least, bring peace. And when the parents did eventually divorce, and they always did, the friends’ reactions were somewhere in the vicinity of “Finally.” I haven’t yet met someone who wished their mismatched parents stayed together. The thing that parents forget, I think (and I take complete freedom to say the following without being a parent myself), is how perceptive kids are. You can’t fool them. By staying in a loveless marriage, you’re teaching your child how to behave, what to accept and how to settle. This isn’t fair to anyone involved.

My mom dated a man without ever sitting me down and explaining to me what was happening even though I caught every secret glance, every secret touch and every secret hand hold. Her excuse for never telling me was to protect me (from what, I don’t know) but what I learned was that liking someone was private and to be kept in the dark. And, in an odd way, something bad. I was ten and I didn’t understand exactly what the glances, touches and holding hands meant, but I knew that something unusual was going on despite her valiant efforts to keep the relationship under wraps.

I also knew, at age eight, when things were bad between my mom and my sister’s dad. I’m still unraveling the damage of those six months. Kids are sharper and more perceptive than adults give them credit for. They are also sponges for the knowledge that parents bestow upon them. I believe that staying in an unsupportive, loveless and devoid marriage is the path of least resistance with the potential for the most life-long emotional damage. You are also cheating yourself out of what is beautiful: love.

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[1] Ephron, Nora I Remember Nothing and Other Reflections, Alfred A. Knopf, 2010, New York, NY, p. 120.

Developmental Milestones of Early Literacy Chart

10.19.2010

I’m sure in a parallel universe somewhere I work as a child development researcher, doctor or analyst. I find development of any kind to be fascinating but especially that of children. One of the most interesting classes I ever had was one on child development. Learning all about the different stages of discovery for a child and how it’s tied to one’s brain is amazing. It, of course, helps to also understand some of the more “annoying” behaviors of children. Well, the ones that aren’t associated with a parent’s lack of parenting, that is.

The topic of reading is a huge issue for me and I highly encourage for any moms to refer to the chart that I copied below. For more info, I also encourage visiting the site from which I got this which is in my footnote.

Developmental Milestones of Early Literacy[1]

6-12 Months

Motor Skills: reaches for book, book to mouth, sits in lap, head steady, turns pages with adult help

Cognitive Skills: looks at pictures, vocalizes, pats pictures, prefers pictures of faces

What Parents Can Do: hold child comfortably; face-to-face gaze, follow baby’s cues for “more” and “stop,” point and name pictures

12-18 Months

Motor: sits without support, may carry book, holds book with help, turns board pages, several at a time

Cognitive: no longer mouths right away, points at pictures with one finger, may make same sound for particular picture (labels), points when asked, “where’s...?”, turns book right side up, gives book to adult to read

What Parents Can Do: respond to child’s prompting to read, let the child control the book be comfortable with toddler’s short attention span, ask “where’s the...?” and let child point

18-24 Months

Motor: turns board book pages easily, one at a time, carries book around the house, may use book as transitional object

Cognitive: names familiar pictures, fills in words in familiar stories, “reads” to dolls or stuffed animals, recites parts of well-known stories, attention span highly variable

What Parents Can Do: relate books to child’s experiences, use books in routines [and] bedtimes, ask “what’s that?” and give child time to answer, pause and let child complete the sentence

24-36 Months

Motor: learns to handle paper pages, goes back and forth in books to find favorite pictures

Cognitive: recites whole phrases, sometimes whole stories, coordinates text with picture, protests when adult gets a word wrong in a familiar story, reads familiar books to self

What Parents Can Do: keep using books in routines, read at bedtime, be willing to read the same story over and over, ask “what’s that?”, relate books to child’s experiences, provide crayons and paper

3 Years and Up

Motor: competent book handling, turns paper pages one at a time

Cognitive: listens to longer stories, can retell familiar story, understands what text is, moves finger along text, “writes” name, moves toward letter recognition

What Parents Can Do: ask “what’s happening?”, encourage writing and drawing, let the child tell the story

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[1] http://www.reachoutandread.org/parents/milestones/

Perfecting the Perfect (Illusions)

06.22.2010

My sister sent me this video the other day and I want to post it up because I think its message is incredibly important – especially for girls and women.

I consider one of my best friends and me to be some of the worst offenders in the self-hate department. We’ve been friends since high school and I can’t tell you how many conversations we’ve had while growing up about how much we hated ourselves and how much we wished we looked like the models and actresses we saw. It’s disheartening to have to look in the mirror and see a reflection of flaws when you see nothing of the sort in movies, TV or magazines. It’s only when you’re older and more mature that you start to realize how that business works and, hopefully, it becomes easier to remind yourself that it’s not real. But I can’t say that I don’t have my moments…

I hope that mothers who have daughters especially take note of the message of this video because, at the end of the day, it’s your voice and support of who they are that is going to be needed desperately as a weapon to fight against the conflicting images and messages that are blasted across the pages and screens. (This, of course, goes for boys too with an emphasis on the father’s voice.)[1]

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[1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U

Outside Influences on Decisions

05.05.2010

War changes lives. Not a new concept by any means, but nonetheless, a concept that awoke new perspective tonight inspired by a class discussion tonight.

We were talking about the Vietnam War and my instructor, who’s a young guy at the ripe old age of 27 (makes me feel kinda dumb that someone younger is critiquing me and doling out a grade to me but whatever. Age is a number, I guess). So we’re discussing the Vietnam War and he mentions that his parents knew people who chose to stay in school and eventually got PhD’s because it would keep them in school and they didn’t have to go into the military. Before the draft was in full effect you were apparently exonerated if you were attending college. So people who would’ve otherwise not gone to college or stopped going after a BA kept going so they wouldn’t have to ‘Nam.

It got me thinking about how much life in general takes us on unexpected turns – sort of along the lines of my entry from a few weeks ago about “unexpected detours.” But how so much of this really happens when war breaks out. If WWII never happened, I would’ve most likely never been born cause my grandparents would’ve stayed in Lithuania and my mom would’ve never met my dad (who is not Lithuanian). Or, even better, if my grandparents hadn’t chosen to leave Lithuania at the start of the war then I probably would’ve never been born either.

Our lives unfold before us on a daily basis without us even realizing it. We get involved in our daily routines, problems, issues, etc. that we don’t really reflect on how it is that we got to this very moment. What choices were made in our past, in our parents’ past, our grandparents’ past, etc. that brought us to this exact moment. I do believe in purpose and that everything happens for a reason and it happens when it is supposed to happen, if it even is supposed to happen. It makes me wonder about our future child and, if it’s meant to happen, how the timing of that little person will be just perfect.